Lead Pipe Cruelty

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A little late…

Lead Pipe Cruelty

... for Christmas, but I ran across this over at NRO and found it irresistable:

Shi’ites Roasting in a Mosque on Fire (To the tune “The Christmas Song ”)

Shi’ites roasting in a mosque on fire,
Sunnis bombed in their bazaar.
The U.S. cursed as an occupier
And oil flows still not up to par.

Everybody knows a firefight and an IED
Help make the streets of Baghdad bright.
Suicide fiends with their eyes all aglow
Think victory for them’s in sight.

They know that Baker’s had his say.
His ISG report said we don’t want to stay.
And our Iraqi friends rush to apply
For seats on any airplane that will fly.

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
For Cheney, Bush, and Condi too.
Although its been said many times many ways:
Nation building, we can’t do.

God bless the Derb


Posted by Buckethead on 12/27/06 at 06:31 PM
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Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Christmas

Darwin Award ContenderLead Pipe Cruelty

For you, dear reader, a Christmas present.  Thanks to the ever-watchful eye of Slashdot, we have this heartwarming story of cruelty, cupidity and shortsightedness.  A textbook example of how not to attempt to get people to commit crimes for you.  If this had resulted in death or sterility rather than embarrassment, this guy would be a shoe-in for a Darwin Award.  Sheer, perverse, anti-genius. 


Posted by Buckethead on 12/22/06 at 06:17 PM
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Little Christmas Treat

Lead Pipe CrueltyMusic Wonkery

There was a time, several years ago, when my life was all vodka dinners and spite. Yep, those were good days back in the music business. To take our minds off the spite, me and some friends got together and did stupid shit. Some in this situation get into fights. Some guys play rugby. Some golf; some collect stamps or fly to Singapore to perform acts of unspeakable beastliness.

We, we screwed around with media.

There’s a tape out there in the world somewhere, that features—yes—me and Jenna Jameson. But not in the way you think. No; think the opposite. It’s real funny.

And there’s also the following, recorded shortly before Christmas, the year 2000, by the Jersey City Taberknuckle Choir. That’s me on lead vocals and drunken bass.


Posted by Johno on 12/20/06 at 09:14 PM
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More Moving Trauma

Lead Pipe CrueltyUnmitigated Gall

It took me several hours to finally assemble the table, and to repair the desk.  After that intensely annoying labor, my office was looking nice.  I was feeling good.  So, I took a break from work to go hook up the washer and drier.  Turned on the washer, and it leaked through what is apparently a huge hole in the bottom of the washer.  It must have broke in the move.  And there’s no drain in the basement.  I am pissed.  Mrs. Buckethead is pissed, because she’s going to have to go to a laundromat to wash the clothes.

But hey, at least I’ve got high speed internet.


Posted by Buckethead on 12/20/06 at 08:13 PM
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Staring at the wall

EntertainmentLead Pipe Cruelty

This was me, two years ago. 

[Wik] I am pleased to note that this link came from my boss.  I am becoming happy with my new work environment.


Posted by Buckethead on 12/13/06 at 08:07 PM
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Monday, December 11, 2006

We are moved

Just So You KnowLead Pipe Cruelty

Casa de Buckethead, our place in the suburbs, has now been replaced by Festung Buckethead, our fastness in the wilderness of Warren County, Virginia.  I would like to make special mention of those brave, nay, foolhardy souls who assisted us in loading, carting and unloading our myriad possessions.  Jeff, who despite years of captaining a chair for NASA, showed commendable fortitude in the face of very large boxes.  Mike, who maintained a cheerful good humor even when forbidden to play any instruments.  Mike’s two sons Paul and Andrew, who, for teenagers, were able to focus on the task at hand and not ask for beer or electronics more than every ten minutes or so.  Christian, who, having known me for less than a year, still pitched in with admirable vigor.  Marcy, who despite being the littlest helper, hardly complained at all.  And Gavin, who’s skills at driving a large U-Haul truck left me amazed, but only after being paralyzed with fear.  And of course, Mrs. Buckethead, who did most of the packing, and will be doing most of the unpacking.  Thanks also to mom, who kept the junior-grade Bucketheads occupied and largely out of the way.

I would also like to express my admiration for the wisdom of all those who did not help us move, even while begrudging their lack of generosity of spirit.

All things considered, the move went surprisingly well.  The missus and I had actually packed damn near everything before moving day.  I have found from painful personal experience that failure to pack is a serious impediment to efficient moving.

The new place is out in the back of beyond, relative to our nation’s capitol and my workplace.  It’s even on a dirt road.  And the last turn to get down to our driveway is a little tight.  I thought that, with some careful driving, I could get the 26’ U-Haul down the drive.  But I decided to consult with Gavin, to see if he had any useful suggestions.  He merely replied, “Mind if I drive?” In the face of that sort of certainty, I had no real objection.  Gavin hopped in the truck, and without hesitation, barreled down the driveway.  He turned left, into the little turnaround, and then proceeded to back the truck around the hairpin turn.

At that moment, Christian had asked for a cigarette.  I was unable to comply, because just then Gavin touched the edge of the driveway with the left rear tire and tipped the top-heavy truck noticeably out of vertical.  Still he didn’t hesitate, and in seconds had the truck down by the house.  Chris asked again for a cigarette.  I handed one over, and said, “Sorry, I was paralyzed by fear.”

Gavin said that he was trying to avoid the trees.  But then, he also said later that evening that, “If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist,” so I can only conclude that he was just having fun at my expense.

Other memorable events:  Jeff breaking my rake while, to all appearances, trying to use it like a snowboard.  Me, twisting my ankle on perfectly level ground.  Everyone asking repeatedly, “You say you purged your books before you packed?” after seeing the 60+ boxes.  Hey, at least I had the foresight to pack them in little boxes…

Thanks again to everyone who helped, you have dibs on all the goodies when we have the housewarming party.

[Wik] A special tiny thanks to GL for coming up with a new name for the Buckethead residence.


Posted by Buckethead on 12/11/06 at 04:50 PM
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Friday, December 01, 2006

The Crucible of Your Adult Nightmares

Lead Pipe Cruelty

Thanks to the oddly named weblog kissing suzy kolber, I find the linked video, probably the insanest, crazymost sports highlight clip I will ever see if I live to be eleventy-hundred. Watch the video all the way through, and then try not to think about the number of lives that peaked that night, before any of them turned 19.

Thanks also to unfogged for the pointer. 


Posted by Johno on 12/01/06 at 05:00 PM
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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Attack of the Killer Land Contracts

Lead Pipe CrueltyUnmitigated Gall

Everything seemed to be going so smoothly.  That should have been my clue that everything was about to go balls up.  Either that, or I should have known better than to post about something that hadn’t happened yet, and was thus subject to the jinx.  I am now informed that the land contract issue might be a killer, and that we might not be able to get that property.  Land contracts are standard when the acreage involved is more than about ten acres.  Land contracts as a rule require 20% down payments.  We don’t have 20% of $350k.  Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

But, I tell myself, all is not lost.  First, we are approved for a mortgage - all we need to do is find a place that is less than ten acres.  We can use my wife’s idea for the addition to increase the value of the house we buy, sell it in a year, and have enough cash once we sell to put a down payment on a 20 acre plot like the one we want to get now.  The plan is not necessarily derailed, and we won’t even necessarily lose time.  We would, though, have to go through the hassle of buying, selling and moving again.

Also, I have moved into a quick reaction mode in regard to the 20 acre plot - I’ve talked to the boss of my current lender to see if something might be done.  He informs me that it is remotely possible that, by offering more documentation of my resources and history, and writing several begging letters, the underwriter might offer a waiver on some of the restrictions that normally apply.  So we’ll do that.  I’ve called three other lenders to see if they perhaps might offer something more congenial, and hopefully by later today they will have some positive news. 

Having made the decision that we want that particular land, it’s a true pisser that we might not get it.  And all this additional hassle is to say the least unwelcome.  We’ll see what happens.


Posted by Buckethead on 11/07/06 at 05:01 PM
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Friday, November 03, 2006

Wikipedia: the trash midden of the future

Lead Pipe Cruelty

Interesting perspective on the usefulness of Wikipedia - not so much as an encyclopedia, but rather a resource for those amongst our progeny who decide to study us.  Kind of a backhand slap to the Wikipedians, too: “history won’t care if you’re right or wrong, but your quaint biases and loquacious misinterpretations and wrongheadedness will be so wonderfully useful to the grad students of the future.” Might oughta be right.


Posted by Buckethead on 11/03/06 at 06:45 PM
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Monday, October 30, 2006

Multiple choice quiz

Lead Pipe Cruelty

I don’t expect to be given the choice, but if I am, I hope the list of options is at least a bit more varied than this:

For the record, those are listed in increasing order of both preference and age of demise. Coincidence?  You decide.

[Wik] Preference? “Peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and hollering like all the passengers on his bus”


Posted by Patton on 10/30/06 at 04:36 PM
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Friday, October 27, 2006

Friday Funtime Quizzery: Grim Endings Edition

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What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

image

“You will be smothered under a rug. You’re a little anti-social, and may want to start gaining new social skills by making prank phone calls.”

Quiz here.


Posted by GeekLethal on 10/27/06 at 10:58 AM
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Thursday, October 26, 2006

It’s never too late…

Lead Pipe Cruelty

My stepmom sent me this, in what I hope was not some sort of comment on my activities here:

dogblog

There are many for whom this cartoon represents an uncomfortable truth.  But not us.  No, not us.


Posted by Buckethead on 10/26/06 at 10:21 AM
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Thursday, October 12, 2006

It’s not often you can correct the Wall Street Journal

Lead Pipe Cruelty

From today’s “What’s News” column teaser-page (on-line; item didn’t appear in today’s Texas print edition):

The U.S. scrambled fighters over several cities after a small plane hit a 50-story residential building in New York, but it proved to be an accident. Two on board died, one of them Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle, who is a pilot.

Ahem.  “...who was a pilot.” Or “...a former pilot, now taking a nap of indeterminate length.”

[Wik] Alternate possibility: “...a former pilot, who has now assumed ambient temperature.”

[Alsø wik] No, I have no idea why I’m in such a disrespectful mood today, but thanks for asking.


Posted by Patton on 10/12/06 at 01:10 PM
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Your #1 Source For Quality Brainbuckets

Lead Pipe Cruelty

Apparently, there is a company that specializes in creating or...preparing...animal bits for musuem and classroom use.

Skulls Unlimited has a spiffy online catalog with photos and prices of all their wares, from aardvark to wombat; chimpan-A to chimpanzee.  It’s alot more interesting than you think, and not nearly as creepy as you, also, probably think.  Well, unless you personally need a creature processed, and we then get into their tremendously detailed and helpful directions for Fedex-ing a head:

1.  Raw heads need to be drained of excess moisture.

2.  Freeze heads prior to shipping.

3.  Wrap heads in newspapers to absorb excess moisture.

4.  Tie heads in multiple plastic bags to prevent excess moisture seeping out and ruining shipping box.

Did we mention the excess moisture?  Did you infer that that’s bad?  OK then.  Just so you know.  No excess moisture though, OK?

The site includes an online store for t-shirts, most of which I found surprisingly lame for such an astonishingly weird and cool line of business.  Being the thrifty sort, I made a beeline for the slightly damaged wares, the factory seconds, if you will, of the boiled and dissolved-in-acid taxidermy world.  I found pirhannas with broken fins and pigs with missing teeth at quite reasonable prices.  Also saw a pig skull with a hole in its forehead; probably don’t need CSI to solve that puzzle.

I was more interested though in the creatures with horns, as they make the most striking display.  They have your steer, your ram, your wildebeest, and about a dozen other horned beasts I’ve never even heard of but that have just great skulls.  For some reason I found the critter heads interesting, too- raccoons, cats and the like. 

It’s also a terrific place to shop for the upcoming holiday season, for the man who has everything.  Buckethead’s fantasy present below the fold: 


Posted by GeekLethal on 10/10/06 at 03:46 PM
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Oh, The Humanity!!

Lead Pipe Cruelty

In a development that will have thousands nationwide tearing their garments and gnashing their teeth in despair, the Yakima (WA) Herald Republic reports that fully 4% of the US hop harvest this year went up in smoke when the warehouse they were being stored in burned to the ground.

There’s just one thing for it, of course; drink more vodka until the shortage is alleviated. Stiff upper lip, all that.


Posted by Johno on 10/04/06 at 08:34 PM
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