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It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell

Sunday, September 02, 2007

There’s Nothing More Pathetic Than an Aging Hipster

It’s so sad.

The New York Times Magazine has a deeply depressing ten-page spread this week about the New Savior of the Music Bidness, the One Hero Who Can Save Us All From Certain Penury and Unemployment From Our Phoney Baloney Jobs… Mister Rick Rubin!!

Yep, Rick Rubin. Helluva record producer. Helluvan ear on that guy. LL, Run DMC, Slayer, Anthrax, the Chili Peppers, Johnny Cash’s comeback, Neil Friggin’ Diamond’s very good comeback… that guy knows music for sure. But to save the music industry? Rick Rubin?

Please.

More Perfidious Goodness...

The thrust of the article is that Sony has made Rick Rubin the co-Head of Columbia Records, in the hopes of injecting a little of that wyld-ass energy he’s got into the proceedings, and in the process transmogrifying the ailing Industry into something leaner, meaner, and more efficent at siphoning money into the pockets of shareholders.

Now, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with that, really. The job of a corporation is, indeed, to “maximize shareholder value.” So good luck with that. But check out some of the “hot” “new” “ideas” that Rubin and his co-Head, a middle-aged run of the mill British record exec named Steve Barnett

(I once worked for a sharp and dapper gentleman, a young pretty thing and a rising force in the Industry, who had a taste for shiny suits, expensive haircuts, and the saddest upscale parties I’ve ever been near, lame affairs where the lower echelons sucked down furious premium cocktails on the company dime while a D-list hipster celebrity like Tricky or the guy who played drums on that Bjork record lurked sulkily in a padded banquette until enough minutes had crawled past that he could reasonably said to have performed the favor of appearing. This particular person had a penchant for arranging the firings of underlings who, in his estimation, were not partying hard enough at company outings. This man had executive power and the trust of a wealthy aging blowhard who once was a person of some consequence in music, at least until he was let go.

...but at least let go more gracefully than the one who was sacked after refusing to leave his hot tub to take an urgent call from the CFO, with an unfortunate sequence of words by way of instruction to his minion, such words being unfortunate due to their inference as to the character and moral standing of the CFO, and their audibility in the conference room at the other end of the line, the minion having failed to put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone…

... the wealthy aging blowhard mentioned two paragraphs prior recently being heard to remark an interview, “I love iPod. I think iPod is great...")

...a run of the mill British record executive named Steve Barnett have cooked up to save Columbia, save Sony, and save the World.

This summer, Columbia Records began a program called Big Red. The company invited 20 college students from Harvard, Penn State and the University of Miami to work on various music projects. The interns concentrated mostly on the digital marketing and promotions departments in Columbia’s offices in Midtown Manhattan, which are on Madison Avenue in a granite skyscraper designed by Philip Johnson.

At the end of their paid internships, the students took part in focus groups that were closely observed by Steve Barnett, Rubin’s co-head at the label, and Mark DiDia, whom Rubin brought in as head of operations, as well as by other Columbia executives. The focus groups may have been the real point of Big Red â€” Barnett and the New York executives, especially those who had been at Sony for years, wanted to try to take the pulse of the elusive music audience. “The Big Red focus groups were both depressing and informative, and they confirmed what I â€” and Rick â€” already knew,” DiDia told me afterward. “The kids all said that a) no one listens to the radio anymore, b) they mostly steal music, but they don’t consider it stealing, and c) they get most of their music from iTunes on their iPod. They told us that MySpace is over, it’s just not cool anymore; Facebook is still cool, but that might not last much longer; and the biggest thing in their life is word of mouth. That’s how they hear about music, bands, everything.”

Well, duh. But wait! There’s an idea here!

At Rubin’s suggestion, [Barnett] has also set up a “word of mouth” department, which will probably employ some members of the Big Red focus group along with dozens of other 20-somethings. The “word of mouth” department will function as a publicity-promotional arm of the company, spreading commissioned buzz through chat rooms across the planet and through old-fashioned human interaction. “They tell all their friends about a band,” Barnett explained. “Their job is to create interest.”

Wow. Damn. The secret to rescuing one of the greatest labels in the history of the world, and the flagship of one the big five… four… three sir! record companies is, pay some teenagers to go on the internet and pretend to give a shit about bands to their friends.

Shit! If only someone’d tried that eight years ago, set up a guy as, I dunno, the “internet marketing manager” and given him money and access to interns eager to tell their buddies all about the next big never-gonna-be, an’, an’, indie companies that you could pay to get content on dorm-room televisions, an’, an’ on campuses and into high schools and skate parks! If only every label in the world had tried that exact strategem back at the advent of the decade, the ship mighta been wrenched around by that critical arc minute to swing it juuuuust wide of the iceberg!

Oh, wait. They all screaming goddamn well did.

Brilliant, gentlemen.

But what else have they in mind?

Rubin has a bigger idea [I bet he does (-Johno)]. To combat the devastating impact of file sharing, he, like others in the music business (Doug Morris and Jimmy Iovine at Universal, for instance), says that the future of the industry is a subscription model, much like paid cable on a television set. “You would subscribe to music,” Rubin explained, as he settled on the velvet couch in his library. “You’d pay, say, $19.95 a month, and the music will come anywhere you’d like. In this new world, there will be a virtual library that will be accessible from your car, from your cellphone, from your computer, from your television. Anywhere. The iPod will be obsolete, but there would be a Walkman-like device you could plug into speakers at home. You’ll say, ‘Today I want to listen to ... Simon and Garfunkel,’ and there they are. The service can have demos, bootlegs, concerts, whatever context the artist wants to put out. And once that model is put into place, the industry will grow 10 times the size it is now.”

So, say I’m somewhere like, I dunno, my buddys fire pit in Northeastern Ohio. We got a bale of primo bud and a cooler full ale. And we wanna rock the fark out to Motorhead. All we gotta do is… wait… dude, do you get broadband out here?

But at least Barnett sees reason here:

Steve Barnett is nervous about the subscription model. “Smart people have told me if the subscription model is not done correctly,” he said, “it will be the final nail in our coffin. I’ve heard both sides of the argument, and I’m not convinced it’s the solution to our problems. Rick wants to be a hero immediately. In his mind, you flick a switch and it’s done. It doesn’t work like that.”

So, what you’re sayin’ is, your highly paid guru who has no office, no shoes, no phone number you can reach him on, and an oracular perspective on the Future of the Industry, is halfway fulla shit. Noted.

But this is where the antics spill over into full-on Larry/Curly/Moe madness. Check this shit out!

Barnett has other ideas, which he is discussing with Rubin. For instance, asking Columbia artists to give the record company up to 50 percent of their touring, merchandising and online revenue. This is unprecedented â€” even successful artists like the Dixie Chicks make a large percentage of their income from concerts and T-shirts.

So let’s break this down good so even the dim kids in the back of the class get it. Artists signed to major labels get this much money from album sales:

Zero.

If they go reaaaaaaly far, shift a few million units, that number can rocket all the way up to

A little.

Artists, every artist, from the overly earnest hairy-legged songbird down at your local coffe joint, to Buckethead’s wife’s excellent band, to Cheap Trick, to the Rolling Stones, Prince, and Barbra herself, make money in these ways:

Touring and appearances

Merch (t-shirts, keychains, beer coozies, etc.)

Whatever b.s. online revenue streams they can dig up.

If the artist also happens to be a songwriter, or to control their own publishing, they may also get decent to spectacular paydays off of that as well, and forego some of the above. (The rap and electronic worlds also have their alternate revenue streams, but at the end of the day they amount to a new flavor of touring, merch, online B.S., publishing, or songwriting.)

So, basically, leaving aside songwriting and publishing which are separate pillars of the business, with their own contracts, deal structures, and support agencies, the magic bullet that’s gonna save Sony/Columbia from disappearing up their own anii while simultaneously collapsing in a fiery heap while offstage a muted trumpet plays “waaah-waaah” is, WE’LL FIND OUT WHAT MONEY OUR ARTISTS ARE EARNING, AND MAKE THEM GIVE IT TO US INSTEAD!!!

(While, one presumes, twisting their moustaches in glee and twisting their monocles deeper into their eye sockets, the better to see the young immigrant boys they hired straight off a plane at JFK for a nickel wrestle each other to their deaths. Sweet suffering Jesus; there’s villainy, and then there’s incompetent cartoon villainy.)

So, while the money man is looking at grade-skool level larceny as a viable corporate survival strategy, what’s the GURU up to, Stu?

[Rubin is] always on a quest to find just the right thing, whether it be a book or a building. Recently, he hunted down the brand of water that claims to have the greatest level of purity (Ice Age); he pored over architectural manuals to determine what kind of hinge would have been used in 1923 (for his house); and when Johnny Cash was ailing, Rubin discovered a kinesiologist whom Cash credited with extending his life. And so on. Rubin has always been passionate, even compulsive, about his interests.

Gentlemen, I say with mingled regret and pleasure that you all deserve everything you get.

[Wik] Oh, and another thing about that “Big Red” focus group? Isn’t it a truism that kids these days (kids these days!!) have finely tuned bullshit detectors that can see right through most forms of marketing known to man and many which haven’t even been invented yet? And a bunch of teenagers on the intarnets getting paid in free.... what.... free CDs??? Free “subscriptions” to whatever music download service Sony pukes up?... are going to somehow outwit their peers?

I’ve seen it a hundred times. Pimping music is wonderful and even fulfilling when you can really believe in the quality of the record you’re working. Then it’s no so much like whoring, and more like evangelizing. But nine times out of ten, you’re actually getting paid to pretend that some giant steaming turd is really a tasty sandwich, when everyone from Prague to Paducah can see the difference. And that not only sucks the soul right out of you, it’s how record companies and their hacks become hacks. The stink of hack clings to the hacky hacks like cigar smoke and drug store perfume clings to the upholstery in the $20 lapdance room out at the Moonlight on old Route 11. And you don’t really come back from that.

Too Goddamn Much Perfidy...

Posted by Johno on 09/02/07 at 11:20 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Entertainment • Filthy Lucre • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Music Wonkery • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The Jesus Phone

I happened to be near the Apple Store yesterday. (Buying a geek book for work down the street from it.) I wandered in. The hype crowd had cooled down but it was still hoppin’ for a cool summer evening. A Monday no less.

Now I know Buckethead is drooling over the phone, but I’ve been interested in it because I am looking for a laptop alternative. I hate blogging inside my house on a nice day. I would love to go to a cafe and blog over WiFi and check out the jarheads on PT runs. What good is living near the Pentagon if you don’t get gym queen eye candy? (Really, it’s like living in the Castro in SF again, except the men are straight and not quite as ripped.) But I digress.

I really want a laptop and was seriously considering a MacBook, priced the damned thing and everything. Looked at the refurbs, offered to buy one off a girlfriend who hated hers. (She and I are of the same ilk, no lifting your hands off the keyboard to use the mouse. It wastes time.) But I thought maybe I should wait a see what this iPhone thingamabob is all about. You see, I have a 4GB Nano I won in a blog contest and I really don’t use it. I have an indash 6-CD changer and usually that’s enough music to last me months without a change. I even mislaid the thing for a few months because I just don’t need audio white noise in my life. I abandoned my Palm V after I didn’t have a desktop anymore to sync it to pull down articles from AvantGo and read them on the train and because I was a car commuter and didn’t have the time to read anymore.

So here I am at the store. I looked at an iPhone and started to use it as instinctively as I knew how because a really great GUI doesn’t need instructions. It should be intuitive and obvious. Right?

Well, I had heard a little about how the button gets you always back to the start page with your icons. I admit, it’s a beautifully clear screen with great width, but it’s about the size of my old Palm V and still feeling a bit large in the hand. (I use a KRZR right now, not crazy about it, but it’s narrow, which I like.)

After about 30 seconds, I wanted to hurl the damned thing across the room. Luckily for Apple and its patrons, it was bolted down.

More Perfidious Goodness...

Excuse me, but this gadget was designed by men for men. Being the girly girl that I am, I keep my fingernails long. I like to scratch the itch. There’s nothing more satisfying than bearing down and taking a layer of dermis off when you’ve got a terrible itch. Unfortunately, that precludes using this device. Period. End of story. I don’t even need to proceed any further. If you are not a nail biter, you can never use this phone.

All the men around me thought it was the bomb. I glanced at their fingers. They were all effing nail biters. Shit. Even I AM a nail biter when I am bored at work, but I don’t bite down to the quick. That’s disgusting and makes your fingers bleed, an even worse biohazard. But of course their fat sausage fingers are greasy and skating right across the glass surface. The idea of that makes me nauseated and reach for the Windex.

All around me I heard was that it was amazing. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that great. It’s still not going to replace a laptop and wireless connection for a person like me. Either I want a phone or I want a highly connective mobile device, but apparently what I really want is a sub-notebook about 4-6” across with a wireless card, and a full-size 110-key folding keyboard accessory. The Jesus phone doesn’t cut the mustard at all. (I am seriously thinking of patenting that idea so if any of you are electrical engineers with experience in injection molded plastics, please contact me.)

I don’t have chunky fingers and I was still mistyping out the wazoo. I literally had to hunt and peck with my ring finger (shortest fingernail) to type. The interface could not keep up with my speed. Also, for the auto guessing of words, I couldn’t easily figure out at first which button would complete the fill because I could not accurately ascertain which one I was hitting. (Why does the return key actually do a carriage return after it autofills? That’s crap. Auto fill with no line break.) I did try covering my finger with my shirt tail and typing, which was surprisingly effective, even through a couple layers of fabric. I hear that with gloves on, it’s impossible to use, which sort of precludes outdoor winter use, say in front of a bar grabbing a smoke trying to get your friends to meet you inside in 15 minutes as they walk from the metro. (Who says the smoking ban in SF, NYC and DC sucks? At least you get clear signal outside!)

The other thing that really struck me as poorly done is that the screen automatically rotates the output for web browsing. Ok, that’s pretty neat and a good idea. But when you use Safari and the top tilts 90 degrees to the right, that’s great. I’m a righty and that instinctive for me. But when I was looking at the embedded YouTube application, IT TILTED THE OTHER WAY. Um, not cool to have to rotate it 180 degrees from the web browser just to watch video. That’s insane. The Apple dweebie in the store insisted that I had done something wrong, however, a device should never automatically switch from one orientation to the other like that spontaneously. I should be able to set it to a righty setting and lefties should get their own setting. That’s a pretty reasonable GUI expectation.

To be fair, my blog looked GREAT onscreen! So did my blogpal, David’s blog (see the iPhone inputted comment I left there and the crappy typos). And PFBlogs.org. Three sites I would definitely visit if I had a mobile device. I have a PSP and I have tried to use WiFi to browse the web with it, but frankly it sucks. The iPhone is VAST improvement over that. The incoming sound over iPod headphones was ok. I didn’t get a chance to hear back from anyone about how the phone messages sounded that I left for them. (Buckethead?)

OH. Word to the hygiene wise, if you wish to go to see this device, TAKE YOUR OWN HEADPHONES. It was vile to watch the unwashed masses use the the same headphones over and over. I happened to have my iPod in my purse and used my own self-defiled headphones, thank-you-very-fucking-cleanliness-much. I only wish I had Purell because I was touching that screen all over and was getting grossed out. I didn’t want to put it up to my face to use lest my skin I break out from necrotizing faciitis. Really, you cannot be too careful around these Mac fans. While their brand image may be clean, oy vey, their clientele is not. And this is the NoVA, BMW-driving yuppie crowd. It was teh ick. And for those not in the know, I am not a clean freak, but basic public health demands some more caution. Thank god it came out in the summertime, because during flu season, it would be quite the vector for spreading germs. (Don’t even tell me that these are special headphones with the mic in the cord, I don’t care. It’s gross. Do want me to breathe all over your food the next time we dine together?)

Ok, that’s enough of my ranting. You get the point. I’m not throwing away money on this thing. I pity Buckethead who will probably shed tears of joy when he first gets it and the curse AT&T 6 months later for the poor service. (News tip, VERY VERY LATE on Friday afternoon, 6pm ish EDT, AT&T announced the purchase of Dobson Telecom, which will give them better coverage in flyover country, so in a year, complaints about spotty service around the US might actually be moot. I presume I will still not be able to get a signal from inside the anechoic chamber better known as my parents’ home. I swear, the NSA doesn’t even block radio signal that well. Only Verizon gets through there. Sprint, Nextel AT&T nothing. You have to walk down the driveway to the sidewalk to get signal.)

[Wik] I really, really, really wanted to like this phone. I did. I really want to be one of the cool kids and I was hoping it would be suitable for what I want, but alas, it’s not. I *heart* Steve Jobs and I’d give my left pinkie to go work at Pixar, even if that would slow down my typing, I’d do it. There’s something hot about the turtleneck and the rimless glasses, but I bet he’s another psycho behind the wheel of a black BMW, because he definitely is a megalomaniac.

Too Goddamn Much Perfidy...

Posted by Mapgirl on 07/03/07 at 12:55 AM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Sunday, June 03, 2007

The purity of essence of our precious category tags

Patton has accused me of being overly concerned about wasting a scarce natural resource. The category tag. In this, of course, he is completely wrong. Naturally, I could have argued that over-categorizing a post dilutes the utility of tags. And I would have been right. But that wasn’t the point. I was attacking him on aesthetic grounds, and just to stick a stick in his eye.

Just to prove that I am not some sort of homo-tree-hugging-enviro-commie, this post, which really is about everything, is tagged with every category we have. And, when I have a free moment, I’ll add some new categories, and add them to this post.

So there.

Posted by Buckethead on 06/03/07 at 09:34 PM
No Category • Crazy Foreigners • Darwin Award Contender • FakeBlogging • Entertainment • Filthy Lucre • Holy Shit! • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Just So You Know • Lead Pipe Cruelty • NaNoWriMo • Music Wonkery • Partisan Politics • Perfidy • Perfidy Attacks • Perfidy Responds • That Buck Rogers Stuff • The Miracle of Science • Unmitigated Gall • War • Permalink

Come home, Craig Ehlo, all is forgiven

Holy shit, the Cleveland Frigging Cavaliers are in the NBA Finals for the first time ever.

Holy frigging shit.

Posted by Johno on 06/03/07 at 08:12 PM
Holy Shit! • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

To Love Science is to Hate Freedom, and Vice Versa

With my first kid’s arrival growing ever more imminent, I have like any responsible father been looking forward to the day when my young son (for a son it is) gets his first chemistry set. More even then that, I have been looking forward to the day when the boy successfully blows something up using ingredients found in said chemistry set.

But apparently, that makes me a terrorist. Wired has a spectacular and detailed article about the difficulties facing home science enthusiasts these days - to buy a couple Erlenmeyer flasks is to be flagged as a producer of crystal meth, and to go so far as to purchase sulfur, potassium perchlorate, and powdered aluminum in one go is to presumptively contravene the Federal Hazardous Substances Act. We are living in strange days if the Feds are raiding private homes and carting off science stuff in the name of national security, but it’s undeniably happening. As a consequence, the chilling effects are making it harder and harder (in this age where the drumbeat goes “America is losing its edge in science!") to do nifty stuff at home that kids can take with them to MIT, CalTech, or, hell, even little Hiram College, the Harvard of the Midwest.

American society in general has taken some great steps forward in ensuring the safety of young children. Many of the laws enacted to protect kids more or less do that job. But for my dollar, just as I oughta be able to smoke a fat doob in the comfort of my own living room and watch Blazing Saddles, and just as I oughta be able to procure Vioxx for myself if that’s what takes care of the chronic pain that keeps me from any kind of rewarding life and I’m fully aware of the risks of heart attack that I am taking on, I oughta be able to spend some time with my kid making stinks, crystals, and small scale bangs in the garage.

Glenn Reynolds has been posting recently about a few books that I’m surely going to keep around the house: the recently published The Dangerous Book for Boys and 211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do, and The American Boy’s Handy Book, originally published in 1888 and featuring all manner of entertainingly dated knowledge like how to make a blowgun, and the rudiments of home taxidermy.

I can’t in good conscience raise children who can’t use a screwdriver, can’t light a fire with two matches, have never made a home volcano, and have never had the oh-shit thrill of packing a D size rocket engine inside a B-rated model rocket and watching that sonofabitch fly high and drift at least a half-mile off course into the housing development three treelines away. It wouldn’t be American.

Posted by Johno on 06/03/07 at 02:28 PM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • The Miracle of Science • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Friday, June 01, 2007

Comparative legal analysis

What do these two suits have in common?

”Couple sue Wal-Mart over slip in vomit“
(AP/Nashville Tennessean)

and

“ACLU: Boeing offshoot helped CIA“
(AP/Houston Chronicle)

Simple:

They each have a distinct odor associated with them
They’re both based on slippery circumstances
They’re both as baseless as the day is long

Only one of them, however, appears to have been categorized by the Associated Press as an “Odd Story”. So let’s look at that one first:

More Perfidious Goodness...

Couple sue Wal-Mart over slip in vomit
DAVENPORT, Iowa (AP)—A woman’s fall in a puddle of vomit has resulted in a lawsuit against Wal-Mart. June Medema, slipped in the vomit at a Davenport Wal-Mart on June 13, 2005, according to the lawsuit, filed by Medema and her husband, James, in Scott County District Court earlier this month.

Medema claims that she was seriously injured in the fall.

The lawsuit alleges that Wal-Mart’s negligence led to Medema’s fall, but it does not specifically say how the store was negligent.

John Simley, a Wal-Mart spokesman, decline comment saying he hadn’t seen the lawsuit.

The lawsuit claims that Medema suffered serious neck and upper back injuries in the fall and has undergone several surgeries and is unable to work.

It’s a mercifully short story, so it’s included here in its entirety. All you need to know is in that third paragraph - “...but it does not specifically say how the store was negligent.” In order to prove negligence, of course, the Medemas will have to prove that Wal-Mart knew the vomit was puddled on the floor. Which will be rather difficult - if they didn’t see it, why should Wal-Mart have done so?

As to the second story, I can completely understand the ACLU going after a Boeing subsidiary - They can’t sue the US government or the CIA on a classified matter, so they simply picked someone else in the transaction chain to sue.

NEW YORK â€” A Boeing Co. subsidiary that may have provided secret CIA flight services was sued Wednesday by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of three terrorism suspects who claim they were tortured by the U.S. government.

The lawsuit charges that flight services provided by Jeppesen Dataplan Inc. enabled the clandestine transportation of the suspects to secret overseas locations, where they were tortured and subjected to other “forms of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment.”

The ACLU, of course, has been known to provide valuable legal services. They’ve also been known to tilt at windmills in pursuit of an agenda that tends to be decidedly leftist. Not “liberal” - leftist. As I said, I can understand their grasping at straws to find someone to sue, because money-grubbers have to go where the money is, even if they expect to get no money out of the matter.

I just can’t understand why they think their suit will survive a summary judgment request. Jeppesen Dataplan didn’t man the flight, didn’t own the plane, and didn’t load or unload alleged passengers from the alleged extraordinary alleged rendition alleged mission. Jeppesen provides flight planning services. Logistics.

Undaunted by this bit of reality, the ACLU soldiers on:

The ACLU said the company “either knew or reasonably should have known” that they were facilitating the torture of terrorism suspects by providing flight services for the CIA.

That’s one of the ten most absurd things I’ve read in the last 48 hours. Having been on flights which used the services of flight planning companies like Jeppesen, and having occasionally been with the pilot when he was planning the flight, I’m comfortable asserting that in no case did a flight services vendor demand to know, let alone show even the slightest interest in, what the purpose of the flight was. Which is just as well - it would have been none of their business, and they’d have been told as much.

It occurs to me that there are two other things these two suits have in common - they’re both weakly disguised fundraising attempts, and neither one will be successful at anything other than garnering publicity for its plaintiff.

Also posted at issuesblog.com

Too Goddamn Much Perfidy...

Posted by Patton on 06/01/07 at 02:31 AM
Filthy Lucre • Holy Shit! • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Just So You Know • Perfidy Attacks • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Buckethead, your destiny awaits you

In all likelihood, this will be me, Princess Cat and Blackfive on the Friday before the Milblogger conference in a few weeks.

[Wik] Princess Cat notes that we will likely have AWTM with us as well. We’ll need a whole line of urinals!

Posted by Buckethead on 04/19/07 at 02:20 PM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Me? I’d prefer they just focus on getting out of Chapter 11

Chapter 11 proceedings seem to focus the corporate mind. Not always on anything that matters to business, however. Witness, below, excerpted from an email message I got from Delta Airlines today:

In a partnership with The Conservation Fund, we are the first U.S. airline to implement a voluntary carbon offset program â€” and we’d love to have you “onboard.”
It’s simple. Beginning June 1, 2007, you will be able to add a small donation to fund the planting of trees in sustainable managed forests around the globe when you book your ticket at delta.com. These trees will help off-set carbon emissions by absorbing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and converting it to oxygen as part of their natural processes.
We’ll disburse 100 percent of your donation to “The Conservation Fund program” to plant trees and to support the organization’s education and outreach efforts. Additionally, we’ll make a donation to The Conservation Fund for every customer flying on a Delta mainline jet worldwide on Earth Day (April 22).
It’s just part of our Force for Global Good initiative that strives to benefit the world we fly everyday. So go ahead and take a flight, and join us in uniting our customers and employees in support of environmental stewardship.

Note: this, from the company with the well-meaning customer service people who called to reschedule a flight I’ve got on tap for next week because their operations staff had changed things, leaving me a massive 7 minute connection time in Atlanta. Whoops. But at least they called.

Anyhow, a couple things occur to me right off the bat.

If they’d paid as much attention to their stockholders as they pretend to pay to the environment, their (former) stockholders wouldn’t need to be such heavy users of Preparation H. Sure, the stock’s at $0.16/share as I write this, but it’s likely overvalued. Bankruptcy has a way of doing that.

Secondly, as I read that kind offer of theirs to join the “Force for Global Good”, it sure looks like they’re trying hard to do it with my money, and that it’s not really them (other than on Earth Day™!) that will be doing the giving. If they want to give their own corporate money to a fool’s boondoggle like carbon offsets, I’m fine with that. I’m not one of their stockholders, and am, in fact, a relatively steady customer of theirs. They’ve already proven, over the years, a callous disregard for the interests of their owners, and those owners are probably beyond surprise at this point. The customers, like me, being a bit more flexible in our ability to avoid having donations milched on our behalf, will see this as the useless public relations gum flapping that it is.

[Wik] What good is corporate gum flapping without a press release?

Posted by Patton on 04/18/07 at 10:55 PM
Filthy Lucre • Holy Shit! • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A Fine Place for a Rebel Base

Researchers atop Mount Washington, New Hampshire’s answer to a Dantean vision of frozen Hel (except with a mountain in the middle instead of a giant winged Satan devouring classical villains), discovered that boiling water instantly freezes up there. Dig it.

I expect they will soon also discover that tauntauns don’t only smell bad on the outside.

Posted by GeekLethal on 03/06/07 at 05:20 PM
Holy Shit! • It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Friday, February 09, 2007

An interesting take on the global warmening debate

Or, perhaps more properly, the regular assertions that the debate, she is over!

From James Taranto’s column of Feb 9, 2007, discussing a noxiously ill-thought-out op-ed by Ellen Goodman in that same day’s Boston Globe. He has much to say about what’s offensive in her rhetorical approach, and for that, I recommend reading the entire piece. More generally, however, he explains his take on global warming, and illuminates what’s truly wrong about the attempts to stifle all discussion on the matter (Taranto uses “we” and “our” in the self-referential, “royal” sense):

This columnist is skeptical of global warming. We don’t have enough scientific knowledge to have anything like an authoritative opinion--but neither does Ellen Goodman, who bases her entire argument on an appeal to authority, namely the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. We lack the time, the inclination and possibly the intellect to delve deeply into the science. No doubt the same is true of Goodman.

Our skepticism rests largely on intuition. The global-warmists speak with a certainty that is more reminiscent of religious zeal than scientific inquiry. Their demands to cast out all doubt seem antithetical to science, which is founded on doubt. The theory of global warming fits too conveniently with their pre-existing political ideologies. (Granted, we too are vulnerable to that last criticism.)

Above all, we can’t stand to be bullied. And what is it but an act of bullying to deny that there is any room for honest disagreement, to insist that those of us who are unpersuaded are the equivalent of Holocaust deniers, that we are not merely mistaken but evil?

I remain skeptical (or, if I were British, not that I am, “sceptical"). I have seen nothing that convinces me global warming is a man-made problem, that it has a man-made solution, or, frankly, that it’s even a net problem at all. And I, like Taranto, despise bullies, particularly those who bring highly debatable arguments to the table, and then demand my acquiescence.

Posted by Patton on 02/09/07 at 08:30 PM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Not just a placeholder, this time

Unlike my earlier post, which was an apparently futile attempt to forestall further posts from The BirdMan, this one’s for real.

A bit of background is in order. Katy, Texas is one of the western suburbs of Houston, fast becoming the demographic center of the metropolitan area due to its inexorable growth. Pretty much all by itself, it’s caused a massive construction project to widen Interstate 10 to something like 14 lanes from downtown to the west side.

Along with that growth has come a bit of highly-localized strife, the most recent installment of which can be found in this article from yesterday’s Katy Times:

Baker Rd. pig races go â€œDailyâ€

By Nick Georgandis
Managing Editor

Thursday, February 8, 2007 1:56 PM CST
â€œThe Daily Showâ€ correspondent Rob Riggle, a alumni of â€œSaturday Night Liveâ€ and an improv comedian, holds a sausage-on-a-stick and can of beer while conducting an interview with a patron at the American Pig Race Friday night on Baker Road.

(Times photo/Nick Georgandis)

Those in attendance at Friday night’s installment of Craig Baker’s â€œAmerican Pig Raceâ€ on Baker Road paid little heed to the camera crew at first - after all, members of the media have been no stranger to this part of town over the last couple of months. But when â€œThe Daily Show with John Stewartâ€ correspondent Rob Riggle decided to conduct an interview with one patron while simultaneously gnawing on an enormous sausage-on-a-stick and taking sips from a can of Busch Beer, there were plenty of double takes, pointed fingers and whispers from the 100-plus member crowd.

Craig Baker, a local businessman, owner of Craig Baker Marble Company, Inc., after whose family the road is named, is in the middle of a tiff with the Katy Islamic Association (K.I.A.).

Baker has stated that in late September, Yousuf Shaikh and Kamel Fotough came to his business to introduce themselves, then advised him that his business would not go well alongside their proposed mosque and Islamic Community Center, and that he would be wise to vacate the area.

Further detail, from an earlier story in November, 2006:

Craig Baker owns pigs. He’s the guy behind the second big yellow sign on Baker Road. That’s the one announcing Friday night pig races.

“What does it matter, I can do whatever I want with my land right,” asked landowner Craig Baker.

Sure can. But aren’t pigs on the property line racing on a Friday night a little offensive to a Muslim neighbor?

“The meat of a pig is prohibited in the religion of Islam,” said Katy Islamic Association member Youssof Allam. “It’s looked upon as a dirty creature.”

Yeah, there’s that and also that Friday night is a Muslim holy day.

“That is definitely a slap in the face,” said Allam..

Now before you go thinking Craig Baker is unfair, or full of hate, or somehow racist, hear him out.

Baker has long roots here. His family named the road and when the new neighbors moved in, he tells us, they asked him to move out.

“Basically that I should package up my family and my business and find a place elsewhere,” said Baker. “That’s ridiculous, they just bought the place one week prior and he’s telling me I should think about leaving.”

This being Texas, and even though Houston lacks all the cowboy hats, boots, and big belt buckles of Dallas and other prototypical Texas towns, KIA isn’t getting much sympathy so far. Instead, their alleged attempt to control use of someone else’s land has gone over like the proverbial “turd in the punchbowl” ("like a fart in church”?). I wonder what the Koran has to say about either of those?

In any event, Comedy Central will reportedly be airing the episode at 10:00 Central Time, next Tuesday, Feb 13, 2007. I expect hilarity to ensue.

[Wik] Other opinions on the matter exist, of course. I didn’t say “any” I said “much”.

[AlsÃ¸ wik] I’m thinking there’s a chance that this isn’t really a site affiliated with the K.I.A. Someone get the WIPO on the phone, pronto!

[AlsÃ¸ alsÃ¸ wik] Let’s not bullshit each other, however. This isn’t a social or land demarcation issue - Baker gives every impression of disliking Islam, period. Which, he’s totally free to do, in AmeriKKKa, no?

[Wi nÃ¸t trei a hÃ¸liday in Sweden this yÃ«r?] Am I the only one who thinks Mr. Georgandis was snarkily opportunistic in his choice of photo? I wonder what she’d just said to him?

Posted by Patton on 02/09/07 at 05:42 PM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Just So You Know • Permalink

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I think this is supposed to be humorous

And, in typical Onion fashion, of course it is. I guess.

But when I read the article available at the link below, it occurred to me that it could as just as easily have appeared in the “straight” press, and if it were, it might pass as a normal news story. You know, one of those that you read and nod your head in agreement?

Odd, that.

Ohio State Defeats Michigan 42-39 In Ultimately Meaningless Game

COLUMBUS, OH—In what had been touted as a college-football matchup for the ages, the top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes defeated the No. 2 Michigan Wolverines 42-39 Sunday in a game that, while exciting, ultimately made no real impact on the...

[Wik] I just noticed the “tweak” they’d obviously added as a “nudge, nudge, wink, wink” to keep us from taking it seriously (other than the fact it was posted in the Onion) - the game wasn’t played on a Sunday. Sneaky Onion bastards!

[AlsÃ¸ wik] As previously discussed, I hope USC wins out convincingly, or better yet, loses twice while Florida beats Florida State by 150 points or more, because I really don’t care to see a rematch between UM & OSU in Tempe. Since OSU’s going to win anyway, how about Boise St, the only other ranked, undefeated team? Yes, you’re right - that’s going too far.

Posted by Patton on 11/23/06 at 07:59 PM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Your #1 choice for quality novelty chess sets

Somewhere in the rainbow of tacky products, sandwiched between commemorative coins for events of only passing interest, and “collector’s editions” fast food beverage cups, lies the novelty chess set.

In modern tymes, the game of kings is so widely accessible that it has become just another victim of mass tackiness. Long reserved for the wealthy and noble who didn’t have to work for a living and had time for trivial pursuits, chess can now be no less attractive than your plastic dinnerware that celebrates “Fifty Years of the Dragster”.

I don’t play chess. That is, I can, I’m just not very good at it, and have nothing personally invested in keeping at least marginally attractive chess pieces around. But just out of a sense of respect for a game of such rich and dignified history, I just can’t accept things like The Animal Chess Set:

Baboon to Zebra 7...oh hell with it…

Or the Farmland Set:

Is it the pig that moves like an L, or is that the dairy cow...?

Or the Basketball Set:

Maneuvering your big balls onto the opposing cheerleader- a classic chess strategem.

But it doesn’t stop there. You got about a dozen variants of cats vs. dogs. You got evil vs. good. You got skeletons vs, I believe, other skeletons. Taking it forward, the Ministry recommends these new chess sets for future development:

Bloods vs. Crips
Sunni vs. Shiite
Godzilla vs. Megalon
John Birch Society vs. COMINTERN
Boy Scouts vs. Girls Scouts
Aryan Brotherhood vs. MS13
Ford vs. Chevy
Bananas vs. Plantains
Typhoid vs. Penicillin
8 Â½ x 11 vs. Legal
Coke vs. Pepsi
Paperclips vs. Staples
Tequila vs. Stomach Lining
Sutures vs. Scissors
Hawking vs. Newton
Guggenheim vs. Metropolitan
Turds vs. Daisies

Don’t let your trailer’s walls limit your imagination the way you let it limit your hygiene, nutrition, and job prospects. With a bit of imagination, the tacky possibilities for embarrassing chess sets are endless!

[Wik] I forgot to add that I know what I’m getting Minister Buckethead for Chrsitmas this year: the Endangered Species set, complete with pandas as pawns. Extinction with every move!

Posted by GeekLethal on 10/18/06 at 08:43 AM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Look at me, I’m sooper sekrit

This will make some in the national security apparat have a quiet, secretive coniption fit. Void Communications has designed itself a brand new, totally secure, self erasing communications system - one that will allow any two people to have a secure conversation that leaves no trace whatsoever of its existence.

Key to Void’s Web-based VaporStream service is the fact that at no time does the body of the message and the header information appear together, thus leaving no record of the interaction on any computer or server. The message cannot be forwarded, edited, printed or saved, and, once it’s been read, it disappears; nothing is cached anywhere. No attachments allowed.

Responding to questions about the service’s utility for terrorists and other malcontents, DEMO Executive Producer Chris Shipley said,

“Good guys need confidentiality, too.”

While this has geek credibility, is certainly an impressive display of cleverness, and no doubt lots of powerful people with guns will be very pissed off - it’s kinda pointless, considering that maintaining any sort of anonymity or privacy in the coming age will be nigh on to impossible without extreme measures that will be indistinguishable from paranoia, or dropping off the grid entirely. Neither course will be conducive to living a normal life, or getting dates, and therefore will be rarely followed.

Posted by Buckethead on 09/27/06 at 11:52 AM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • That Buck Rogers Stuff • Permalink

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

There is only one time, and that is too late

This advice comes too late for me, but maybe some pour soul can be saved from the fires of perdition.

Posted by Buckethead on 09/13/06 at 03:15 PM
It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell • Permalink

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It'll Be a Cold Day in Hell

Sunday, September 02, 2007

There’s Nothing More Pathetic Than an Aging Hipster

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The Jesus Phone

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The purity of essence of our precious category tags

Come home, Craig Ehlo, all is forgiven

To Love Science is to Hate Freedom, and Vice Versa

Friday, June 01, 2007

Comparative legal analysis

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Buckethead, your destiny awaits you

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Me? I’d prefer they just focus on getting out of Chapter 11

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A Fine Place for a Rebel Base

Friday, February 09, 2007

An interesting take on the global warmening debate

Not just a placeholder, this time

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I think this is supposed to be humorous

Ohio State Defeats Michigan 42-39 In Ultimately Meaningless Game

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Your #1 choice for quality novelty chess sets

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Look at me, I’m sooper sekrit

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

There is only one time, and that is too late

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