Ministers

hateful, talentless, war-loving, trailer trash

The Green Lion of the Ministry Voltron

Master of the art of equivocation, sort of

He parks in handicapped spaces

In a word, MAPTASTIC!

Like all Canadians, he has an insatiable lust for world conquest

Minister Emeritus

Windy City Mike
social democrat, ca. 1930 trade-unionist, and professor of alleged history

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Darwin Award Contender

Monday, March 31, 2003

Ripostes

Mike, thank you for the thoughtful posts. You know how I can tell you’re an historian, and a recent veteran of class discussions? You embedded the counter-arguments to your argument right there in your argument.

Speaking of academics, how do you like that fuckwit at Columbia who called for “a million Mogadishus” and said “The only true heroes are those who find ways that help defeat the U.S. military”? I wish I could believe that such beliefs were exceedingly rare. At least Eric Foner (a sponser of the rally this guy spoke at) finally found the stones to disavow this bloodthirsty idiocy.

Posted by Johno on 03/31/03 at 03:28 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Correction

Five!

Three, sir!

Three!

Posted by Johno on 03/27/03 at 07:39 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

FBI Gives Up On Accuracy

From Yahoo News: “The Justice Department lifted a requirement Monday that the FBI ensure the accuracy and timeliness of information about criminals and crime victims before adding it to the country’s most comprehensive law enforcement database.”

Well, that’s just great. Hypothetically, some asshat gives his name as “Johnny Two-Cents” to the Effa Bee Eye, and suddenly I’m a criminal. Way to go, DoJ. Would you like a crack at those pesky habeas corpus laws next? Oh, wait…

[update: from the world’s tiniest violin department] I should point out that, according to the story, the accuracy rule has been lifted due to FBI claims that they can no longer manage the massive flow of information they now have coming in. Oh, forgive me if I’m not overly sympathetic.

Posted by Johno on 03/26/03 at 03:44 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Stupendous Idiocy

From the website Democratic Underground:

HappyLibLady (1155 posts): The “coalition” POWs
“It was interesting to see the interviews being held with a few of the POWs captured by the Iraqis.

I noticed that the interviewers spoke in calm, comforting voices, and I saw how one of them put a gentle hand on the shoulder of the young African-American female. Her eyes seemed to express a terrible fear, and that is likely because she was trained/brainwashed by the US miltary to believe all Iraqis are blood-thirsty murderers.

I have faith that the experience of these POWs will leave them non-plussed and very confused. I expect that they will be given good treatment, decent food and clean quarters during their confinement, and that they will be released, unharmed when the time comes.

Maybe I’m just dreaming, but it is my hope that the POWs will discover that they were treated better by the Iraqis than they have ever been treated by the very people who are supposed to be protecting them on the battlefield. And, in the case of the African-American woman, she may find that people in the Middle East, unlike too many of the folks back home, do not consider her a second-class human being because of her dark brown skin!”

I am shocked, shocked that someone could be this completely naive. Although I shouldn’t be, because everytime I visit that website, I see something equally stupid. (And she uses scare quotes, too.)

Posted by Buckethead on 03/25/03 at 08:00 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Friday, March 21, 2003

For those of you who have no idea…

...what the hell that last thing was about, I direct your gaze here, and here.

Zig now for great justice!

Posted by Johno on 03/21/03 at 07:49 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Thursday, March 20, 2003

I’ve got it!

OPERATION BRENDAN FRASER

Posted by Johno on 03/20/03 at 09:01 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

You know what they should do?

They should make a buddy movie starring Rob Lowe and Charlie Sheen.

Posted by Johno on 03/20/03 at 08:52 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Jackassery

Texas Senator John Carter is proposing that the government bust a few teenagers for file trading and send them to prison to make an example of them for the other, like, billion people who do this.

I think this strategy of deterrence is a GREAT allocation of time and money. It’s already worked like magic against pot smokers! I mean, nobody smokes pot anymore, do they?

Posted by Johno on 03/20/03 at 05:59 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Dissent

What do you think the chances are that this news, about a new wave of violent government repression of dissent, will inspire marches and demonstrations from the activist Left in the USA?

Since it’s happening in Cuba, (aka, “happyland"), and not in the fertile plains of their imaginations, I think the chances are pretty fucking slim indeed.

Posted by Johno on 03/20/03 at 05:33 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

No Space

Will post space stuff later, I have to go home and work on the houses.

Posted by Buckethead on 03/18/03 at 11:04 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Monday, March 17, 2003

Threat Level: Tiresome

Well, that’s nice. CNN is reporting that the “Office” of “Homeland” “Security” are considering

... wait for it…

....wait for it....

adding another level to the Great Rainbow Fear-O-Meter.

More Perfidious Goodness...

“The debate is not over whether to add a new color [to the terror threat alert system], sources said. Instead, a slightly higher warning level may be added within orange.
Currently the highest level of alert is for a “severe” risk of terrorist attack, indicated by the color red. Below red is orange, meaning a “high” risk of attack exists.

For now, each level of risk has its own color. Yellow, blue and green follow orange and stand for “elevated,” “guarded” and “low” risks of attack, respectively. Sources said the current discussion was prompted by the belief of some in the government that if the U.S. takes military action against Iraq the threat level should be raised above orange to indicate an even greater risk of retaliation against Americans and U.S. targets overseas. But there is fear that raising the risk to the ultimate warning level would do serious harm to an already-shaky economy, the sources said.”

Oh holy God. THIS is what the government is spending billions of dollars on? Orange is no longer.... orange enough?? I certainly hope they plan to have several briefings about how to distiguish between Pumpkin Alert, Tangerine Dream Alert, and Kiss’ o’ Citron Swirl Alert. Without their on-the-spot attention to bureaucratic minuteia, I am left dangling, unsure how much time each day to allot to stricken whimpering and existential angst!
But wait, there’s more important information here!! The article goes on to describe the kinds of suspicious behaviors terrorists engage in, the better to know when to swing to Raw Umber Alert status!

“Sources say the kinds of activity they would consider suspicious include people taking pictures at bridges and subway entrances, and people sitting on train platforms who appear to be monitoring the timing of arrivals and departures.”

Because, as we all know, Japanese tourists and lonely old people are the biggest threats of all. I imagine a terrorist would just pick up a schedule from the information kiosk, but I’m not a highly-trained terrorism expert like the geniuses at the “Office” of “Homeland” “Security.”

The OHS is an insulting waste of time and money, and will be remembered as an embarrassing black mark on the administration of Bush the Younger.

Too Goddamn Much Perfidy...

Posted by Johno on 03/17/03 at 06:11 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Thursday, March 13, 2003

Giving Aid and Comfort to the Enemy

Well, not really the enemy. But several friends from Ohio are coming out to participate in the planned anti war protest on the mall in Washington this Saturday. Naturally, working in downtown DC as I do, I had no idea that there was a protest scheduled. To be more accurate, I had no idea that it was an antiwar protest. There’s always some kind of protest. Usually attended by dirty hippies. As Johno will attest, I hate hippies. (For a heart-warming story about dirty hippies, see this.)

Since it would be rude to go to the protest with them - I would only heckle the dirty hippy protesters - I will, in the spirit of sane and calm public discourse, go paint my new house like a good Republican homeowner. If anyone reading this has ever wondered why only liberals protest, there’s your answer.

(I did keep referring to the protest as the “Pro-Saddam rally.” I couldn’t resist. I’ll probably start quoting Orwell’s thoughts on the pacifists in WWII when they arrive tomorrow night.)

Posted by Buckethead on 03/13/03 at 10:05 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Who is Missy Elliott??? Who is Missy Elliott?!?!

Musi ques
I sews on bews
I pues a twos on que zat
Pue zoo
My kizzer
Pous zigga ay zee
Its all kizza
Its always like
Its all kizza
Its always like
Na zound
Wa zee
Wa zoom zoom zee

It’s alllll kizza, alright?

Posted by Ministry on 03/13/03 at 08:57 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Who is Missy Elliot?

Heh.

Posted by Buckethead on 03/12/03 at 10:50 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Permalink

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The Ministry of Minor Perfidy