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Monday, April 21, 2003

The Onion as Oracle

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From Geek Lethal, via coded private communique, comes this January 2001 article from the Onion, covering Bush’s Inaugural Address. Read it.

For you lazies, here’s excerpts:

“During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years. You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as “a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman’s right to give birth.”

Yeesh. It’s like they had a time machine or something.


Posted by Johno on 04/21/03 at 07:42 PM
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Saturday, April 19, 2003

Idiots

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We forgot the Hitchhiker’s Guide


Posted by Johno on 04/19/03 at 06:51 PM
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Friday, April 18, 2003

Lloyd George and Churchill

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For Lloyd George not counting, read the previous sentence. Then read the Lloyd George sentence. It will all make sense. Not all Welshman are bastards. Little disclaimer.

Bear in mind that the little excerpt from my journal was not edited, except for two words. It’s a random thoughts thing. But I’ll explain. Churchill made things worse prior to the actual Treaty negotiations because he was responsible for deploying the Black and Tans in Ireland. He made things worse during the Treaty negotiations by strong-arming Collins and Griffith, constantly using threats of force. The Civil War to which I refer is the Irish Civil War of 1922-23, between pro and anti-Treaty factions. Churchill, Lloyd George, Birkenhead, Chamberlain, the lot of them, made things worse with partition because a 32 County Ireland, with Free State as opposed to fully independent Republic status, probably would have seen only the Civil War of 1922-3. The hook comes with the Troubles. No partition, no Troubles. Best case scenario was a 32 county fully independent Republic. No Civil War, no Troubles either. But Churchill, et al wouldn’t hear of it.

Some would argue, but the Loyalist community in the north would have complained and, blah blah blah blah. It was complicated. We don’t what might have happened. We only know what did happen. Partition made the Troubles. Churchill helped make partition, but one in a long line beginning with Henry VIII, as far as the north is concerned.

So yeah. I hate Cromwell too. James VI and I, for that matter, plantations and all. Elizabeth I? Oh yeah. Constant campaigns in Ireland under her. They’re like presidents. They all kinda suck somehow.


Posted by Mike on 04/18/03 at 07:41 PM
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Thursday, April 17, 2003

Museum Theories

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Some have advanced the theory that the Iraqi National Museum (INM) was robbed by a fanatical Amish sect, equipped and trained by the Illuminati-controlled Mossad. The Amish sect (known to opponents as the “Unpaved Amish,” due to their resistance to such modern amenities as brick paved roads, but called Der Geheime, Heilige Auftrag des alten Erbrechenabschaums amongst themselves) has been gathering ancient artifacts for eons, even before they migrated to the new world. In a secret compound in Knox county, Ohio, (designed by Aleister Crowley) they store these artifacts, in the hopes of furthering their plans for total world domination by means of antediluvian thaumaturgy.

Or maybe it was the stinking, herring-eating Norwegians.


Posted by Buckethead on 04/17/03 at 07:04 PM
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Eschatology

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Y’ know? I just used the phrase “immanentizing the eschaton” yesterday! Ain’t that a caution.

Your point on arrogance is well taken. I’m not enough of a moral relativist to argue that practices like genocide, female circumcision, and going without a bath are right just because they are normal to some cultures. Still, I by nature (nurture?) tend to set the bar very very high when it comes to deciding who gets our blessing and who gets the hook. The idea of cleaning house-- slum clearance, in your parlance-- is an appealing one in the abstract, but as we learned in the cold war, our estimation of good and evil can vary with the seasons, and it still strikes me as a little arrogant. So be it.

That being said, I really don’t have an alternative to your model. The UN sure hasn’t a leg to stand on-- not as long as Libya heads the Human Rights Commission and Iraq heads the Commission on Disarmament. What a joke.


Posted by Johno on 04/15/03 at 08:39 PM
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Saturday, April 12, 2003

Who’s Next

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Even the most keen and incisive of political minds can be wrong from time to time. It is with some embarrassment and considerable sadness that I report that my previous speculations on which country would next be invaded have proved tragically wrong. The next country is, in fact, us. In these troubled times, there is one source that all thinking observers of the world scene can turn to for completely honest and truthful reporting. That source has revealed that North Korea has, for some time, been planning an invasion of the United States. The Weekly World News has reported that even now, there are thousands of North Korean operatives on our West Coast, cunningly disguised as insurance salesmen and preparing the way for the invincible, 800,000 strong Korean Army that is making its way to California by way of Hawaii in hundreds of Korean Junks. After they seize ships from the American Naval Base at Pearl Harbor, they will be unstoppable. Mike, you will finally have the opportunity to live in a communist worker’s paradise. I’m afraid that I will be interned in a reservation much like those used for Indians (sic), only harsher. Most tragically, life for our canine friends is destined to be short as they are destined for the tables of our new Korean overlords.

The WWN also reported that we have seized the Garden of Eden, and are protecting it from Saddam’s Republican Guard; and that the CIA is breeding man-eating flies for the war on terror.


Posted by Buckethead on 04/12/03 at 05:57 PM
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003

…And our warriors shall be the beasts of the field, the birds of the skies, the UNIX servers of th

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Andrew Sullivan is writing over at MSNBC about the government’s increased efforts to rely on private data-collection firms to get the information they are barred from collecting themselves.

Now, that’s just a dirty trick, not to mention stupid. Private data collection firms don’t have a great duty to verify the truth of their data any more than the government does. It has taken Li’l Sister Two-Cents years to clear her name, after another person with the same name ran into huge credit trouble. The databases just never seemed to be be updated, time and again.

This is the awesome power the Gubmint wants to harness? I guess we shouldn’t look forward to them changing the name on the J. Edgar Hoover building after all.


Posted by Johno on 04/02/03 at 03:57 PM
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Thursday, March 27, 2003

Five Readers! Woohoo!

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Wait… that includes the three of us, doesn’t it?


Posted by Johno on 03/27/03 at 04:32 PM
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Wednesday, March 26, 2003

English sans French

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From the Christian Science Monitor:

The Franco-American dispute falling out over the best approach way to disarming Iraq take away Iraq’s weapons has resulted in perhaps the highest level of anti-French feeling in the United States Lands since 1763.

A French-owned hotel innkeeping firm, Accor, has taken down the tricolor three-hued flag. In the House of Representatives Burghers, the chairman leader of the Committee Body on Administration Running Things has renamed named anew French fries “freedom fries” and French toast “freedom toast” in House restaurants eating rooms.

To which the question asking arises: Why stop with Evian, Total gasoline, and the Concorde (just only the Air France flights)? Let’s get to the heart of the matter thing: A huge big percentage of the words in modern today’s English are of - gasp! - French origin beginnings. What if, as a result of the current diplomatic dispute today’s falling out between lands, the French demand ask for their words back? We could all be linguistic hostages captives.

It is time for English-speaking peoples folk to throw off this cultural imperialism lording-it-over-others and declare say our linguistic freedom. It is time to purify clean the English language tongue. It will take some sacrifices hardship on everyone’s part to get used to the new parlance speech. But think of the satisfaction warm feeling inside on the day we are all able to can all stare the Académie Française in the eye and say without fear of reprisal injury: “Sumer is icumen in....”

Just think how hard this would be to do with Arabic.


Posted by Johno on 03/26/03 at 02:24 PM
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Tuesday, March 25, 2003

McCain

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The McCain quote that Johno posted below exactly describes my views on the current and historical (well, last century, anyway) uses of American power, and why we aren’t an empire. I always liked McCain, and even my liberal mom said she would have voted for him in 2000 had he been the Republican candidate. But I don’t remember him coming out against military action in Iraq, and the article would seem to suggest that he supports it.


Posted by Buckethead on 03/25/03 at 09:04 PM
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Thursday, March 20, 2003

Testify!

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Windy City Mike, DITTO on everything you said, from your thoughts on casual empire to questions about the potential for us to see an Alien & Sedition Acts Redux. Patriot II is in fact in the works, and if it passes, Bush will become exactly as poor a President as John Adams by that scorecard. The government has already taken the opportunities presented by the War on Terror to pass opportunitistic legislation, and if that legislation contains provisions to ensure that nobody arrested under certain provisions can ever appear in court to challenge it, thus preventing judicial review, then where does that leave the balance of power?

p.s. I have been meaning to write a longer essay on fear and government. Someday I will get to it. Threat, or promise? You decide.


Posted by Johno on 03/20/03 at 06:11 PM
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Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Mom

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I don’t have a problem showing favoritism to Israel over Palestine. Of the two groups, one is a parliamentary democracy (and one fifth of the members of this parliament are from the same ethnic and religious group as the enemy.) with freedom of speech and press, a market economy, and rule of law. The other is a terrorist organization that plans and executes the murders of civilians, and ruthlessly supresses all dissent (collaboration) and embezzles billions of dollars into Swiss bank accounts. I can discriminate between the two, rather easily.


Posted by Buckethead on 03/19/03 at 05:27 PM
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Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Post From Another Blog

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Go read this post from The Volokh Conspiracy’s Orin Kerr. He weighs the arguments for and against war, based on expected outcomes. Money quote:

I envy those who seem certain that on balance one side is substantially more likely than the other. I see it as pretty close, or more accurately, far beyond my expertise to make a call one way or the other. All of which leaves me uncertain as to whether the President’s strategy is the right one, and leaves me thinking, “Man, I sure hope he knows what he’s doing.”

‘bout right.


Posted by Johno on 03/18/03 at 07:23 PM
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Sunday, March 16, 2003

Stunned Agreement

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Well, Steve, rather shockingly I find myself agreeing with you on almost all counts, and here I was all ready to grab you by the belt and pull you back from the frogbashing precipice over which have leapt so many of our best and brightest. I only hope they don’t think that after all this, they stand a chance of getting in on the ground floor of any reconstruction, nation-building, Marshall Plan, or accolades that would ensue in the event of a successful overthrow of Saddam. They can go pound salt.

I only have this to say in defense of the duplicitous pointy-mustache farmers: any nation that can invent bearnaise sauce can’t be all bad. Mmmmmm........creamy.......


Posted by Johno on 03/16/03 at 02:39 AM
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