Entertainment

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Did someone mention music?

FakeBloggingEntertainment

The 20 Worst Lyrics Ever


Posted by Patton on 03/29/07 at 02:57 PM
FakeBlogging • Entertainment • Permalink

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dispatch from the Ministry of Hops, vol. 15

Entertainment

I’ve started using this tool to generate names for the beers I make. In fact, just last weekend I kegged a batch of Paul Newman’s Portentious Sharks With Fricking Laser Beams Tied Their Heads Pale Ale, and it’s positively delish!

Hm. I’m flaming today. Fascinating.

Anyway, here is the recipe I used:

5 lbs light dried malt extract
1 lb wheat dried malt extract
1/2 lb Crystal malt 60L
5 oz lb Crystal malt 135L
1 oz northern brewer hop pellets
2 oz Crystal hop pellets
SAFbrew #33 dry yeast - 2 packets
Nature’s Pride Spring Water

Steeped grains in 1 gal water at 140-160 degrees for one hour. Sparged in 3 gallons of water heating in brewpot. Added steeping liquor. At boil added both DMEs and Northern Brewer.
At -40 added 1 oz crystal hops
at -15 added 1 oz crystal hops
at -1 added 1 oz crystal hops

Removed to ice bath and cooled to 90 degrees in 30 minutes.

Added about 2 gallons cold spring water to carboy and placed near open door to keep cool (during which I forgot to attach the airlock to the carboy, risking contamination of the beer). Strained wort through funnel, with again plenty of opportunity for contamination.  Added water to make about 5 1/4 gallons. Pitched dry yeast with the last water addition at about 60 degrees- very low.

[Wik] Despite the numerous opportunities I gave everything to contaminate, nothing bad happened; just a nice vigorous fermentation at 68-70 degrees. I let everything sit for about two weeks in the carboy, and kegged directly from primary. I used Munton’s KreamyX (which sounds so DIRTY!!) to prime this batch, because I want a nice thick creamy head. (That’s what she said! (haw!!))

[Alsø wik] In all honesty I was going for a brown ale on the lighter side of the style with a serious hit of hop flavor and aroma without much bitterness. What I ended up with was a dark pale ale with a noticeable but tasteful hop presence. In fact, it tastes almost exactly like Ipswich Pale Ale, which fellow New Englanders will recognize and a very fine example of the style. So, what the hell.  It’s just beer.

[Alsø alsø wik] Speaking of beer, I now have portions of five batches of homebrew in my basement, making a total of approximately 18 gallons. My wife is pregnant and thus is no help; I can no longer fit in my pants what with the constant “sympathy-eating” I’m doing. So, I beg of you, all of you-- please come to my house and drink all of my beer. I’ll make more!


Posted by Johno on 03/28/07 at 10:49 AM
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Got Fuzz?

Entertainment

Ok.  We all know that I’m THE seething ball of estrogen here at the Ministry, but you’ll have to indulge me my girlish shrieks over the star of Shaun of the Dead, Simon Pegg. I saw him LIVE AND IN PERSON not 5 feet away from me on Friday night. No. I didn’t rugby tackle him down asking him to marry me, but he wasn’t much bigger than me. I could have done it if there weren’t a table and some chairs in the way.

This weekend I saw a sneak preview of Mr. Pegg’s new film, Hot Fuzz. I absolutely adore Shaun of the Dead and have a right dead crush on our hero, Nicholas Angel. After all, he can leap fences like nobody’s business, and the handspring stunts in the greenhouse, set my heart a flutter. Two gun, Johnny Woo action with Nick Frost. It’s more than a girl can bear. Yes, he’s a twit. A fascist adherent to the law, but the film is hilarious.

In a word, BRILLIANT.

It will be opening in the US soon. Meanwhile, any of you minister lads have his original show, Spaced on DVD?


Posted by Mapgirl on 03/28/07 at 02:27 AM
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Monday, March 26, 2007

Carnival of the Recipes 135

FakeBloggingEntertainmentJust So You Know

Carnival of the Recipes #135, the “Dinner and a Movie” edition is up at Blabber Heads.


Posted by Johno on 03/26/07 at 10:51 AM
FakeBlogging • Entertainment • Just So You Know • Permalink

Monday, March 19, 2007

Fun with punchlines (II)

Entertainment

And the other:

Punchline:

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

Joke:


Posted by Patton on 03/19/07 at 06:15 PM
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Fun with punchlines (I)

Entertainment

From today’s email, an oldie whose punchline snuck up on me.

Punchline:

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Joke:


Posted by Patton on 03/19/07 at 06:04 PM
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Sunday, January 28, 2007

Dispatch from the Ministry of Hops, vol. 14

Entertainment

Brew # 14, Desert Fox Dunkelweizen

6.6 lbs liquid wheat malt extract (50% each barley and wheat)
4 oz caramunich malt? or maybe it was crystal malt 90L?
2 oz crystal malt 60L?
4 oz chocolate malt
2 oz black patent malt
1 oz Styrian goldings hops, pellet
1/4 oz Tettnanger Tettnang hops, pellet
1 lb very ripe bananas, frozen, thawed, and mashed
.2 oz locally grown coriander, ground
1/2 tsp black pepper, ground
1/2 tsp North African dried lemon, grated
White Labs WLP 300, Hefeweizen Yeast


Posted by Johno on 01/28/07 at 12:13 PM
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Friday, December 22, 2006

Yes, they call it the Streak

Entertainment

And they’ve been shot down.

Wine maker’s mass nude run promotion scrapped

BEIJING, Dec 21 (Reuters Life!) - Police in central China have scotched a wine maker’s plans for a mass Christmas Eve “nude run” which the company said was a public interest event to discourage the use of “excessive packaging” in the industry.

Jixiang Ruyi Tobacco and Alcohol Company offered 284 people 10,000 yuan ($1,280) in cash and prizes to participate in a naked dash through Zhengzhou, capital of Henan province, the People’s Daily reported on its Web site on Thursday.

The company’s advertisement called for “auspicious” men and women under the age of 30 with “healthy bodies” and “regular features” to apply.

“The goal of this streaking event is to raise consumer awareness and declare war on the excessive packaging of ‘baijiu’ through the language of the body,” the report quoted a manager surnamed Ma as saying.

The police “scotched” the PR trick for pretty understandable reasons:

Zhengzhou police rejected the company’s application for a permit to hold the run.

“Public commercial events ... must meet moral standards,” CCTV quoted a police official as saying. “Such mass streakings do not.”

But oddly enough (no surprise, in an article from Reuters’ “Oddly Enough” series), the Jixiang Ruyi Tobacco and Alcohol Company was apparently going to have several sorts of trouble filling the field, anyway:

Over 1,700 people had applied in four days, China Central Television (CCTV) reported on its Web site, the overwhelming majority of them men.

Well, that would clearly have been a problem - who the hell wants to watch a bunch of hotdogs flopping through the streets of Zhengzhou?  And then there was this:

“We have already invited experts from the beauty industry to conduct physical checks on the applicants. Their mental condition must also be sound. According to the tests, there are only 30 or so that qualify,” CCTV quoted a company official surnamed Cao, as saying.

Whoops.  But it is refreshing to see a case where efforts to uphold moral standards, whether that works or doesn’t, indirectly uphold some basic standard of good taste.

[Wik] Hmmm.  I wonder which hurdle most rejects failed to cross, mental or physical? 


Posted by Patton on 12/22/06 at 04:37 AM
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Staring at the wall

EntertainmentLead Pipe Cruelty

This was me, two years ago. 

[Wik] I am pleased to note that this link came from my boss.  I am becoming happy with my new work environment.


Posted by Buckethead on 12/13/06 at 08:07 PM
Entertainment • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

Crazy ForeignersEntertainment

Behold the glorious Chingrish of actual English Subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.


Posted by Johno on 12/05/06 at 02:44 PM
Crazy Foreigners • Entertainment • Permalink

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Land of California, My Sweet Home Chicago

Entertainment

Electric blues in this day and age is, I think we can all agree, about ritual rather than absolute novelty. A good night in a blues bar in Chicago or for that matter in Kiev is about going to the familiar source, reconnecting with the trinity of I-IV-V, with the familiar language of the twelve bars, the bent note, the repeated phrase, and the sweet release of finding company in blackest misery. The blues structure is as well known, as dear and familiar to its devotees, as the Mass is to lifelong Catholics. Sure, okay, all the songs sound alike - it’s the ritual that counts.

But what ritual! The rhythms don’t always change much and the melodies don’t either, but that’s not the point. The point is the astonishing amount of energy, of feeling, of meaning a good player can put into one little moan, one note, one line that skids right across the song without regard for the form or the changes, that makes you want to stand up and holler right along. That’s where the originality comes in - a good blues player can find something new for you in material you know by heart. A good band on a good night can do practically anything and leave you wrung out, serene, and (for a little while anyway) all right with the world.

So, sure yeah all right, to nonbelievers the blues sounds like the same basic thing over and over again. Bu then again, so is sex, and I don’t see many folks getting tired of that. And like sex, (wait, John… so you contend the blues is like sex? How novel!), it’s all about the moment. That band, on that night, in that room, is going to put on a show and try to make some magic happen.

Case in point: Delmark has just released Live at Theresa’s 1975 by the great Junior Wells, a legendary blues harpist and certified magician, that shows why he was considered one of the Chicago’s all-time finest. Wells was a prototypical harp player (that’s “harmonica") in the Chicago mold, blowing riffs and phrases through a warm and fuzzy microphone that muddies up the sound and buffs the sharp edges off the harmonica’s shrill sound. When he was on, his playing was incredibly thrilling, one of the definitive sounds of the Chicago style.

Wells was a regular at Theresa’s Tavern, a now-defunct venue on Chicago’s South Side, and Theresa’s doesn’t have the swing-for-the-fences atmosphere of a big festival show. According to the archives of the Chicago Reader, Wells and his band played Theresa’s at least fifteen times in June of that year, so it’s safe to say that Wells felt at home in the venue. So rather than being a big-budget spectacle, Live at Theresa’s, which was originally recorded for broadcast on Chicago’s WXRT, captures Wells and his band in a relaxed mood, hanging out for a late night of blues and casual profanity and whipping off a gem-studded set designed solely to entertain the good people of the greater Chicago metropolitan area.


Posted by Johno on 12/03/06 at 09:19 PM
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Saturday, December 02, 2006

The Cleveland Browns Are A Bad Team

Entertainment

Speaking of Kissing Suzy Kolber, the guy’s got some fantastic fake inner monologues of football stars up there.

Is that Berrian? I think he’s triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I’m throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I’m fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can’t, I bet I’ll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.

What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That’s gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can’t just expect wins to come to you. You can’t massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You’re a pussy. This ain’t John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I’m throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn’t one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I’m gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I’m gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we’re talking about here. We’re talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I’m not just a gunslinger. I’m a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I’ll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I’m gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it’s worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That’s how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you’re not turned on right now. I am.


Posted by Johno on 12/02/06 at 10:16 PM
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Toy of Two Centuries

Entertainment

Interesting article on the making of LEGOS - I had no idea that the LEGO Group is the world’s largest tire manufacturer.  Or the largest maker of very small tires, anyway.  I envy the children of today, who have Star Wars Legos to play with.  When I was a youngin, Star Wars figures and Legos were my favorite toys - to the exclusion of all others.  One of my greatest frustrations then was that the two groups of toys were almost completely incompatible.  Star Wars figures were just too big to fit into any reasonably scaled Space Lego creation I could make.  For years, decades now that I think on it, my mom has bought me a small Lego set for my stocking every Christmas.  Maybe someday someone will buy me the Legos Star Destroyer.  It’s only $300.  That’s not much.  Really. 


Posted by Buckethead on 11/29/06 at 05:54 PM
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Too much TV knowledge and too much time on my hands…

Entertainment

In case you hadn’t noticed, TV Land has compiled a list of the most memorable tv character catch phrases ever.  I was mortified to find that I knew most of them, but somewhat relieved at the same time that it wasn’t just another list of Boomer nostalgic greatest hits.  Plenty of stuff in there uttered after 1972.  List available here.

So anyway it was interesting for about 15 seconds, after which I realized that many of them are utterly filthy.  Forthwith, selective editing of some tv catchphrases into dialogue from a single scene from a porn flick:

“Jane, you ignorant slut!”

“It takes a licking and keeps on ticking...”

“Holy crap! Have you no sense of decency?”

“Sock it to me!”

“Hey hey hey!” “Hey HEY hey!” “heh heh heh” “aaaayyyy”

“Elizabeth, I’m coming!”

“Oh, my nose!”

“Bam!  You’ve got spunk ...”

“How sweet it is!  I can’t believe I ate the whole thing...tastes great, less filling!”

“That’s hot...baby, you’re the greatest.”

“Good night, and good luck.”

“Who loves you, baby?”

exeunt and towel off


Posted by GeekLethal on 11/28/06 at 03:40 PM
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wednesday Funtime Quizzery

Entertainment

This, I must admit, is not a question that has been keeping me up late at night.  I am aware that I come from rednecks, and I will return to the rednecks in about two weeks. 



You Are 50% Redneck



You’re just about as welcome up in town as a hair in a biscuit.

Ain’t no hidin’ your redneck roots!

How Redneck Are You?

I fudged slightly on some of the questions.  For example, I do not at this moment have a refrigerator on my porch.  But last week I had a refrigerator, a freezer and a gas range.  I think I qualify. 


Posted by Buckethead on 11/22/06 at 05:15 PM
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