The Ministry of Minor Perfidy

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cute as the dickens; cuddly too

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IDDQD enabled, BFG 9000 at the ready

The Cliche that walks like a man

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He's technical. He's liberal. He's a technoliberal!

Minister Emeritus

Windy City Mike
social democrat, ca. 1930 trade-unionist, and professor of alleged history

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Friday, September 29, 2006

Important Ministry Announcement

Throughout history, the hunt has traditionally been central to high culture. Hunting rights were reserved to the aristocracy, and poachers were punished viciously for the least infraction. Hunting was, among other things, a proxy for war training, a test of manhood, and a means of ridding the world of dangerous predators. In modern times, as our feeble replacement for warrior nobility has moved on to other pursuits â€“ literary criticism, cultivating effete mannerisms, the collection of third world handicrafts, posturing â€œinterestâ€ in obscure causes â€“ the hunt has declined in importance. Nowadays, hunting is largely the preserve of the descendents of those who were once hanged for snatching the Kingâ€™s deer. The hunt has now become hunting. A blue collar pursuit, dÃ©classÃ©, and if noticed at all by the guardians of modern culture, regarded with little short of revulsion and nausea.

That this is emblematic of our decline as a civilization is clear. It is also clear that something must be done. In considering this matter, the ministers felt that in reviving the Hunt, we must attempt to recapture the best aspects of the Hunt of old. It must be a test of courage, man vs. the most dangerous of beasts. It must have an element of public service â€“ we must, in killing, provide life and safety for the little people who are hungry and, indeed, at risk from the hunger of the wild. The Hunt must refine those skills most useful in war, so that we, and those who participate, will be better prepared for the coming apocalypse. Finally, it must offer up to heaven a sacrifice of blood, cruelty, torment and incense.

In pursuit of these aims, therefore, The Ministry of Minor Perfidy is now accepting reservations for the first annual Ministry Manatee Hunt and Barbecue.

More Perfidious Goodness...

The Manatee is renowned throughout the world for its cunning, viciousness and utter lethality. It is a known, historical fact that the first two Spanish expeditions to Florida were consumed to the last by the angry, territorial Manatee. Early settlers introduced the Alligator in the hopes of limiting, at least somewhat, the depredations of packs of hunting Manatees that once plagued that region. For several centuries, Spanish settlers lived in fear of the man-eating Manatee, slowly learning from the local aborigines (colloquially known as â€œIndiansâ€) methods of avoiding the vacas del agua del asesino del pavor.

Manatees teach their young to hunt

It wasnâ€™t until General Andrew Jackson was sent to the newly acquired Florida territory to deal with the Manatee menace (and, incidentally, put down the Seminole rebellion) that people could leave their homes in safety, and live without fear of continual harassment and death at the teeth and claws of hunting packs of Manatees. Jackson organized the largest Manatee Hunt in history: using 800 Federal troops and over a thousand Georgia Militia, along with locally conscripted â€œvolunteersâ€ he started in central Florida and swept outwards in a giant spiral, driving the Manatee before them. Great was the slaughter of Manatee on that day.

Since then, the Manatee have survived, much reduced in number and wary of man. Only occasionally do they stir from their watery lairs to snatch a small child or a careless senior citizen. Most of these attacks are ascribed to alligators, which no doubt strikes a dark chord of humor in the Manatee.

We will not be orchestrating a Hunt on the scale of General Jackson. There are simply not enough Manatees to make it feasible, and in addition, a close reading of Floridaâ€™s trespassing statutes suggests that it could expose the Ministry to significant legal risk. Instead, we envision a smaller, more convivial hunting party of 8-20 participants, and the Hunt will take place on private land, free from the interference of do-gooding environmentalists and nosey park rangers. The only remaining details to be hammered out are tactical.

There are several schools of thought on the best means to hunt the savage Manatee.

The Manatee, as is well known, fools its prey by taking on the appearance of a placid, slow moving blubbery creature. When the victim, convinced of the harmlessness of the Manatee, looks away, then it charges, lunging out of the water in a horrific display of razor sharp claws and bone-crushing teeth.

The full grown Manatee has several modes of attack at its disposal.

The smooth, rubbery skin of the Manatee conceals muscles of surprising strength. The Manatee can literally leap from the water, landing on its target and crushing it instantly with its bulk.
The Manateeâ€™s jaws have a bite strength of almost a thousand pounds per square inch, stronger than the Mako shark. Its jaws can sever an arm or leg almost instaneously, or pop a human skull like a watermelon at a Gallagher show.
Concealed in the seemingly limp front flippers, the Manatee hides fourteen razor-sharp, five inch claws. These talons can eviscerate a man in a fraction of second.
It is a little known fact that the Manatee, like the dolphin, can emit a high-pitched screetch that is capable of stunning, for a brief time, creatures up to man size. This attack works best in the water, as the air is a much less efficient medium for sound.

Since the Great Hunt almost two centuries ago, the Manatee has learned to be a solitary hunter, relying more on stealth and cunning than the cooperative hunting pack tactics of its glory days. The Manatee is now a solitary creature, reclusive and secretive, except when they put on displays to fool the weak minded.

Vicious Manatee
The Manatee Prepares to Strike

With this in mind, we can determine the best means of attack. The traditional means, sanctified by time and papal decree, is to sneak up on the Manatee and kill him with a blow to the head with a blunt object, such as a tire iron. The Ministry reveres tradition of course, but this method appears to be a trifle inelegant. We will leave it on the table for discussion, however.

The second method is also time-tested, though of more recent provenance. This involves attacking the Manatee as it surfaces with a large power boat. The real skill involves hitting the Manatee with multiple passes, to create the figure-eight pattern that proves it was an intentional kill, and not the result of driving a boat while drunk. The Ministry does not approve of this method, as it is not sporting, manly, or fair.

The final method under discussion is the use of firearms. The Ministry has secured the use of number of a Browning M2 .50 Machine Gun, and proposes this as the means of choice for our Hunt. Given the relative ferocity of the Manatee, we feel that this weapon offers the best balance between risk and carnage for both the hunter and the Manatee. (Each hunter will be permitted a native bearer/loader.) After all, we do want to give the Manatee a fighting chance.

There will be a preparatory meeting a week before the expedition, when Ministry representatives and the participants can hash out the final details. Native bearer/loaders will also be assigned at this time, along with code names and individual itineraries. If you wish to travel to the hunt site with more than one other person, special dispensation must be obtained, as we do not wish to make local law enforcement officials at all suspicious.

Too Goddamn Much Perfidy...

Posted by Buckethead on 09/29/06 at 03:58 PM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Perfidy • Permalink

Um, Ick.

I’m sure that people who invent new kinds of robots all have perfectly well-adjusted social lives, play some ball on the weekends, take the kids to the movies, get together with friends and cook up a big batch of corn smut chili. I’m sure that’s the case.

I’ve heard of robots that learn, robots that walk, robots that build cars, Real Dolls, robots that turn into cars, robots that act as companions to lonely people, and even teledildonics. All very exciting developments in the world of technology, except for that one of those things is incurably foul.

And I’m sure that the minds that came up with the innovation of making robots with soft, human-like skin are perfectly together people with sane minds and clean habits who have never even heard of that one incurably foul thing and thought that it needed to be a robot.

I’m just saying. I don’t know what’s creepier; a killer robot that mimics a person, or the weird shit that lonely people in their basements are thinking right now.

I think I need to go take a walk. And a shower. And a brain enema.

Posted by Johno on 09/29/06 at 11:53 AM
Lead Pipe Cruelty • Permalink

Friday Funtime Quizzery

Wait...not prone to seething rants and anger...? Well, I’m skeptical then of this quiz’ accuracy. But since the code didn’t need to be unfucked, I’m going with it.

I am the sonnet, never quickly thrilled;
Not prone to overstated gushing praise
Nor yet to seething rants and anger, filled
With overstretched opinions to rephrase;
But on the other hand, not fond of fools,
And thus, not fond of people, on the whole;
And holding to the sound and useful rules,
Not those that seek unjustified control.
I’m balanced, measured, sensible (at least,
I think I am, and usually I’m right);
And when more ostentatious types have ceased,
I’m still around, and doing, still, alright.
In short, I’m calm and rational and stable -
Or, well, I am, as much as I am able.

What Poetry Form Are You?

Posted by GeekLethal on 09/29/06 at 10:29 AM
Just So You Know • Permalink

The Critic

From Thursday’s Washington Post:

THE NEW SEASON TV Preview
Look Homely, Angel
ABC’s ‘Ugly Betty’ Is Plainly Lovable

By Tom Shales
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, September 28, 2006; Page C01

“Ugly Betty” isn’t just entertainment, it’s therapy. Nirvana therapy. It’s happiness in a tube, or rather The Tube. It’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with no fat or calories. It’s tuning in to “The View” to discover they all have laryngitis. It’s Florida without those disgusting bugs.
...

Mmmmkay… When I walked into the house Thursday evening, Ugly Betty was what the girls were watching. Aside from the fact that it was arguably too adult for my 11 year old to watch ("Too many icky parts!"), it was one of those painful 5 minute periods where I see a show and immediately tune it out as not worth any further attention. A total piece of crap, even before the girls had a chance to vote. Who gets off on watching the lead character be serially treated like crap by a bunch of hoes?

I had no idea, until they ladies stopped watching it, what the they were watching, and hadn’t even heard of this new show, Ugly Betty. I thought, in the short time I saw it, that it was some spiced-up made-for-Disney movie, thus guaranteeing that it would be a one-time event in our house. It just had that look to it. Luckily, even though it was a series, not a movie, the girls were pretty merciless ("needlessly catty!”, “deep, evil plot twist at the end!”, “totally derivative of a bunch of earlier ‘Girl Meets World’ movies!"). It seems we won’t be cursed, in my house, with its ongoing episodes between now and its cancellation.

So there’s that.

But when I looked at what the WaPo section of my Google home page showed, I saw a story about a review of the series, excerpted above. I took a look, assuming that whomever reviewed it would have roughly the same views as those on the softer side of my house. Newp.

Gushing review. “...therapy”, “Nirvana therapy”, “happiness in a tube”, “a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with no fat or calories”.

What the hell? Who could possibly think such a thing? And then I looked at the header over the review:

Well, never mind - that explains everything.

[Wik] Hey, for all I know, he’s otherwise a genius. (That is a “he”, isn’t it?) I’m only casting aspersions on this particular critique.

[AlsÃ¸ wik] Of course I can make such a catty swipe, because I’m perfect. Except for my yoooge head. He’s apparently got more hair than I, but he also has more chins.

[AlsÃ¸ alsÃ¸ wik] As la mia figlia would say “Woof!”

Posted by Patton on 09/29/06 at 01:26 AM
Entertainment • Permalink