Thursday, December 07, 2006

WTF, over?

Unmitigated Gall

As attentive readers will be aware, I am about to buy a house.  I suppose it was to be expected that nothing would go smoothly, and more to the point it would not go smoothly at the last moment.  I was informed earlier this morning that the down payment was not, as estimated, less than the amount in my bank account.  Instead, as a personal consideration to me, it was more.  Contemplating this turn of events, I felt the familiar stab of anxiety, that little gremlin grabbing my heart and twisting that I have come to associate with the entire home buying experience.  To this feeling was added a small frisson of urgency to give it a little extra punch, since I am closing tomorrow morning. 

If this was happening next week, it wouldn’t be an issue as I get another paycheck Tuesday.  Of course, if it was next week, I’d have to cancel all my moving plans and probably end up with no one to help me move instead of a dozen people helping me move.  Happily, dear old mom was there to chip in at the last moment, and wired enough money to cover our sudden short fall.  Now, I will spend the balance of the afternoon emulating a crack addicted lab monkey, clicking the refresh button and hoping for a little of what I need.

What particularly galls me is, why the hell didn’t the loan people detect this mysterious nearly a grand difference in estimated payments until less than 24 hours before closing? 


Posted by Buckethead on 12/07/06 at 05:40 PM
Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Finally, someone has a plan

Darwin Award ContenderUnmitigated Gall

Not a good plan, to be sure.  But certainly too much time on their hands:

The objective of eScrew.com is to destroy Capitalist system of governance. Many people tried to destroy Capitalist system before but all of them failed. The reason for that is their luck of understanding of Capitalist system. If you can find the heart of Capitalist system, you can find a way to destroy it.

Cheap energy is the heart of Capitalist system. Expansion and conquest is the direct result of cheap energy. If we can destroy cheap energy we can destroy Capitalism. In order to destroy cheap energy we must increase the demand for cheap energy to a point where supply will not be able to deliver the goods. As a result energy will become expensive.  Expensive energy will decrease the stability of Capitalist system and launch a fatal chain of events which eventually will destroy Capitalism.

Read the whole thing here.  I checked out the address, but it only says “Under Construction,” with a note that, “I created new religion but I will not tell you anything about it because it is my secret.”

[Wik] Believe it or not, I happened upon this drivel (entertaining drivel, but still drivel) whilst I was looking for information on gmail.  I shouldn’t have been surprised, seeing as how the two are so intimately connected.


Posted by Buckethead on 12/06/06 at 07:45 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

Crazy ForeignersEntertainment

Behold the glorious Chingrish of actual English Subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.


Posted by Johno on 12/05/06 at 02:44 PM
Crazy Foreigners • Entertainment • Permalink

Der Bleistift-schwanz spricht!

Holy Shit!The Miracle of Science

Using brand new lip-reading software that can decode what someone’s saying from practically the side of their head, they ("they" being a deaf German speech-recognition expert named Frank Heubner) have succeeded in putting sound to some of Hitler’s home movies. That’s right, der wixer himself recorded lots of nice color film of himself, Eva, and assorted friends hanging out at Berchtesgaden. None of this, of couse, was ever meant for public consumption, and none of it was considered relevant to the postwar intelligence/trial efforts. Also, all of it is perfectly silent.

Now the BBC has put together a fairly awesome documentary about Hitler’s private life at Berchtesgaden from these movies, and hired an actor to do voice-over on those portions of the film which Heubner could decode using his own expertise and the software he designed. Check THAT out. The meaty parts of Hitler speaking start at about 24:30.


Posted by Johno on 12/05/06 at 12:50 PM
Holy Shit! • The Miracle of Science • Permalink

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Three words I’m seldom forced to use

Holy Shit!

“Michigan Got Screwed“

One must be careful what one wishes for. 

First, USC loses to UCLA, which seemed impossible, though a friend of mine from Los Angeles tried to get me to bet him on the matter. I’m glad that I declined, in retrospect. 

I never saw that coming, but such is the power of traditional rivalries. 

Then Florida, which I didn’t expect to win the SEC, against Arkansas or anyone else, did so. During the game, Gary Danielson tried to lay out the detailed rationale for Florida being ranked higher than Michigan in the BCS.  I saw it, gave it a good deal of thought, and decided it was all bullshit. Why? Because Florida played the game sloppily and incompetently, and really should have lost it. That, plus I’ve gotten tired of listening to SEC apologists talking about just how gosh-darned tough that conference is. Style points, my ass.

My opinion (on Danielson’s opinion, that is) hasn’t changed - as much as I’d yawn at a rematch of Ohio State and Michigan in the BCS Championship game, I haven’t seen anything in the past two weeks that convinces me Michigan’s any worse than the second best team in all of college football.  They’d kill Florida in a head-to-head matchup, I’m certain.  As a result, it’s no logical stretch to think the national title game is going to be a laugher, with OSU sure to be favored by at least two touchdowns.

I’m ambivalent about that, not because I like close games - I don’t particularly care how close the final score ends up being.  But if a hue and cry begins, on January 9, 2007, for a national playoff system to determine the best football team in NCAA Division I, I’ll understand completely.  And, for what it’s worth, I hope Michigan makes mince-meat of USC, ending up the season rated just where they should be: a solid #2.

And, no, that’s not a poo joke.

[Wik] Although, honestly, it could be.


Posted by Patton on 12/03/06 at 11:38 PM
Holy Shit! • Permalink

The Land of California, My Sweet Home Chicago

Entertainment

Electric blues in this day and age is, I think we can all agree, about ritual rather than absolute novelty. A good night in a blues bar in Chicago or for that matter in Kiev is about going to the familiar source, reconnecting with the trinity of I-IV-V, with the familiar language of the twelve bars, the bent note, the repeated phrase, and the sweet release of finding company in blackest misery. The blues structure is as well known, as dear and familiar to its devotees, as the Mass is to lifelong Catholics. Sure, okay, all the songs sound alike - it’s the ritual that counts.

But what ritual! The rhythms don’t always change much and the melodies don’t either, but that’s not the point. The point is the astonishing amount of energy, of feeling, of meaning a good player can put into one little moan, one note, one line that skids right across the song without regard for the form or the changes, that makes you want to stand up and holler right along. That’s where the originality comes in - a good blues player can find something new for you in material you know by heart. A good band on a good night can do practically anything and leave you wrung out, serene, and (for a little while anyway) all right with the world.

So, sure yeah all right, to nonbelievers the blues sounds like the same basic thing over and over again. Bu then again, so is sex, and I don’t see many folks getting tired of that. And like sex, (wait, John… so you contend the blues is like sex? How novel!), it’s all about the moment. That band, on that night, in that room, is going to put on a show and try to make some magic happen.

Case in point: Delmark has just released Live at Theresa’s 1975 by the great Junior Wells, a legendary blues harpist and certified magician, that shows why he was considered one of the Chicago’s all-time finest. Wells was a prototypical harp player (that’s “harmonica") in the Chicago mold, blowing riffs and phrases through a warm and fuzzy microphone that muddies up the sound and buffs the sharp edges off the harmonica’s shrill sound. When he was on, his playing was incredibly thrilling, one of the definitive sounds of the Chicago style.

Wells was a regular at Theresa’s Tavern, a now-defunct venue on Chicago’s South Side, and Theresa’s doesn’t have the swing-for-the-fences atmosphere of a big festival show. According to the archives of the Chicago Reader, Wells and his band played Theresa’s at least fifteen times in June of that year, so it’s safe to say that Wells felt at home in the venue. So rather than being a big-budget spectacle, Live at Theresa’s, which was originally recorded for broadcast on Chicago’s WXRT, captures Wells and his band in a relaxed mood, hanging out for a late night of blues and casual profanity and whipping off a gem-studded set designed solely to entertain the good people of the greater Chicago metropolitan area.


Posted by Johno on 12/03/06 at 09:19 PM
Entertainment • Permalink

An invitation

Darwin Award ContenderUnmitigated Gall

What is this?? Three football-related posts in a row? Johno must dig sports or something.

Today during the noon hour, my local CBS affiliate went on the air with the CBS football pregame extravaganza show. I was thrilled - nay, elated - to find that the first matchup of the day was Kansas City at Cleveland.

Cleveland! My beloved Browns on national television!

I never get to see a Browns game. I’m a cheap man and refuse to shell out for NFL cable packages. I’m also a lazy man, and no matter how much I’d like to, I really don’t want to trek twenty-five miles into Jamaica Plain, Boston, to the “local” Sunday Browns club at some jackass bar. So when the meatheads on CBS started talking about the Browns-Chiefs [edited for clarity] matchup, I immediately cleared my calendar for the next three hours and sat down to watch what for me is at best a biennial event.

Come game time, the NFL pregame show went off the air, and was replaced by two solid hours of children’s programming followed up by an hour of infomercials as the Browns beat the Chiefs 31-28 in an overtime nailbiter.

FUCK! Oh, come now. Is it really true, really true, that more people in the Boston area are going to turn the television over to their children at 1:00 on a Sunday, while the Patriots play a game over on FOX, than would appreciate seeing either the Chiefs or the Browns play?

Fucking really?

The Columbia Broadcasting System and the employees of its local Boston affiliate WBZ are hereby cordially invited to suck my ass.

Dickheads.


Posted by Johno on 12/03/06 at 06:16 PM
Darwin Award Contender • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The Cleveland Browns Are A Bad Team

Entertainment

Speaking of Kissing Suzy Kolber, the guy’s got some fantastic fake inner monologues of football stars up there.

Is that Berrian? I think he’s triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I’m throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I’m fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can’t, I bet I’ll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.

What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That’s gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can’t just expect wins to come to you. You can’t massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You’re a pussy. This ain’t John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I’m throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn’t one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I’m gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I’m gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we’re talking about here. We’re talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I’m not just a gunslinger. I’m a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I’ll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I’m gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it’s worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That’s how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you’re not turned on right now. I am.


Posted by Johno on 12/02/06 at 10:16 PM
Entertainment • Permalink

Friday, December 01, 2006

The Crucible of Your Adult Nightmares

Lead Pipe Cruelty

Thanks to the oddly named weblog kissing suzy kolber, I find the linked video, probably the insanest, crazymost sports highlight clip I will ever see if I live to be eleventy-hundred. Watch the video all the way through, and then try not to think about the number of lives that peaked that night, before any of them turned 19.

Thanks also to unfogged for the pointer. 


Posted by Johno on 12/01/06 at 05:00 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink
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