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Friday, June 08, 2007

Badgers?! We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers

Wisconsin: a manure soaked, cow-infested corner of the world inhabited by crap-beer-sozzled, squishy socialist, Scandinavian refugees.  Given that they have so little to be proud of, why should we ridicule them?  Silly question.  Because we can.

• Badgers?! We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers
• You’re Among Cows
• We put the “sin” in Wisconsin!
• The Carnation Coffee-Mate Non-Dairy Creamer® State
• Not just cow farmers, progressivecow farmers
• My own private Sweden
• Come see the Radiant Progressive Future in Wisconsin!
• Land of funny accents
• Familiarity breeds contempt, which is why we are so self-loathing
• We gave D&D to the world, please don’t hate us
• Eat Cheese or Die
• Cow Pie Paradise
• The State of Mustardly Love
• Wisconsin: Minty Fresh
• Forward - always forward, never straight
• A cheesy motto for a cheesy state
• We had a thin guy who lived here, but he was eaten
• More boviny goodness than you can shake a stick at, plus the stick
• Not so boring if you’re drunk
• The Seasonal Affective Disorder State
• Look, jerky, I don’t need to talk to you!
• Pinko commie, but in a nice Swedish way, not a bloodthirsty Russian way
• I’m a lumberjack, and I’m okay
• Milwaukie’s Best: the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems
• Say “Cheeeese” and I’ll slit your throat, fucko
• Milky Lickers
• We’ll provide the beer, cheese & bratwurst – you bring the air freshener
• Come Cut Our Cheese
• Wisconsin is like its beer: fucking close to water
• Badger Badger Badger Badger
• Western Outer New Jersey
• You’ve got a vaguely Scandinavian friend in Wisconsin
• The Cheesy, Cupric, Milky Badger State
• The best place to see a tractor on the road
• Spicy lamby nipple chops with minty pickle sour sauce!
• Out drinking your state since 1848
• Fargo’s in North Dakota, jackass
• Gateway to Michigan’s Fantabulous Upper Peninsula
• Stay Just a Little Bit Longer!  Does that sound needy?  Be honest.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Waiting is painful

By now, even headhunters in the highlands of New Guinea are aware that the Jesus Phone from Apple will be released on the 29th of this month.  But I will have to wait a little longer to get my hands on my own personal iPhone.  My current two year contract does not expire until July 17th, and I must wait until it does before starting a new one.  Damn, damn, damn.  Mrs. Buckethead is highly dubious of my intentions to get a new phone, especially since it costs half a grand.  I have a perfectly good Motorola Razr, she says, and she’s right.  But the Razr doesn’t have that touchscreen magic.  It doesn’t have the preternaturally slick interface that can only come from Apple.  It doesn’t have WiFi.  I want an iPhone so bad I can taste it. 

I forgot to remember to forget

So check this out: a young Chinese government censor let a memorial to the victims of theTiananmen Square massacre slip past her into the paper she censors, because having grown up with censored news, she’d never heard of it.

Haw!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Yes, this logo blows

On the subject of the 2012 olympic logo and its relative quality, I am told by the whole internets that the prevailing opinion is “it looks like Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob.”

Why yes… yes it does.

London must stand firm. They MUST NOT bow to pressure to abandon this hilarious and utterly appropriate logo! If this logo goes, the terrorists win.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Alex, I’ll take “About damned time” for $500

Via CNN:  Congressman indicted in global corruption case

Story Highlights

• William Jefferson faces 16 charges of bribery, obstruction, racketeering
• Louisiana Democrat’s schemes reached across Atlantic, prosecutors say
• Investigators found $90,000 in Jefferson’s home freezer
• Search of Capitol Hill office prompted constitutional questions

I hope that the long time between the refrigerator raid and the indictment helped the Feds guarantee this smug, smarmy, thieving fuck does hard time for the rest of his life.

Indian Rope Trick?

It seems that Liftport, the space elevator company, is running into some serious trouble - which bodes ill for both efforts to build a beanstalk, and for friend of the Ministry Brian.  Here’s hoping that they get it together.  I want to ride a train to space.

America’s Dip Cup

West Virginia is second only to New Jersey in the abuse leveled at it from the decent states.  And just like not everyone can be thick-headed, rude Mafioso-wannabes living in a pestilential, polluted industrial nightmare; not everyone can be inbred, uncultured rednecks living in abject poverty amidst the wreckage of a once beautiful landscape.  There is, thank heaven, only one West Virginia.

• America’s Dip Cup
• The Robert E. Byrd Memorial State
• The Mountainish State
• It seemed like a good idea at the time
• Got Teeth?
• My other car is West Virginia
• The State of Brotherly, and Sisterly, Love
• Almost Poland
• Not Just Strip Mines and Rednecks Any More.  Well, Okay, Still Just Strip Mines And Rednecks.
• Because somebody has to make Virginia look good
• The Manhandle State
• Oh, honestly, people. We have a world-class orchestra. We have a university.
• Where Senator Robert E. Byrd Sends Your Federal Tax Money
• Come see our new paved roads!  You paid for them!
• Now with electicity
• Where girls and grizzly bears both lick their paws
• We Figured There Was Enuff “Norths” and “News”
• Fighting Never Proved Anything, Except Who’s Better
• Where “family values” has a slightly different meaning
• One Big Happy Family
• Why’d we have to throw out the good part of the state?
• That’s “Appalachian-American” to you, fucko
• We… hey, Joe-Bob, pass me the chewin’ tobakky, willya?
• New Jersey is down on its knees before Almighty God giving thanks that we are in the union
• Deliverance was filmed in South Carolina; Indeed, Our Rate of Murderous Inbred Banjoists Is Well Below That of Massachusetts
• Where cars up on blocks outnumber cars that run 3-1
• West Virginia: Better When You’re Drunk
• The non-wealthy, non-slave-ownin’, white trash Virginia
• Hateful, Talentless, War-Lovin’ Trailer Trash
• Yes, you can live in a trailer on a 45 degree slope.  Why?
• Duct tape is the new chrome
• It’s All Relative in West Virginia
• New Jersey is the West Virginia of the North
• Hey, we’re an oppressed minority, too
• West Virginia is the Best Virginia
• Readin’, ‘Ritin’, and Route 77 to Cleveland
• West Virginia is Bigger than France
• West Virginia Bathes More than France
• Ain’t No Lovin’ Like West Virginia Lovin’
• The Hillbilly Rape State
• Montani semper leperi
• Weird, Woebegone, West Virginia
• Semper Redneckius
• Almost Heaven, for very generous values of “almost”
• We know God hates us, ‘cause coal is so much cheaper than oil
• Just think if we was rich like them ay-rab shakes.  Damitalltohell.
• The fightenest, drinkenest state in the Union
• The Moonshine State
• You ain’t a revenoor, is ya?
• The Commonwealth of Byrd
• Byrdania
• The People’s Republic of Kleegle-Byrd
• Byrdmark
• Byrdland
• Byrdatopia
• Byrdania
• Die Grosser Byrdreich

London unveils Olympic logo

Presenting the branding icon for the 2012 games, which will encompass all marketing, communication, structures, uniforms, and all other aspects concerning the look and feel of this most significant international competition. 

2012: Jagged Bits of Broken Crockery

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Washingtonienne Files for Bankruptcy

I love a good sex scandal, probably way more than the next person.

I had to hear about Jessica Cutler from an Assistant Attorney General outside of the United States. Sex blogging is more his thing than mine (Reading them, not writing them) and he’s the kind of naughty boy who’d get sucked into this sort of tale. (No pun intended.) We love public drama overspill like this. We’re terrible people, which is what makes us so fun.

Anyhow, apparently she’s filed for bankruptcy because she struggling to pay her bills due to a $20 million dollar lawsuit from her former paramour. He’s a complete idiot for having sex with her in the first place because she’s really kind of ugly. I’ve seen pugs with cuter faces, but who am I to compare since she’s looks like a B or a C-cup in her Playboy shoot and last I checked I’m still wearing a tightly packed A. (And that’s only when I’m retaining water like a dyke in the Netherlands.)

She was dumb to use their initials anyway. I give them names like ‘The Chemist’, ‘Valentine’, ‘Italian Wonder Boy’. It keeps people guessing and makes men paranoid that I’m writing about them. Of course, some I don’t make up, like ‘Wolf’. (Of course he bites!)

Hat tip to Udandi Andi!

The purity of essence of our precious category tags

Patton has accused me of being overly concerned about wasting a scarce natural resource.  The category tag.  In this, of course, he is completely wrong.  Naturally, I could have argued that over-categorizing a post dilutes the utility of tags.  And I would have been right.  But that wasn’t the point.  I was attacking him on aesthetic grounds, and just to stick a stick in his eye. 

Just to prove that I am not some sort of homo-tree-hugging-enviro-commie, this post, which really is about everything, is tagged with every category we have.  And, when I have a free moment, I’ll add some new categories, and add them to this post.

So there.

Goddamn aesthetes with their standards and their glassware

If you’re not reading The Pour, food and wine writer Eric Asmiov’s blog on wine, spirits, and food for the New York Times, you’re missing one of the country’s leading thinkers about the good things in life, mulling over the finer points of his chosen craft from the bottom of a glass. Great, great stuff.

And, hey. If you’re not “into” wine,” or think beer is always at its best icy cold and mostly tasteless, then… shit. Read a little Asimov and learn something you didn’t know. No pressure. But like that great drunkard So-crates said, the unexamined glass is not worth drinking.

Come home, Craig Ehlo, all is forgiven

Holy shit, the Cleveland Frigging Cavaliers are in the NBA Finals for the first time ever.

Holy frigging shit.

To Love Science is to Hate Freedom, and Vice Versa

With my first kid’s arrival growing ever more imminent, I have like any responsible father been looking forward to the day when my young son (for a son it is) gets his first chemistry set. More even then that, I have been looking forward to the day when the boy successfully blows something up using ingredients found in said chemistry set.

But apparently, that makes me a terrorist. Wired has a spectacular and detailed article about the difficulties facing home science enthusiasts these days - to buy a couple Erlenmeyer flasks is to be flagged as a producer of crystal meth, and to go so far as to purchase sulfur, potassium perchlorate, and powdered aluminum in one go is to presumptively contravene the Federal Hazardous Substances Act.  We are living in strange days if the Feds are raiding private homes and carting off science stuff in the name of national security, but it’s undeniably happening. As a consequence, the chilling effects are making it harder and harder (in this age where the drumbeat goes “America is losing its edge in science!") to do nifty stuff at home that kids can take with them to MIT, CalTech, or, hell, even little Hiram College, the Harvard of the Midwest.

American society in general has taken some great steps forward in ensuring the safety of young children. Many of the laws enacted to protect kids more or less do that job. But for my dollar, just as I oughta be able to smoke a fat doob in the comfort of my own living room and watch Blazing Saddles, and just as I oughta be able to procure Vioxx for myself if that’s what takes care of the chronic pain that keeps me from any kind of rewarding life and I’m fully aware of the risks of heart attack that I am taking on, I oughta be able to spend some time with my kid making stinks, crystals, and small scale bangs in the garage.

Glenn Reynolds has been posting recently about a few books that I’m surely going to keep around the house: the recently published The Dangerous Book for Boys and 211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do, and The American Boy’s Handy Book, originally published in 1888 and featuring all manner of entertainingly dated knowledge like how to make a blowgun, and the rudiments of home taxidermy.

I can’t in good conscience raise children who can’t use a screwdriver, can’t light a fire with two matches, have never made a home volcano, and have never had the oh-shit thrill of packing a D size rocket engine inside a B-rated model rocket and watching that sonofabitch fly high and drift at least a half-mile off course into the housing development three treelines away. It wouldn’t be American.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Come See Why Cobain Committed Suicide

We are in the home stretch now for the interminable Perfidy continuing educational series, “new mottoes for boring states.” To be frank, I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s all over.  What will I post on?  Countries?  Continents?  Well, while I ponder that, you can peruse our suggestions for the sappy state of Washington:

• Come See Why Cobain Committed Suicide
• Not just Evergreen, SuperGreen
• Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly
• Look Good in Flannel
• Don’t screw with us, or we’ll sic the Killer Whales on your ass
• With Gates, all things are possible
• Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Al-ki is not short for “Alcoholic”
• Nirvana, it ain’t
• No, the Capitol has “DC” after its name
• Where Californians go to die
• Home of Frasier
• Come for the Retarded Protesters—Stay for the Over-roasted Coffee!
• The Old Boeing State
• We hate that pretentious Eddie Vedder fuck, too
• We are a state, not the a craphole Federal District
• We are the first, and likely the last, state to be named after a president
• A wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft-Starbucks GmbH.
• Not The Cool Washington, The Other One
• Keep Washington Green, Grow Even More Hemp
• Getting there is all the fun
• Our heroes are Injuns we kilt a hundred years ago
• The New Jersey of the Great Northwest
• We like our state, so STAY THE FUCK OUT!
• Our state tree is the Hemlock for a reason
• All the grim raininess of England, without the history
• Gateway to Alaska
• Experience Washington, no, Experience Washington
• Bigfoot’s gonna git ya
• 54-40 or Fight!
• If it’s not ecologically sound, it’s crap
• Proud home of D.B. Cooper
• SayWAtf
• The People’s Republic of Ecotopia
• Geeks, Freaks, and Treehuggers welcome!
• Grunge wannabes will be interned in our re-education camps

Comparative legal analysis

What do these two suits have in common?

”Couple sue Wal-Mart over slip in vomit“
(AP/Nashville Tennessean)

and

“ACLU: Boeing offshoot helped CIA“
(AP/Houston Chronicle)

Simple:

• They each have a distinct odor associated with them
• They’re both based on slippery circumstances
• They’re both as baseless as the day is long

Only one of them, however, appears to have been categorized by the Associated Press as an “Odd Story”.  So let’s look at that one first:

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