Politics

Person of the Year: Howard Dean

Asshole of the Year: Ralph Nader, but only if he decides to actually run for President. Barring that, I’m going to have to go with Karl Rove.

Scandal: That nobody STILL has been shitcanned for the intelligence failures leading up to September 2001, yet members of Bush’s team who didn’t toe the line have been jettisoned repeatedly.

Sports

Best Athlete: Lebron James, especially if he can develop into a team player.

Best Sports Team: The Red Sox.

Most Memorable Sports Moment: approximately 11:18 PM, October 16, as my baptism into the Red Sox Nation began. I’ve had my Buckner moment, and it feels… ouchy.

Film/Television

Best Film: The Hours was good, as was Master and Commander, but I’m going to bet that the Return of the King is going to be a near-spiritual experience.

Best Documentary: Martin Scorsese’s “The Blues,” with special attention to Bobby Rush and the ass on hinges.

Best Adaptation of Literature to Film: Return of the King.

Best TV show (comedy/drama/fiction): Scrubs, and Gilmore Girls.

Best TV show (information/reality/non-fiction): Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Most Memorable TV Moment: Saddam Hussein’s examination for head lice.

Music

Best Album: Outkast: Speakerboxxx/The Love Below

Best Song/Single: Seven Nations Army: The White Stripes

Favorite Live Show: Robert Randolph & the Family Band, free afternoon show at Copley Square.

Notable “Re-discovery” in Music: The Beatles. I no longer think they suck completely. Only partly.

Literature

Best Fiction Book (Since January 2002): Screw dates of publication. Dan Simmons’ “Hyperion” and sequels.

Best Non-fiction Book (Trade) (Since January 2002): Edmund Morgan’s “Benjamin Franklin” was pretty hot shit.

Best Academic Book (Since January 2003): Screw dates, again. David Hackett Fisher’s “Albion’s Seed” was pretty hot shit.

Best Short Story: I don’t read these. I also don’t run sprints.

Notable “Re-discovery” in Literature: Haruki Murukame “The Wind-up Bird Chronicles”

Guilty Pleasures

Album that I refuse to admit that I like: I am perfectly willing to admit I listen to Christina Aguilera and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that Garth Brooks released some great songs.

TV show I watch in secret: Nothin’. I’m proud of my viewing choices. Although I’m only allowed to watch “Adult Swim” on the Cartoon Network alone because it gives my wife headaches, except for “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.”

Culture

Best Restaurant Meal: The steak tips at McSwiggin’s Irish Pub in Salem, Massachusetts have twice brought me, in a literal and entirely unmetaphorical sense, to tears. They may be the best meat I have ever tasted. For the non-New Englanders: steak tips are pieces of sirloin. Don’t know why they’re called tips. They’re just pieces of sirlon. A regional delicacy on the level of fried whole-belly clams, Moxie, Sky Bars, and Kelly’s Roast Beef.

Favorite Personal Moment: For Christmas I got my wife an appointment at a hair salon on Newbury Street, the high-fashion nexus of the Boston area. I sat and read my book patiently while the stylist did her magic. After a while, I looked up to find a vision walking toward me. It took a minute to register in my stunned mind, but when it did it was like a sweet punch to the head: “Oh my God, that gorgeous, hot, breathtaking woman, is my wife. MY wife!.

Favorite Website: why, perfidy.org, of course.

Gracious Celebrity: Erm… Jessica Lynch, for having the grace to slide back into obscurity.

Undeserved Celebrity: Ann Coulter.

Will be found guilty/innocent

Michael Jackson: Innocent.

Kobe Bryant: Guilty!

Scott Peterson: Guilty, guilty, guilty! Who goes boating on Christmas eve?