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Calendar Thingy

Darwin Award Contender

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Do the Darwin Awards have a group category?

Pettiness is not always fatal.  But not always is by no means the same as never.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Fox, Henhouse.

I know that I will sleep soundly at night if the French were overseeing the Iranian nuclear enrichment program.  I mean, seriously, what are the chances that the French would allow anything bad to happen?

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Adventures in Spam Comprehension

Allegedly, the past several years have seen great advances in the ability to correctly identify junk e-mail.  In fact, I’m one of the people who would make this allegation, since I almost never see actual spam in my inbox any more, and I’m not aware of having lost any legitimate mail as a result of measures currently in place.

However, there’s an odd side effect of the increasing power to automatically flush spam. Sometimes, the email message obfuscation used by the dung-brained losers who send such messages causes them to get past my spam protection.  When they do, these days, they seem to result in largely unintelligible gibberish.  To wit:

According to the most recent news,
they verbalized that most American’s
are really moved in maintaning their wad
That is why they uncovered last night this place
http://www.*********.org/aj/
They hit upon it after happening around the net.
The things of the net.

looked on and listened in artificial a sort of
“You see,” I lizard smell
noticed Monkey King among their other

letitia watson

I’ve redacted the name of some dumb-ass web site from the message above and will be reporting it to one of the central repositories of other such dumb-ass websites, the better to ensure that, no matter what form of Ebonics future authors of such crap use, the presence of that website address alone is enough to get the message shit-listed.

But here’s the thing - if I were to suffer a momentary lapse of IQ and decided to pay close attention to my spam, looking for ways to radically improve my life, it’s not crystal clear to me what part of my life letitia (not his real name) is offering to help me with.

An infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of keyboards, indeed.

[Wik] Someone beat me to the punch in reporting these assholes.  I’m OK with that, and it’s why I almost never see spam these days.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Tinpot Fashion

Amusing.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I hate stingrays, that took my Crocodile Hunter away

Fans of the late conservationist, wildlife expert and tv personality Steve Irwin have, it seems, been visiting their grief and anger on innocent stingrays.  Ten or more stingrays have been found dead and mutilated on the beaches of Australia.  Another two have had their tails removed.  Naturally, this is exactly what Steve would have wanted.  Now, I am normally reasonably callous when it comes to the death of innocent and helpless critters.  Often, they are tasty.  Other animals find them tasty.  That’s life.  But for some fuckwit to torture and kill an animal just because one of its brethren accidently killed his favorite tv star is totally beyond the pale.  Get a grip, losers.  Instead of hunting down a graceful, beautiful and largely harmless creature, find a safer outlet for your destuctive urges.  Like, maybe, this.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Well alrighty then

Just go look.

Friday, August 11, 2006

All your snakes are belong to us

I suppose it was necessary.

[Wik] The best line accompanies a pic of Sally Struthers, “All your snakes are belong in my belly.”

[Alsø wik] It’s alsø good to see that Cobra Commander’s still doing well.  I miss that guy.

[Alsø alsø wik] It’s amazing, really, how infinitely mutable this retarded joke is.  It remains eternally stale, yet somehow never completely rots away into nothingness.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Another reason clowns really creep me out

Clowns are creepy, as all thinking people agree.  They wear bizarre makeup.  They act strangely.  They hang around retarded people and midgets.  They bother sick people.  Some are even fundamentalists.  They represent all that is unholy - so much so that Stephen King used one in a horror story with virtually no exaggeration.  I myself bought an “I Hate Clowns” tshirt to openly display my contempt and disdain for clowns.  But now, on DefenseTech, we find that clowns are also anti-nuclear protestors.  These clowns, in both common uses of the word, broke into and vandalized a nuclear facility.

The activists used bolt-cutters to get into the E-9 Minuteman III facility, located just northwest of the White Shield, North Dakota. “Using a sledgehammer and household hammers, they disabled the lock on the personnel entry hatch that provides access to the warhead and they hammered on the silo lid that covers the 300 kiloton nuclear warhead,” the group said in a statement. “The activists painted ‘It’s a sin to build a nuclear weapon’ on the face of the 110-ton hardened silo cover and the peace activists poured their blood on the missile lid.”

This was all done while wearing face paint, dunce caps, misfitting overalls, and bright yellow wigs.

We dress as clowns to show that humor and laughter are key elements in the struggle to transform the structures of destruction and death. Saint Paul said that we are “fools for God’s sake,” and we say that we are “fools for God and humanity.” Clowns as court jesters were sometimes the only ones able to survive after speaking truth to authorities in power.

Guards responded within minutes. And when they arrived, the protesters “ate a lot of gravel,” I’m told.

The three nukewatch clowns were charged with Class A misdemeanors for criminal trespass and criminal mischief, though I have to agree with commenter Defiant Infidel that those charges seem a bit light, considering they were hammering on a nuclear missile silo hatch.  With a fully loaded, nuclear armed Minuteman III missile inside.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Musical Zombies

No, not a perverse children’s game, but an actual musical.  Z-Spot: The Zombie Musical is playing this June 25th at the Wonderland Ballroom in DC.  Check your local theatres, and then run screaming in the other direction.  Everyone knows Zombies can’t sing.

[Wik] The Wonderland has an exceptionally poorly executed website.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

A sad standard by which to judge people of faith

The faithful, Christians and others, are parodied as mouth-breathing lunatics in some quarters. One reason, I’m afraid, might be that too much attention is paid to stories like this: Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God

Witness the story of this former genius/stupid loser:

KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal’s enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

“The man shouted ‘God will save me, if he exists’, lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions,” the official said.

“A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery.”
...

Granted, some might consider this story proof that there is no God.  Consider the possibility, however, that God does exist but just thought the man from Kiev was a faithless schmuck who deserved to die.  Or had made a promise to the lioness.  Whatever. Because lions are people too, ya know.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Aaaagh!  My Eyes!

We can all see that there is a need, or at least an available niche, for those wishing to provide ideologically filtered news.  In a broad sense, both CNN and Fox do exactly that.  On the interweb, home of a billion schismatic communities, one would expect to find a website tailored to the mind of the conservative.  So, of course, someone stepped up to the plate.

But did it have to be so… gauche? 

Thursday, May 18, 2006

God is lying to one of us

Pat Robertson, gadfly and messiah-in-waiting, has announced to the world that God told him that storms and possibly, a tsunami will strike the United States in the coming year.  During a prayer retreat this past January, it seems that the almighty interrupted Pat’s prayers to deliver this surprisingly vague warning.  Maybe the Lord God was mumbling, for as Robertson relates, “If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms, [and] There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.” I know from personal experience that I, at least, make an effort to pay attention and listen attentively when my Savior gives me hot stock tips or warnings of natural disasters.  I am surprised that someone as publicly religious as Mr. Robertson was nodding off while the Lord of Hosts gave him knowledge that is of life and death importance to his fellow countrymen.

But then, he has a history of not paying attention.  For instance, in his twisty little mind, he managed to translate “Thou shalt not kill” into “Venezuelan President Hugo Chaves shalt be assassinated by agents of the US government.”

As it happens, Robertson is wrong on the particulars of his revelation.  The Holy Ghost stopped in for a beer the other night, and told me that the Tsunami will hit the east coast as a result of the collapse of the west face of a volcano in the Canary Islands, and it will be in 2008, the day before the election in November.  And of course, storms hit the coasts of the United States every year, and 2006 will be no different.

Myself, I have been waiting for God to demand that Robertson be given a 100 million dollars lest he gathered into heaven.  That will be must see tv.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

On Hate Speech and New Daddies

Every Friday, weather permitting, I walk with the Li’lest Lethal.  Lady Lethal takes him every day, pretty much, but Fridays I have him to myself.  We have a pretty good time, I like to think, and getting out of the house a little is good for both of us.

Oftentimes we go one town over, which is alot nicer than the town we actually live in.  Not that we live particularly shabbily, but THAT town has longer and nicer sidewalks, many of which wrap around its stately olde towne common.  The historic homes overlooking the olde towne common advertise their historicity with placards declaring how old the place is and who built it: Elihu Jehosephatt, 1713.  Fitzhugh Broadwinnings, 1805.  Jeremiah Broadwinnings, 1842.  They’re interesting in their details and pleasing to the eye.  But in the back of my mind I think what a drag it is to own such a house, needing the local historical committee’s permission to drive a friggin nail. 

The war memorial sits in the center of the common, an arc of dry-stacked stone and aging words facing a single simple flagpole.  The memorial includes the names of the town’s men who fell in battle as far back as pre-Revolution campaigns against the native tribes.  Some of the names on the cold, weathered bronze tablets are the same as on the houses we just walked past. 

The only business near the common is the cosmetic surgeon and day spa, but even they are set up in small, restrained structures that fit the neighborhood.  It’s almost as if they were always there, where George Washington got his DaVinci veneers, and Paul Revere had a little nip and tuck after one too many Boston winters. 

It’s a nice place to walk, overall, on a cool spring day. 

‘Cept for the gay-bashers.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Laugh Till It Hurts

ABC News has excerpts from a - no shit - Zarqawi Blooper Reel up on their website. It’s evidently outtakes from one of his anti-American screeds, featuring hi-larious incidents like: Zarqawi trying to shoot a Kalashnikov, failing, and being shown how by an associate; that same associate grabbing the gun back and being burned on the barrel; and a pair of amusing bright blue tennis shoes that just totally don’t make it with the post-Viet Cong black pajamas ensemble our boy Z is rocking.

Remember, people, this is the face of our enemy. Anyone got a cream pie?

(h/t QandO)

Sunday, April 30, 2006

We Stand For Freedom, Liberty and… I mean, we Sit For Freedom, Liberty, and…

This is just about the dorkiest thing I’ve seen since, well… ever. Captain Ed has started a group he’s called the “101st Fighting Keyboardists. they’ve got a logo and everything.

Our friends on the port side of the blogosphere have had quite a time tossing around funny little nicknames for those of us who support the war on terror and use our blogs to express our convictions about it. We’ve seen the names here at CQ in the comments section—the term “chickenhawk” has appeared more than once, and others in the blogosphere have assigned us to a unit called the 101st Fighting Keyboardists.

I’ve thought about that for a while, wondering what exactly about both epithets appear so fascinating to left-wing bloggers. As a middle-aged grandfather supporting a chronically ill wife, I have few options for doing my part in the war on terror. After 9/11, I spent weeks looking into different options for service while trying to balance my family obligations. Our family found out just three weeks after the attack that the Little Admiral would soon join us, and the implications of terrorism and war weighed heavily on my mind. I resolved to use the skills I had—writing—to make the case for fighting a forward strategy against terrorists. Eventually that led me to this blog, but in the interim I argued for a continued muscular offensive against the Islamofascists that had murdered thousands of our fellow Americans.

Is that the same as military service? Of course not. The men and women of the military do the real fighting, and we salute them and support them by supporting their mission. Milbloggers give us the best of both worlds by not only defending our nation and fighting (and beating) terrorists around the globe, but also by reporting on the fight first hand. There is honor in engaging in public debate for policies which we believe are in our nation’s best interest as well. For many of us, we know that without presenting our arguments in the national forum, many in the media and the public will quickly overpower the debate and threaten the policies we feel give us the best long-term opportunity to defeat terrorism and the states that fund and shelter them.

....

That’s why Frank J of IMAO, Derek Brigham of Freedom Dogs, and I have decided to create—for real—the 101st Fighting Keyboardists and adopt the chicken hawk as our mascot. First of all, the term “fighting keyboardist” describes our efforts pretty well, and we think the pseudo-military terminology is pretty danged amusing. Derek himself designed the logo.

....

Make of that what you will.

I mean, my esteemed coblogger Buckethead jokes about being a “Chairborne Ranger” or a member of the “Keyboard Brigade,” (okay, half the time it’s me calling him those things, but that fact is inconvenient to my current point so let’s overlook it, mmkay?), but that’s with the understanding that blogging is in no way a noble sacrifice that contributes in any way whatsoever to the actual shooting war that’s going on half a world a way. Because that’s the actual situation.

Anyway, hop over there and read the comments, which are totally priceless: “sign me up!” “Can I join?” “John Kerry, reporting for duty!!”

As a liberal who never trusted the Bush administration to not f*ck up there little adventure in Iraq, and who has said so publicly while simultaneously mocking the overwrought conviction of the loony fringes on each side (which evidently makes me one of the people they think can go suck it), I am frankly cowed into silent submission at the resolve and frankly incredible insight of these men, these dorks, this band of brothers. Or whatever.

Well, really it just makes me tired.

[Wik] idiosynchronic of low and left (coblogger of our valued loyal reader “iamcoyote") notes something I’m grateful I didn’t have to point out myself, because the fishinbarrelicious frission of the whole deal would make me feel a little dirty. That is, idiosynchronic noticed something I was trying not to notice, being the sporting and fair-minded chap that I am, namely a surely unintentional resemblance between the Chickenhawk logo and the German Eagle, a national symbol that once symbolized the stiff-necked greatness of the Empire, but which came to seem unspeakably crass circa, oh, 1946 or so. Its use by the Chairborne Rangers (unofficial motto: “We’ll Beat You Down With One Hand Ti… Well, Let’s Just Say The Other Hand Is Busy!") has to be the single shiningest example of AutoGodwinPwnage ever seen in the history of the internets.

[Alsø wik] Dr. Sanity, now of the “Fighting Keybees,” as the 101st is styling itself, want us all to know that they

stand for TRUTH, JUSTICE, and the ultimate DEFEAT OF TYRANNY. [And, that includes all of you tyrants or tyrant wannabees out there in the blogsphere who are completely without a sense of humor; and/or who take those vapid and banal exhortations for “peace” so seriously you are unable to see that you represent the greatest threat to peace and freedom in the universe. All humorless and ideological cretins can just suck it up--because we mean you!]

Oh, I got a sense of humor all right. I think all this big-talkin’ steely-eyed internet resolve to fight ‘splodeydopes and liberals alike through their heavy, heavy words is hilarious. 

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