Da Comrade, I Want Big American Chainsaw. With Tailfins! |  |
It looks like our good friends the Russkies have designs on the American heartland. I am told that a Russian observation plane will be making flights from Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio, taking photos of the United States under the Open Skies Treaty.
Good God. What can they be looking for? I know they are interested in more than ariel shots of Jacobs Field and the Football Hall of Fame. Perhaps they are interested in what went on here, the old Ravenna Arsenal. Although ostensibly closed down for decades, I myself as a tot wondered at the gigantic C-130s making landings at the old closed-down munitions arsenal. My guess: zombies. The entire place is surrounded by barbed wire, and although they let hunters on the land each fall to cull the resident deer horde, there are some places the hunters cannot go.
The zombie places.
Though it could also be nukes. Satellite images that already exist show a curiously large number of earth mounds, set in long rows, in several areas of the old Arsenal. Are they munitions bunkers? ICBM silos? Or maybe… where they keep the giant robots? Only the President, and soon, our good-souled friend Vladimir Putin, know.
But this is all simply conjecture. What is fact is that the Russians have long had it in for Chainsaw Mick and his tenacious brand of termite-level capitalism. Whatever else they are for, these Russian flyovers are just a front for ongoing operations by the Russians to keep track on Chainsaw and what he’s up to.
For years Chainsaw Mick has been training secret cadres of small-equipment salesmen and repairmen in remote camps, building elite squadrons of highly trained mechanics. These enterprising men and women will return to their home countries – Guatemala, Uzbekistan, the Ukraine, Chad, Russia – and there start small home businesses of their own. That is Phase One. Phase Two is secret and unknown even to me, but Phase Three involves these sleeper cells of insurgent capitalists bursting forth from the countryside and small manufacturing zones of their nations and sweeping across the land, leaving behind them a riot of small-scale wealth, economic well being and stability, individual self-reliance, and immaculately maintained lawn equipment.
Small wonder the Russians want to keep tabs on ol’ Chainsaw. He holds the key to their future, the future they fear will one day come to pass.
Rock on, Chainsaw. The future of the world is in your hands.
Chainsaw Mick’s website is nice, if rather obscure in its functioning. I like the picture of the misty woods; but wonder why one tree in the woods link to Solo equipment’s page, yet another tree links to honda engines. We find no hint as to why these manufacturers are favored over others. Or are they favored? Given the safety orange backdrop to the photo, perhaps Chainsaw is warning us against these perfidious suppliers of substandard lawn maintanence impedimentia.
The “about us” link is cleverly self-referential, though.
Posted by on 07/08 at 03:11 PMPhase 1: Collect lawn maintenance equipment
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Profit!Posted by on 07/08 at 03:11 PMActually, the “links” tab on the bottom brings up the logos of the companies linked, but the links also stay when it’s just the misty woods picture. A quirk of the design, I believe.
That’s right. My dad: underpants gnome.
Posted by on 07/08 at 03:45 PMMaybe Putin just wants some photos to see what a democracy looks like?
Posted by on 07/08 at 10:52 PMBram, that’s so cute, your faith in humanity! Why would Putin want that? I’d figure he’d be overflying North Korea if he feels like he’s fresh out of ideas.
Or maybe I’m intentionally missing your sarcasm because it feels good.
Posted by on 07/08 at 11:20 PMJ:
That’s right. My dad: underpants gnome.
The moment my Dad found my old site, I lost the will to make humorous remarks about him in print.
So shall I assume your dad’s computer is “bufted”? And if not, why, praytell, do we never see commentary from him?
Posted by Patton on 07/09 at 05:26 PMHis computer actually isn’t “bufted” at all, but he’s not much of an interweb news-reader. If he were, I have not a doubt that Reason and the libertarian leaners (like us) would be right up his alley.
But old Chainsaw is too busy keeping America’s small engines running to concern himself with internetary musings. Moreover, although he knows I have a website, he doesn’t know what it is. And much as I love the guy (who wouldn’t love someone who answers the phone, “Chainsaw!"), that’s the way I like it.
Posted by on 07/09 at 05:38 PM
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