Monday, May 22, 2006

Hakkaa Päälle

Crazy ForeignersEntertainment

Finland has achieved world fame for the beauty of its architecture, the puissance of its snipers, and for a uniformly dour and taciturn outlook on life.  In the middle ages, the only people the Vikings were frightened of were the Finns.  In WWII, the Finns savaged the Soviets despite being outnumbered by several orders of magnitude.

Eurovision is a sort of European American Idol.  For fifty years, the winners of the Eurovision contest, as voted by actual Europeans with their telephones, have been uniformly in the grand tradition of ABBA and similar bubblegum pop ilk.

So it came as a shock – to the Finns no less that the rest of Europe – that Arctic Death Metal Band Lordi won the Eurovision contest last Saturday.  And won by a record margin.  Hard Rock Hallelujah trounced the competition, accruing 292 points, a Eurovision record.

Wings on my back, I got horns on my head
My fangs are sharp, and my eyes are red
Not quite an angel, or the one that fell
Now choose to join us, or go straight to Hell

Perhaps there is hope for Europe yet.

Calling for the “Day of Rockening,” and the “Arockalypse,” Lordi heralds a new day in European music, and hopefully the embracing of a more kick ass attitude to life in general.  Already, Finland has embraced its native sons:

In Finland, a perennial Eurovision loser, fans were still ecstatic about the surprise victory.  Tabloids on Monday featured 20-page supplements and posters of Lordi, and the growling monsters’ song blared on radios and as background music on TV weather shows.

Newspapers featured pictures of celebrating people jumping nude into fountains; the government promised money to host next year’s Eurovision contest; and Rovaniemi*, Putaansuu’s hometown in Lapland, said it will name a square after Lordi.  Skeptical journalists apologized publicly for doubting that the group would be successful.  [Tomi Putaansuu is Mr. Lordi.]

The Finnish ambassador to the Court of St. James stated that, “We are all very thrilled and encouraged by this,” and added that he was comfortable with the idea that Finland was represented by metal “monsters.” It’s like a flashback to the days when Finnish cavalry in the service of Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus were the terror of Europe**.  The Ambassador reminded the British, “There are other very successful heavy metal bands in Finland [who are] known also here in Britain - Nightwish, HIM, Rasmus and others.

“So there is some tradition in this area.”

The win was not without controversy.  Many accused Lordi of Satanism. 

While I personally can’t imagine why someone would think this band is satanic, some were not so sure.  The band quickly laid these concerns to rest, however.  Mr. Lordi, the band’s lead singer, offers up as proof song titles like their Eurovision winner, Hard Rock Hallelujah as well as The Devil is a Loser.  He was quick to point out that while the band is not satanic, they are not in any way to be construed as a gospel group.  Further, he added,

“We are not Satanists. We are not devil-worshippers. This is entertainment. Underneath [the mask] there’s a boring normal guy, who walks the dogs, goes to the supermarket, watches DVDs, eats candies. You really don’t want to see him.”

“We won the contest, looking like this,” he said. “It just goes to show that Europe is not such a bad place.”

Clearly this message was received, as even Orthodox Greece – home to the most vociferous protests - collectively voted top honors to Lordi. 

While the European media moved Heavan and Earth to expose the masked and largely anonymous monsters, Lordi insists that this is just not right.  In a plea to keep their identities secret, Mr. Lordi, complete with horns, is quoted as saying just before leaving Athens, “Just imagine if Santa suddenly took off his beard in the middle of giving out presents.”

Perhaps the most bizarre side effect of Lordi’s surprising tiumph is the miraculous rebirth of Germanic unselfconfidence, or ”ermangelnd im Selbstvertrauen.”

BERLIN (Reuters) - Germans asked themselves on Monday why everyone in Europe seems to hate them after their entry to the Eurovision Song Contest ended up a dismal 15th place and got zero points from most European countries.

“Why does everyone dislike us?” asked Bild newspaper, Germany’s best-selling daily on Monday, summing up the mood after the country’s unusually strong entry “Texas Lightning” went in with hopes of winning but landed near the bottom.

“We got zero points from 27 different countries!” Bild added, aghast at the low score Germany got in the contest it has only won once—in 1982. “Switzerland was the only country to give us even seven points.”

More than 60 years after World War Two ended, there is a sense among Germans that the country is still being penalized for the misdeeds of previous generations.

The loud, aggressive behavior that some intoxicated German tourists display when abroad has contributed to the European image of the “ugly German”.

“Hey Europe, that was so unfair!” wrote the Stuttgarter Zeitung newspaper. “Texas Lightning singer Jane Comerford had a perfect performance and flawless timing. It was worth at least 10th place.”

Perhaps two world wars and Doberman porn have something to do with their neighbors’ disdain, but this is certainly a topic that requires more research.

While we wait for the Germans to figure that out, check out the Lordi Home Page (curiously not updated for the win Saturday), WikiLordi, and the Eurovision site. And don’t forget your LordiGear.

* Rovaniemi is also the home of Santa Claus.
** Some of their enemies said the Hakkapeliitat were made unbreakable by witchcraft and that Roman Catholic churches had reserved a place for them in their prayers:

“A horribile Haccapaelitorum agmine libera nos, Domine”.
("O Lord, deliver us from the terrible army of the Haccapelites")

[Wik] From my friend’s sister’s blog, a key ingredient I forgot to add: the video for Hard Rock Hallelujah


Posted by Buckethead on 05/22/06 at 05:37 PM
Crazy Foreigners • Entertainment • Permalink