Well, there’s a few reasons, but mainly I just felt like it would be fun to get together with some people for a night to talk politics, like a twenty-first century junto or salon. I’m not very much of a Democrat at heart, and I was hoping that my handful of Boston Republican friends would be there so that the night would not just be a self-affirming leftward circle-jerk. In truth, there wasn’t much risk of that, because the party organizer’s original email read in part, “Now, do I think Kerry is the best person the Dems have? No. BUT, I do think that he is a much better alternative for this country compared to Bush.”

The centerpiece of the night was a conference call from the Man Himself. I was kind of hoping that it would be a live event, with an opportunity for a Q&A session at the end, but sadly that was not to be. At 6 PM we gathered around the conference pod and waited for the call to begin. We were notified that we would be listening to a pre-recorded address, and then John Kerry started to speak. It was a masterpiece of political rhetoric, with laugh points, applause points, and sweeping policy statements that clarified for all present exactly what John Kerry, President, would do for our country.

No, no no. I’m just fucking with you. In reality, the first laugh point of the evening was inadvertant, and came when Kerry called upon “each and every one of you across the country tonight to reach out to fifty people you know” to get them involved. We all knew that a call to action would be coming, and we all were nodding in agreement, “sure, sure, I can find a couple people to get on board with this thing” until Kerry dropped that number. Fifty. Do I even know fifty people? We all just looked at each other in disbelief and broke out in laughter-- “who the hell does he think we are? And does he really think we care?” We laughed through the next bit; no big deal.

Here’s the short version of the John Kerry House Party speech: “I’m not Bush. Bush is bad for the country and I’m not like him. Fifty people!  I’m not like Bush. International community. Manufacturing jobs. I’m not like Bush. Create jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs, environment, jobs. Not like Bush! International community, Bush bad! Health care, too expensive! Bush Bad! Eat your peas, Bush bad! Jobs! College, jobs, Bush, college, international community, bad Bush jobs!” All of which was punctuated by fake-folksy interjections, asides, and implied grins. As an example of public speaking it was ugly, and as a specimen of political image-making it was embarassing.

I’m not sure why I expected more from the junior Senator from Massachusetts, but I did. It’s June, the campaign is in full swing, and all I know about John Kerry, candidate, is that he isn’t like George Bush. Well, fine. Chlorine isn’t much like lead either. How, exactly, does John Kerry plan to bring manufacturing jobs back to the country, and what does he think that will accomplish? And exactly how many subsidies will that require? And how will those subsidies be financed, and will the products of those subsidized industries be cheaper for it, or more expensive? And, if that’s the plan, exactly how does this “plan” differ from a very expensive and roundabout form of sub-New Deal make-work welfare at $25 an hour? It’s time to talk turkey, and all we the supposed True Believers got last night was pap.

But back to the Simpsons. John Kerry reminds me of nobody more than Armand Tanzarian, the imposter known to Springfield as Principal Skinner. The town knows he’s a fraud and imposter, and that he’s not much of a principal, but they accept him anyway. He’s an awkward figure, a bit of a cold fish, spineless and vaguely incompetent to boot That’s great for a cartoon figure, but are those really ideal, or even marginally acceptable, qualities in a presidential candidate? I was in a room full of left-leaning young voters last night, and not one of them were the least bit enthusiastic about a Kerry presidency. Not one. I realize that Kerry isn’t even bothering to campaign in Massachusetts because he can’t lose here no matter what happens, but last night John Kerry was speaking to a national audience and came across as a joke.

So I am left to wonder. When faced with a choice between a president who is taking the country in directions I deeply disagree with, and a contender who is little more than a cipher, what do I do?