Perfidy Attacks

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I want my twelve cents back

Filthy LucrePerfidy Attacks

Yesterday I ordered some books from an online purveyor of used books.  Normally, nothing about this process is worthy of comment.  But this store, the one that had the three books I wanted at the lowest price, is a little too concerned about doing good.

It’s primary purpose, apparently, is to collect books by donation, and use the profits of selling some of them to fund literacy operations and ship books to places that are not well supplied with books.  Like the whole of Africa, for example.  All to the good.  More power to them.  If certain people spent more time reading Sense and Sensibility, Somalia would not be the dog’s breakfast that it is.

But as I went to check out, I noticed a small extra charge.  It was only $.12, but being the frugal person that I am, I clicked the little “What the fuck is this?” link.  It turns out that I was being charged for Carbonfreeâ„¢ Shipping.

What, you may well ask, is Carbonfreeâ„¢ Shipping?  Well, let me quote the helpful popup window:

Until Willie Nelson’s Biodiesel bus does deliveries, we’ve got no choice but to send your book on normal planes, trains and automobiles. They all deliver your book considerably faster than we could on our bikes, but they belch carbon dioxide into the air the whole time. In case Al Gore hasn’t stopped by your house, sat you down, and given you his slideshow yet, we’ve got some news for you. These carbon dioxide emissions are overheating our planet, causing a “climate crisis”. Carbon Offsets are a way that we can “offset” these emissions through the purchase of clean energy credits and reversing deforestation. It is only a few pennies per book, but when thousands of people do it every day it adds up.

We looked at our shipments and used Carbonfund.org’s Carbonfreeâ„¢ Shipping application to estimate the average offset needed for our packages and we always round up. 100% of the funds charged as Carbon Offsets WILL be used to purchase carbon offsets. Once Better World Books is 100% carbon neutral, we’ll start to offset the carbon emissions of our non-profit partners. After that, we’ll offset Exxon’s emissions. They’ll never know what hit ‘em.

We work with Carbonfund.org to make this possible. If you like it, demand Carbonfreeâ„¢ Shipping wherever you shop online.

Thank god Al Gore has not stopped by my house.  And thank god you aren’t so doctrinaire that you do deliver my books by bicycle.  I’d like to read them.

I know they’re trying to help.  They think that the sky is falling, and they’re trying to do their part.  And it’s only twelve cents.  I can afford it, I hope.  But inflicting their environmental pieties on me, at my cost, just irritates me.  I don’t think that the world is coming to an end.  And if the climate is changing for the warmer, I don’t think that what they’re doing, or the whole damn Kyoto accord will make a lick of difference.  Even the people who put it together don’t think it will make a lick of difference.  Carbon dioxide is not the most powerful greenhouse gas.  And of all the CO2, the bit produced by us is a very small percentage.  And greenhouse warming might not even be the reason we are seeing warming.  And, for the last couple years, it hasn’t been warming.

Maybe I’m just being curmudgeonly, but I want my damn twelve cents back.  And if I can’t get it, I’m going to light a plastic fire in my back yard, and cause at least twelve cents of environmental damage.  Maybe even fifteen cents worth, because I’m pissed.


Posted by Buckethead on 04/05/07 at 06:34 PM
Filthy Lucre • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink

Friday, March 30, 2007

Strange headline of the day - 3/29/2007

Just So You KnowPerfidy Attacks

Dateline: Detroit “Police Say Gay Man Not Fatally Beaten”

Odd headline, I think you’ll agree. Several interpretations seemed possible.

He was beaten, but not fatally.
He was beaten, but was somehow happy about it, and not dead.
He died, but not of a beating.

I had to read the story to find that it was the third. There’s fifteen minutes of my life (1 minute reading, 14 minutes pontificating) I’ll never see again.

DETROIT (AP) - An elderly man whose death became a cause for gay rights advocates died of natural causes, not from being beaten, authorities said Wednesday.

According to family members, before his death, Andrew Anthos told them a story about how he’d been injured, and the story, as told by the family, included indications it was a hate crime. Serious charges, well worthy of investigation and punishment, if true. But it turns out the Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office looked into matters, found that Anthos fell, determined how & why he fell, and in any event couldn’t find evidence that anything about the story as related by the family was true.

Regardless of the circumstances, it’s a shame he died - 72’s not very old, really, and becomes less old to me in concept the longer I live.

The closing portion of the story, however, was even harder to parse than the obtuse headline:

Fedenis [his cousin] said she was shocked.

“I won’t let this rest,” Fedenis said. “I can’t let this tarnish him. I don’t want anyone to think it wasn’t a hate crime.”

“I won’t let this rest”? What is she going to do, go hire a different medical examiner? Refuse to allow burial until she gets the outcome she seems to want? Stage a sit-in at the county morgue until they agree with her strangely-preferred explanation?

“I can’t let this tarnish him”?  What?  He’s dead - not only don’t dead men wear plaid, they don’t tarnish. And in what alternate universe is it better, from a dead person’s perspective mind you, to have died from criminal actions rather than an accident?  Is she concerned that all the other dead people won’t respect him, once they find out he just fell down, instead of being beaten down? That because of concerns about his coordination, he’ll always be one of the last guys picked for the dead-person basketball leagues we all hear so much about?

“I don’t want anyone to think it wasn’t a hate crime”? Not even if it wasn’t?  And what possible benefit is there, to Anthos or his family, for this to have been deemed a hate crime?  None, near as I can tell.

Having already wasted a minute reading the story, I figured what the hell? and went back to read it again. Is it possible that the only benefit from this man’s unfortunate death being classified as a hate crime would be the ability of “gay rights causes” to use his corpse as a cudgel? Shamefully, it seems the answer is yes.


Posted by Patton on 03/30/07 at 02:05 AM
Just So You Know • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink

Monday, March 26, 2007

Light Saber-wielding Jesuits

Perfidy Attacks

This weekend, my son started watching the Star Wars movies.  This is an important event in the life of a child, akin to the rites of passage of the past where small children were sent out in breechcloths to kill lions with their bare hands, or dig for grubs with their bare tongues, or similar odious tasks.  Happily, we are an enlightened people, and parents no longer have to deal with bloody lion (or child) carcasses soiling the carpets, or must try to put bandaids on dirty tongues.

Instead, we are forced to relive the great arguments of the past in the innocent questions of the young.  Why, indeed, are stormtroopers not all the same height, given that they are clones?  As I watched, with half an eye, the great saga that is Star Wars, some questions popped into my head that had never popped before.

Imagine that Adolf Hitler conquered the world.  He is now known as Der Fuhrer, of course, and rules with an iron hand and generally goes around scaring the bejesus out of people.  Imagine that in a desert region, far from the bright centers of the Nazi world – maybe in Indiana – there is a young boy with the last name Hitler.  He becomes involved with the resistance, and learns to fly, and in a climactic confrontation with Der Fuhrer at a oil shale strip mine in Alberta learns that Der Fuhrer is in fact his father.  Should he be surprised?  Would no one have ever commented on the puzzling similarity of last names?

If Han Solo marries Princess Leia, what are their kids’ last names going to be?  Solo-Organa/Skywalker?  Are they royal?  Is Princess Organa royal because of her birth, or by adoption, or both?  Is lovable rogue Han thereby made a prince-consort, a sort of upscale gigolo?

What happens to the Ewoks after their improbable victory over that crack imperial legion on the forest moon of Endor?  The Empire is not going away at once, are they brutally repressed, or is the Empire too busy for petty vengeance?  Does the Rebellion try to help them out?  Given that they are so preposterously martially competent, to they enlist in the service of the Rebellion as a sort of fuzzy Gurkha regiment and, armed with improved, metal, spears go on to kick stormtrooper ass throughout the galaxy?  Personally, I believe that they will attempt to crassly cash in on their helpful but in the end walk-on role in the defeat of the dread Galactic empire, and make trillions of credits on the lecture circuit and in the marketing of fuzzy action figures and Ewokâ„¢ dolls to the credulous youth of ten thousand systems. 

Finally, decadent and depraved, they will be displaced by the marginalized, but very populous ethnic group of ex-stormtroopers, who, with their wives, will be in search of a homeland where they will be safe from persecution by all those who hate them.  Choosing a location that is not coincidently the site of their most emotionally powerful defeat will seal the deal, and the new Senate will approve the expulsion of the greedy, conniving and only superficially cute Ewoks.

I think, too, that the name Jar Jar Binks will go down in history (now that, after the collapse of the Imperial Censor’s office books are once again being written) as one of the greatest traitors in history.  Like Benedict Arnold, whose early military successes are overwhelmed by his betrayals, Jar Jar’s actions in the Senate will be a permanent stain on the honor of his people, whatever the hell they are called.

And, really, where do all these Sith come from?  We are told that there are only two Sith at a time, one a master, one an apprentice.  But as soon as the noble Jedi off one of these fuckers, there’s another one growing up in his place, just as mean and even more competent.  Sure, the Sith can take advantage of the existing Jedi program as kind of a farm league for Sith talent, but there must be some knowledge that can only be transmitted Sith to Sith, as it were.  I mean, if the whole basis of the extraordinary power of the Sith is merely, “Use your hate, it will make you strong; follow the Dark Side” well, surely there would be thousands of competing Sithoid factions.  They’d be as common as Starbucks franchises, or, perhaps more appropriately, Hair Metal bands in the eighties.  (Which would make Punk, and later Grunge, into Jedi.  Shudder.)

If all it took was one disgruntled Jedi saying (if only to himself) “Fuck this, I hate that arrogant, backwards-talking prick Yoda!” to unleash the power of the dark side, one would think that the Jedi wouldn’t have lasted for a thousand days, let alone a millennium, no matter how good their indoctrination.

Finally, if it weren’t for the unabashed evil talk of the Sith, and Chancellor (later Emperor) Palpitating and his evil and various Darths, I’d be hard pressed to argue against their program.  The Republic is about as useful, in the time of the prequels, as the UN is today.  And as ethically challenged.  They want to bring order to the galaxy.  What’s wrong with that?  The Jedi, with their bizarre code and weird eugenic determinism, seem to not be very useful at all.  Certainly not as useful, in the face of faceless corporate droid armies, as a bunch of highly skilled, well armed, and polite clones.

The force guides them, but they can’t detect a massively evil operation that is not only operating in their midst, but is practically dancing in front of them with a giant, strobing, “I’m a Sith” sign on its chest.  Didn’t they read Luttwak’s Coup d’État: A Practical Handbook?  Sheesh.  And if Starting Anakin’s training at age seven was not sufficient to keep him from the dark side, then the Jedi could take some lessons from the Jesuits.  Perhaps we could export some.  Although Jedi-Jesuits would probably be a very bad thing.  What color light sabers would the Jesuits use?  Ignatius Loyola would have done a better job than goofy, half-pint, inside-out speaking Yoda, especially if he had light sabers and the Force to go along with his fanatical devotion to the Pope.  (Among our chief weapons are such diverse elements as fear, terror, a near fanatical devotion to the Pope, light sabers and the Jesuit mind-trick…)


Posted by Buckethead on 03/26/07 at 05:01 PM
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Thursday, March 08, 2007

STFU

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Perhaps someday, Sports magazines will report on sports, and not offer fatuous environmental pap.


Posted by Buckethead on 03/08/07 at 01:52 PM
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Friday, January 05, 2007

A word to the terribly unwise

Darwin Award ContenderPerfidy Attacks

To the little shit who stole my credit card number:

You should have gone for the big bucks while you could, you unimaginative mouthbreather. $11.99 to Paypal? $100 to DirectTV? One… fercryin… dollar to YahooWallet? Skype?!? Too bad I check my balances every couple days, and here you thought you’d nickel and dime me along to finance your crabbed little scriptkiddie lifestyle. You Skype-using unclefucker. Chances are slim that our paths will ever cross, but if they do, you better pray it’s a day on which I’m suffering an excess of mercy.

That is all.


Posted by Johno on 01/05/07 at 12:06 AM
Darwin Award Contender • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

My first mildly insensitive post of the new year

Perfidy Attacks

In today’s Washington Post, this story: “FBI Reports Duct-Taping, ‘Baptizing’ at Guantanamo”

Duct-taping a guy’s head?  That’s kind of harsh.

In another incident that month, interrogators wrapped a bearded prisoner’s head in duct tape “because he would not stop quoting the Koran,” according to an FBI agent, the documents show. The agent, whose account was corroborated by a colleague, said that a civilian contractor laughed about the treatment and was eager to show it off.

The “civilian contractor” sounds like an asshole, and a mildly sadistic one, to boot. I’d bet it hurt like a bitch when the tape was taken off. At least they didn’t cut his head off with a dull hacksaw. But if he wouldn’t stop quoting the Koran (which I’m sure got quite old & tiresome for the interrogators to hear), why didn’t they just spray alum in his mouth? That’s seemed to work in the Looney Toons episodes I’ve seen where it’s been used.

The parts of the story that make me scratch my head, however, are those where the circumstances are more comical.

FBI agents witnessed possible mistreatment of the Koran at the military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, including at least one instance in which an interrogator squatted over Islam’s holy text in an apparent attempt to offend a captive, according to bureau documents released yesterday.

In October 2002, a Marine captain allegedly squatted over a copy of the Koran during intensive questioning of a Muslim prisoner, who was “incensed” by the tactic, according to an FBI agent. A second agent described similar events, but it is unclear from the documents whether it was a separate case.

Sounds to me like the Marine captain can claim his mission accomplished, and good for him. At least he didn’t cut his subject’s head off with a dull hacksaw.

The “baptism” sounds like comedy gold to me.

In a previously unreported allegation, one interrogator bragged to an FBI agent that he had forced a prisoner to listen to “Satanic black metal music for hours,” then dressed as a Catholic priest before “baptizing” him.

The “Satanic black metal music”, like the duct tape, seems a bit much, and bragging about it is bush-league, but putting your collar on backwards and spraying a guy with water that, by that guy’s belief system, is just water, while telling him he’s been put through a ritual he clearly believes has no meaning, and having this amount to some sort of an outrage is cartoonish. At least they didn’t baptize him with pig’s blood.  Or cut his head off with a dull hacksaw.

This story is a continuation of an older theme, of course:

The reports amount to new and separate allegations of religiously oriented tactics used against Muslim prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. After an erroneous report of Koran abuse prompted deadly protests overseas in 2005, the U.S. military conducted an investigation that confirmed five incidents of intentional and unintentional mishandling the book at the detention facility. They acknowledged that soldiers and interrogators had kicked the Koran, had stood on it and, in one case, had inadvertently sprayed urine on a copy.

Poor bunnies!  These incidents, along with those in earlier reports of “sexually suggestive” interrogation techniques, help me to better understand some of the concern about more physically coercive methods of questioning that have been used.

If all it takes to get these detainees to go off the rails is to fake dropping a deuce on their “holy book”, or to violate the “three foot rule” one might find in a low-grade Atlanta gentlemen’s club, then of course one could question physical coercion - who needs such extreme tactics in the face of detainees with severe critical thinking deficits and unresolved “mommie issues”?

The fact that such things, particularly the absurd veneration of copies of the Koran, (copies, mind you - I’d cut them some slack for their outrage if someone took a leak on the original) can so easily trigger “deadly protests” is by itself an indication of a belief system that’s seriously askew.  For clarification, I’d point the interested reader to a scholarly essay from September 2001, “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”.

I question, pretty aggressively, the perceived need to apologize for, or to even explain, any of the reported incidents. And, on the bright side, I remind myself again that in each case, at least nobody got his head cut off with a dull hacksaw.


Posted by Patton on 01/03/07 at 05:15 PM
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Thursday, December 21, 2006

Acronymic Aphasia

Perfidy Attacks

Admittedly, it’s not as good as Daffy Duck’s classic ”Pronoun trouble“, and I don’t want to seem to be picking on the witness in the video below, but some folks aren’t as good with a camera in their face as others:





(Incompletely attributed video, by the way, but apparently from a TV broadcast somewhere in Eastern FL, via Kenny)

[Wik] WTF? Aphasia?

[Alsø wik] Friggin’ Firefox.  Suddenly, it doesn’t seem to want to work, though I tested it in both originally.  I don’t care enough to fuss with it further, but perhaps clicking here will work for those of you mistreated by my sloth on the matter?


Posted by Patton on 12/21/06 at 05:13 PM
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Friday, October 27, 2006

Sometimes, you have to amend prior blog entries

Perfidy Attacks

And this might be one of those times.  Or not.  Minister Buckethead’s call, completely.

From the “What do you think?” feature in today’s Onion email, ”Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage“, answer #1:


Elisa Siegel
Inventory Control Specialist
“This will go a long way toward expanding the variety of punch lines about New Jersey.”

To be honest, I think Buckethead had the matter preemptively covered, with his last two items in the post linked above, but I’m pointing it out, just in case.


Posted by Patton on 10/27/06 at 07:40 PM
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

A Simple Business Tip

Perfidy Attacks

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saw about not starting fights with people who buy ink by the barrel?

Addendum: Don’t ever piss off Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers’ Tom Perkins.

Quick chronology (sans copious and specific links, since anyone who cares already knows, anyone who doesn’t know probably doesn’t care, and really, this is all about the juvenile punch line):

  • HP’s board was considering changing leadership
  • Not all members were on board with doing so
  • The board got leaky with the press
  • George Keyworth was fingered & drummed out as a board member
  • Tom Perkins didn’t like seeing his friend pilloried (even though his friend {ahem} was the source of the leaks)
  • Perkins pitched a bitch, raised holy-hell, and got a Congressional hearing scheduled
  • Now Patricia Dunn, the former chairman of HP’s board, stands a chance, however slight, of a career change into the “license plate stamping industry”

Coincidence?  You decide.  I guess it could be.

But, dig this little-known fact - he also caused her to lose some of her good looks and most of her hair, as evidenced by this pictorial chronology:

image image image

Coincidence? I’d like you to believe I think that’s stretching it.

[Wik] Speaking of “stretching it”, I mashed all those pictures so they’d fit. The last one is distorted such that it’s worse looking than the one in the WaPo story, and that’s unintentional.  So I added a link to the pop-up, full size picture, which is unfortunately, like the mashed version, less than flattering. Also unintentional - she was quite the looker at one time, anti-glamour shots notwithstanding, and Congressional hearings are surely a complete pain in the ass. I blame Tom Perkins.


Posted by Patton on 10/04/06 at 07:17 PM
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Six Weeks in Iraq

Lead Pipe CrueltyPerfidy AttacksUnmitigated Gall

Found this fantastic graphic, courtesy of the NO Times-Picayune. It challenges a lot of “common wisdom” about the flooding, with a very clear depiction of how and why flooding occurred. I was curious about the effects of Mr. GO (the Mississippi River Gulf Outlet) on New Orleans during Katrina. Mr. GO is a 70-mile canal dug from the gulf straight through the wetlands to New Orleans’ inner harbor, creating a kind of “express highway” for storm surge. It and the other artificial constructs (canals and levees) are the real reason that Katrina had the devastating effect on New Orleans that it did. Each mile of wetlands reduces storm surge by approximately 1 foot, according to what I’ve read. Wetlands could have reduced away five, ten, or fifteen feet of storm surge if they had been present. By eliminating hundreds of square miles of wetlands over the past 70 years (and even farther back on a more limited scale) the “protection” of New Orleans has resulted in its inevitable destruction. If you watch the graphic, pay close attention to the locations of the levee breaks. The river didn’t flood its banks, and neither did the lakes. The breaches occurred at points along the artificial canals.

Each year that the river’s sediment has been prevented from being spread out over the flood plain (a natural result of flooding) the land has declined. The sediment has actually ended up out in the gulf, wasted, because the “bird’s foot” extension of the Mississippi into the Gulf extends out to the edge of the continental shelf. The bottom line is that the continued survival of the landmass depends on consistent flooding by the river so that that replacement land is created at (or above) the rate at which the soil is removed (into the Gulf).

Enough with the science already. Since I’m writing this post, everyone must be curious as how to how this means Republicans suck. To be fair, it’s not just the GOP—it’s been a number of governments not paying attention to the problem. First, the fix.


Posted by Ross on 09/19/06 at 05:25 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Perfidy Attacks • Unmitigated Gall • (1) Trackbacks • Permalink

Apology, or not?

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The Pope said something the other day, and pissed off a lot of Islamic nutbags. Lucky for him, he appears only to have pissed off the ones he was actually referring to - the irony-challenged ones who think the answer to any such perceived sleight merits a murder threat or a bombing. BFD - I have nothing else to add to the matter that’s not already been said by others.

However, I thought I’d bring to your attention, in case you hadn’t seen it, a snippet from Scott Adams’ blog, entitled “Pope Stirs Up P o o p”, that got a chuckle out of me:

...I love the fact that the Vatican’s official position is that Muslims should be treated with “esteem.” According to my dictionary, esteem is a very weasely word. It can mean “high regard,” and that’s a nice compliment. But it can also mean “the regard in which one is held” which is a broad concept encompassing everything from “really groovy” to “bearded turds.”

My hope, I guess, would be that Benedict XVI meant the latter interpretation, not the former, but as a long-lapsed Catholic, my vote on such matters no longer counts.


Posted by Patton on 09/19/06 at 01:04 AM
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Friday, July 07, 2006

Inconstancy, thy name is Phil

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Ministry crony and recent comment grouch Phil has changed the name of his blog.  Again.


Posted by Buckethead on 07/07/06 at 12:38 PM
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

You racist, you

Perfidy Attacks

Ministry Crony Mapgirl alerts us to some idiocy on the Washington Post website.  For once, the craziness does not begin with the headline, but rather at the comments.  In this well reasoned opinion piece, Post columnist Jefferson Morley wonders just what the hell South Korea is thinking.  Given the existence, just to the north, of a madcap and goofy - yet nuclear armed - police state, Morley makes the point that we can reasonably accuse the South Korean government of hiding its collective head in the sand.  All well and good. 

But commenter Gene is oblivious to the reasoning Morley deploys, or the links to actual South Korean websites and other evidence of responsible journalistic practice.  Gene sees the headline “What, me worry?” and only one thing pops into his sad, strange little head.  God dammit, that man’s a racist for saying “What, me worry?”

While I believe that journalists have the editorial freedom to write what they want, I believe that using a title written in racist tone like “What me worry” is overstepping the boundary.
Surely, a good jounalist can write good articles without resorting to stereotypical remarks.
If the jouralist is bitter about the Korean government’s lackadasical reaction to this issue, he can state so in his article.
Such immaturity only speaks on his character.

Racist you say?  Well, geez, Gene, I always thought that that was an Alfred E. Newman quote.  You know, from Mad Magazine.  But notice the careful tactics of the modern race card player.  He begins every ridiculous claim of racist intent with a statement of principle.  Then the smooth segue into “while wholeheartedly approving of the principle of freedom assembly, three people is just over the line!” And then, the rote condemnation of stereotype.  And then, missing the point by saying that, “if the author wanted to say that, why didn’t he do it where no one would hear?” And finally, the closer, a personal attack.

All to typical.  I feel like I’m missing the boat here.  There are players out there, and they’re monopolizing the game.  I want to be a player.  So from now on, if anyone says something I even mildly disagree with, I’m going to accuse them of racism.  No matter what they say.  I only hope that I can do it with the panache of master player Gene.  Genius! 


Posted by Buckethead on 06/20/06 at 06:50 PM
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Sunday, June 04, 2006

Bush Calls for an Amendment Banning Same-Sex Nuptials

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JUST. SHUT. UP.  You pathetic piece of crap.  Hey, aren’t those aliens behind you!!!  Everybody down!!!  GAY ISLAMIC TERRORIST ILLEGAL ALIENS ARE GETTING MARRIED!  RIGHT OVER THERE!  ANYBODY?  Anybody?  anybody?  any...?

Worst President in history, hands-down.  6 years in office, and not a single policy accomplishment.  The President’s low-fact diet is finally yielding...zero results.  Brain liposuction may help.


Posted by Ross on 06/04/06 at 12:05 PM
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Hatin’ on the French

Crazy ForeignersPerfidy Attacks

My dear ‘ol mum, not a noted French-hater, sent me an electronic mail over the weekend just chock-full of derisive remarks on the military valor of the French.  I have no option but to share:

  • “The last time the French asked for ‘more proof ‘ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” --David Letterman
  • “I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” --General George S. Patton
  • “War without France would be like ... World War II.” --Unknown
  • “What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?” --Dennis Miller
  • “It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.” --Alan Kent
  • “Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.” --John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
  • “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” --Norman Schwartzkopf
  • “We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” --Marge Simpson
  • “As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” --Jacques Chirac, President of France
  • “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” --Rush Limbaugh
  • “The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” --Regis Philbin
  • “The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don’t know.” --P.J. O’Rourke (1989)
  • “You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” --John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
  • “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” --Conan O’Brien
  • “I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either.” --Jay Leno
  • “Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.” --Ted Nugent
  • “The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says ‘First Iraq, then France.’” --Tom Brokaw
  • “They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa’ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” --Argus Hamilton
  • “Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day—the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once.’” --Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
  • “The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” --Dennis Miller
  • “Raise your right hand if you like the French, ... raise both hands if you are French.” --Unknown
  • Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? 
    A. Table for 100,000 m’sieur?
  • “Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It’s not known, it’s never been tried.” --Rep. R. Blount, MO
  • The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
  • French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
    (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
    The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists

Posted by Buckethead on 05/16/06 at 12:29 PM
Crazy Foreigners • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink
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