Friday, March 30, 2007

Pretty Much Over The Top In Suck

Just So You Know

Ohio, place of my birth.  I love Ohio, really.  I miss it, but not enough to go back on more than a temporary basis.  Despite its virtues, Ohio is nevertheless easy to ridicule.  It had a bad time there for a bit, and hasn’t really recovered.  So let’s not make it any easier:

  • Ohio: Pretty Much Over The Top In Suck
  • Ohio - Almost As Thrilling As It Sounds
  • The buckeye isn’t the only thing with one eye
  • It’s more than just “hello” in Japanese.
  • With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
  • With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible
  • Safe for undergraduates since 1972
  • At Least We’re Not Michigan
  • Ohio - The Fascinating Meat In a Indiana-Pennsylvania Sandwich
  • Redefining “Average” for a new millennium
  • We didn’t know he’d grow up to be Marilyn Manson
  • Stupid is the New Smart
  • Hey, At Least Our Cows Are Sane
  • Ohio - Shoddily Made Buckle of The Rust Belt
  • Gateway to Hoosier Land
  • Where the not-quite East meets the almost-Midwest
  • We ruined it for everyone
  • You Don’t Have To Be Southern To Be a Frightening Hillbilly
  • We know all about illegal immigrants.  Ask us about Parma
  • New Ohio!  This next one will be dynamite, huge.  You’ll see
  • The Thingamabob State
  • The Real Birthplace of Aviation, not those Lamers in NC
  • Come on, the River Hasn’t caught fire in almost a half Century
  • The outstretched eastward facing phallus of the Midwest
  • Rocky beaches, no riptide
  • We have the worst medium-sized cities in the country
  • Surf the North Coast!
  • You’d think the home of Rock and Roll would be more… exciting
  • We were prosperous, once
  • You say “White Bread” like it’s a bad thing
  • Can you believe we almost fought a war to get Toledo?
  • Best fucking Roller Coasters in the universe, baby
  • I’ll show you a Buckeye, Mister!
  • No. That’s not a satanic symbol. They’re just stars for each of the 13 colonies!
  • Ohio: Where one of your dad’s friends lives
  • We’re actually quite lame, but you smell what I’m stepping in here
  • Birthplace of seven Presidents, one of whom didn’t even suck
  • Go Indians… and take the Browns with you!
  • Drew Carey doesn’t even live here anymore
  • Three yards and a cloud of dust
  • Ohio, birthplace of the Drunkest, Fattest, Short-termiest, and Most Corrupt Presidents
  • Rubber capital of the world.  Like the tires, you pervert
  • Ohio Thanks You For Your Pity
  • Birthplace of the Hot Dog
  • The Taft family started out fat and went downhill from there
  • Birthplace of Three of the Five Greatest American Generals
  • With God, All Things Are Possible—and a little hush money to the governor doesn’t hurt, either
  • Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland
  • Hey, just stick with it.  If plate tectonics holds up, someday we’ll be in New Zealand
  • Ohio: lots of nice, and largely dull, people.
  • Tourism just hasn’t been the same since ‘WKRP in Cincinnati’ was cancelled
  • Don’t Judge Us Until You See Indiana
  • Tell West Virginia to move back to West Virginia
  • A Good State
  • Ohio: a Mohawk term meaning ‘filthy, yet stupid’
  • As Close to A Palindrome as You’ll Get in This Country
  • A million miles of boring
  • The “Holy God This Is Boring” State
  • Mayo Goes On Everything
  • We almost killed Lake Erie once, and if it even looks at us funny, we’ll do it again
  • Hey France, want it back?
  • We’re easy to spell
  • Proud of Marilyn Manson, Marge Schott and Jerry Springer
  • Home of the World Collegiate Cow Tipping Championships
  • The old Northwest
  • Cleveland’s not as bad as it used to be
  • We know the rules to euchre
  • Soda? We say pop here, fucko.
  • Screw this “Lake Effect Snow” Crap
  • Ohio: Fat Ass Country
  • Where people from Newark or Detroit can find a better life
  • The Alabama of the North
  • Ohio Escape Velocity higher than that of Jupiter
  • German Humor, Appalachian Neatness
  • The dropped Infinitive State
  • Your broadcasters sound like us
  • Tin Soldiers and Nixon’s coming, We’re finally on our own.  This summer I hear the drumming, four dead in Ohio


Posted by Buckethead on 03/30/07 at 09:31 PM
Just So You Know • Permalink