Ministers

We'll see how funny it is when the robots come

Prefers butt-rape to funny hats

Walking the fine line between clever and stupid

The Cliche that walks like a man

Special Minister for icky girly stuff

Like all Canadians, he has an insatiable lust for world conquest

Minister Emeritus

Windy City Mike
social democrat, ca. 1930 trade-unionist, and professor of alleged history

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Death Takes a Holiday

The New York Times has a remarkable story this week about a photo album that came out of Auschwitz, with an accompanying slideshow that’s incredibly arresting. You see, rather than the usual deeply upsetting images of skeletonesque inmates suffering untold miseries, they’re pictures of their captors and executioners at rest and play, frolicking, hanging out, mugging for the camera, generally behaving like any people taking a break from the rigors of a job well done would. Except that the same day the pictures were taken, these well-rested and attractive people committed incredibly depraved acts against other humans. In these images, even Dr. Joseph Mengele seems like a shrimpy nebbish, with barely a hint of the maggots roiling behind his smiling eyes.

There’s one woman in the pictures, who appears a few times. She’s clearly a camp administrator of some kind, and she’s young, fresh, and pretty. She’s clearly vivacious and strong-willed; it’s easy to be attracted to this face from more than sixty years ago and imagine a friendship or a friendly beer. And then I realize that behind that smile and those pretty eyes is a mind completely and totally at ease with sorting families into keepers and corpses every single day, and I want to puke myself dry.

Thank the deity of your choice that such an artifact exists, and is in the hands of the National Holocaust Museum. For the danger, as we all know intellectually but tend to forget in our guts, is not from overt acts of monstrousness, but in the workaday—yes—banality of evil.

Posted by Johno on 09/20/07 at 03:08 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Low Blows

There’s two things that I am for sure: a rabid pro football fan (American style) and a bleeding heart pablum puker.

So, I’ve been growing increasingly concerned over the last few years as reports have surfaced of the extent and callousness of the NFL’s disregard for on-field player injuries and for disabilities suffered by retired players. Now, I’m no idiot. I know coaches regularly put guys in numbed up against cracked ribs or a broken finger to finish a series or a game. It’s football! But when you get beyond that, into the realm of doping up a lineman with a broken spine and sending him into the game, or letting your QB or running back play when he’s been hit on the head so hard he’s not sure of his name, the date, or which way is up, that’s a different story. Then pro football with its pads and lucrative ad deals, devolves into mere crude bloodsport (rather than a bloodsport at a remove, which is so much more civilized and refined). My own New England Patriots and their coach Bill Belichick are reportedly among the worst offenders here, taking horrible and stupid risks with players’ health that has cut many careers, and doubtless many lives, short.

Now, again, that’s theoretically an uncomplicated matter of well-informed people making choices as adults to put themselves in harm’s way. But the truth, naturally is not so neat. Via unfogged I have found a fascinating and dismaying article in Men’s Journal about the shameful and shabby treatment of retired injured players at the hands of the NFLPA (the players’ union), the league itself, and the various bodies set up to take care of retired players.

[Wik] A final question: What sense could it possibly make to put a player who makes $6M a year, by contract, for multiple years, in harm’s way unnecessarily? How is that good business? Your journeyman halfback plays on an injured knee, blows out his meniscus and his ACL or fractures his spine, and then collects the rest of his four-year contract from the sidelines, unable to do what he was hired to do but owed every penny of his salary. Wouldn’t it make more rational sense to take better care of your players and try not to play them when injured, in an effort to preserve your investment in him? Hell, leaving aside the fact that this would be the decent thing to do, it’s economically sensible!

Am I right? Am I right?

Posted by Johno on 09/11/07 at 10:13 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Saved from certain doom

Thank Goodness that Patton put up that li’l thing about Romanian IRS scammers, because I was about to go nucular in an attempt to spark some posting around here.
Namely, I was going to challenge my fellow ministers to kick this off the front page as quickly as humanly possible:

Posted by Johno on 09/09/07 at 04:56 PM
FakeBlogging • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Thursday, July 12, 2007

What I saw On My Morning Commute, Vol I

Awhile back I toyed with the idea of regular posts alerting our reading public about the kooky junk I saw on a regular basis on my way to work.

I never did, because 1, it would have meant regular posting which I am not against, mind you, but am basically incapable of; and 2, I left the job to which I commuted, which took me over the sketchiest bits of Crackton and was the source of the enterprise in the first place. All kinds of stuff the poor, miserable, or spiteful threw from passing cars wound up on that little spur off the interstate except the kitchen sink. The bathroom sink however was a victim, still sitting in a busted up vanity on the side of the highway, long dead and just waiting for porcelain-eating vultures to start in on the carcass.

Anyway, I still have alot of highway driving for my new gig, but none of it cuts through the city. Although my new commute does take me through some nasty streets of Little Newark, I’m too focused on not getting carjacked to notice much else.

So, the other day I did see something on the highway I’d never seen before: the most grisly roadkill ever.

To be sure I have seen the gruesome remains of prior victims of the critter-bumper interface. One time in particular, out in the leafier parts of the state, I came upon the aftermath of a moose that had been thoroughly killed by a big tour bus coming back from a casino. Oh-dark-thirty, middle of nowhere on a dark stretch of interstate and whammo. Now, what I saw that time was very messy indeed, but the body was long removed and all that remained was a gory swath in the road and bit of busted headlight and bumper on the median. The rest was left to the imagination.

But what I saw last week was still...eh, fresh.

I was tooling along when suddenly the traffic started thickening up in a place and at a time when it never does. That is, the mouthbreathing fuckwits who usually do mess up everybody’s commute by rear-ending each other or catching their cars on fire typically do it closer to the city proper. This was still in suburb terrain. After many miles of stop and go, it turned out that everyone was slowing to go around the...scene.

I *think* it was a deer.

What I saw was...ok, I’ve poked around my thesaurus and racked my brain for a better choice of words, but I just come back to “pile”.

It was a big pile of deep red glop, with a single tawny leg stiffly sticking out of it.

And that’s it.

Whichever of Deity’s wonders that animal had been the night before, by that morning it had been reduced to its basic components and left in a heap. It was almost as if a petulant child-God had started to create a lifeform and had begun monkeying around with some parts, but then got bored and went out to round up some of his God chums to find something more fun to do, like inspiring mortals to wage wars in their names, and have a good solid holy yuk at it all. Meanwhile his model animal project was left in the corner, unfinished, perhaps to complete later, perhaps never to complete at all.

It was like that.

Posted by GeekLethal on 07/12/07 at 09:37 AM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Uh, thanks for clearing that up?

Found in today’s NY Times:

Correction: Just Donâ€™t Call Them Inexpensive

Published: July 5, 2007

An article last week about inexpensive dresses misstated the name of a clothing store on Broadway. It is Yellow Rat Bastard, not Dirty Yellow Bastard.
(Go to Article)

Posted by Patton on 07/05/07 at 09:49 PM
Just So You Know • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I Was Having Such a Good Time, I Shit Myself

One gauge of a person’s moral fiber is how they treat animals.

Mitt Romney, for example, supports “extreme measures” for interrogators, and apparently thinks it’s fine to strap the family dog to the roof of the car and drive from Massachusetts to Ohio. The shit rolling down the back windshield? That’s doggy laughter.

Just sayin’.

Posted by Johno on 06/28/07 at 11:50 AM
Darwin Award Contender • FakeBlogging • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Partisan Politics • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Scratch the surface

Microsoft’s innovative (if, by innovative, you mean taking ideas that have been kicking around for twenty years and putting them in an overpriced and stunningly unwieldy form factor and calling it “revolutionary") Surface computer was debuted at the D conference a little while ago. Here’s a new take on it:

Posted by Buckethead on 06/20/07 at 07:17 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

But, Mr. Limpet does sound like Demosthenes

I found this over at the Llamabutchers, after I did my Harry Reid post over at Murdoc’s. This is makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Posted by Buckethead on 06/19/07 at 11:48 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Partisan Politics • Permalink

Three easy steps!

Helpful advice for surviving when the zombies come, all in a convenient wearable package:

Get yours today here.

Posted by Buckethead on 06/19/07 at 11:45 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Friday, June 08, 2007

This Jail’s For You!

I am sure you all know by now, but Young Miss Hilton is going to jail!

More schadenfreude for me!

I love the pictures of her crying. Save it for the runway or your big acting break.

Someone toss her a sandwich to shut her up.

Mommy? Mommy? How OLD are you that you still need your mommy? You never should have moved out of your mother’s house.

I am certain your parents are still so very proud of you, your sex tape and your irresponsibility.

************

Fortunately, I’ve never had a DUI in my life. Yes, I admit to probably driving when I shouldn’t have. But I also plan my drunk-drunk so that I am relatively sober by the time I leave the nightclub/restaurant/house party/picnic. We all know the rules, stay to the right, stay between the lines and drive the speed limit.

She’s under 30 and thin as a the finely etched lines of copper interconnect on a 300mm wafer. Her birdlike-metabolism should have her right stone sober in 30 minutes!

What kind of idiot still gets a DUI these days? On top of all that, she could afford a freakin’ driver or take a cab! Sheesh. I can’t AFFORD to do 45 days in jail or the legal fees for a lawyer, therefore I sober up!

I have zero sympathy. Don’t f*ck with the law. You had your chance. You do the crime. You do the time.

Dumbass.

Posted by Mapgirl on 06/08/07 at 07:48 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Entertainment • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I forgot to remember to forget

So check this out: a young Chinese government censor let a memorial to the victims of theTiananmen Square massacre slip past her into the paper she censors, because having grown up with censored news, she’d never heard of it.

Haw!

Posted by Johno on 06/07/07 at 04:52 PM
Crazy Foreigners • FakeBlogging • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Yes, this logo blows

On the subject of the 2012 olympic logo and its relative quality, I am told by the whole internets that the prevailing opinion is “it looks like Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob.”

Why yes… yes it does.

London must stand firm. They MUST NOT bow to pressure to abandon this hilarious and utterly appropriate logo! If this logo goes, the terrorists win.

Posted by Johno on 06/05/07 at 01:50 PM
Crazy Foreigners • Darwin Award Contender • FakeBlogging • Entertainment • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Perfidy Attacks • Permalink

Sunday, June 03, 2007

The purity of essence of our precious category tags

Patton has accused me of being overly concerned about wasting a scarce natural resource. The category tag. In this, of course, he is completely wrong. Naturally, I could have argued that over-categorizing a post dilutes the utility of tags. And I would have been right. But that wasn’t the point. I was attacking him on aesthetic grounds, and just to stick a stick in his eye.

Just to prove that I am not some sort of homo-tree-hugging-enviro-commie, this post, which really is about everything, is tagged with every category we have. And, when I have a free moment, I’ll add some new categories, and add them to this post.

So there.

Posted by Buckethead on 06/03/07 at 09:34 PM
No Category • Crazy Foreigners • Darwin Award Contender • FakeBlogging • Entertainment • Filthy Lucre • Holy Shit! • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Just So You Know • Lead Pipe Cruelty • NaNoWriMo • Music Wonkery • Partisan Politics • Perfidy • Perfidy Attacks • Perfidy Responds • That Buck Rogers Stuff • The Miracle of Science • Unmitigated Gall • War • Permalink

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Gone To Meet His Maker, Whoever That Might Be

Drunkle Hitch has, as expected, weighed in on the passing of Jerry Falwell. I’m not one to speak ill of the dead, but I do loves me a good savage rant from everyone’s favorite lit’ry critic and erstwhilely leftist drunken uncle!

“The evil that he did will live after him.”

Someone buy that man another Remy Martin!!

Posted by Johno on 05/16/07 at 05:30 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Monday, April 30, 2007

Found among this morning’s email joke deliveries

Subject: Tragedy vs Accident

Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class. They suddenly found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of The word “tragedy”.

So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

No,” says the Great Jesse Jackson, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted Reverend Al. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent.

No other children would volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: “If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

Fantastic!” exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

Well,” says little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.

(h/t Kiwi)

Posted by Patton on 04/30/07 at 03:00 PM
Just So You Know • Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

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