Thursday, May 04, 2006

Actual Facts

Unmitigated Gall

One per every three deaths of household fish is caused by over-feeding.  The other two are suicide.


Posted by Buckethead on 05/04/06 at 04:40 PM
Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Because we like fat lips

Perfidy RespondsUnmitigated Gall

Loyal reader #0017 Ken, the infamous Oldsmoblogger, has come up with an idea that may actually force the Ministry to lift its gaze from its jewel-like navel, and actually embrace the world outside.  Minister Johno recently commented on the formation of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists.  This tongue in cheek effort generated a twitch of the lips and a muted snigger from the Ministry, but did not capture our soul, put a song in our hearts and leave us yearning to sign up for the duration.

Ken, genius Ohioan (like all Ohioans save Governor Taft) took the idea of the keybees and shook off the dross.  He took the nugget that remained, polished it on his shirtsleeve, and gave it a new paintjob.  The result, we must admit, is awe-inspiring:

image

The Regiment Hewlett und Packard, of the Kaiserliche und Koenigliche Reichsarmeevirtual.

Ken has said that we can’t purchase our commissions in the regiment like in the good old days.  Which, given the nature of the project, seems rather odd.  Nevertheless, the Ministry of Minor Perfidy would like to be the first to volunteer.  Long live the Empire and the Dual Monarchy!  Death to the filthy Ottomans!  Consternation to ethnic nationalists and there anarchist fellow-travelers!  A finger in the eye to all who would frustrate our plans to conquer the world through our cunning scheme of well chosen marriages and ineffectual military operations!

We can dedicate the Ministry Catastratorium and Bunkhouse to the effort.  It will be the nerve center and kaffeeklatsch for the revolution.  And, of course, a place of retreat when our armies are inevitably defeated.


Posted by Buckethead on 05/04/06 at 03:39 PM
Perfidy Responds • Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

The Quality of Mercy is Not Strained

Perfidy Responds

No, it falleth as a gentle rain from twelve honest men and women. Or something like that. I haven’t read The Merchant of Venice in, well, ever.

I’m sure that everyone has heard by now that Zacarias Moussaoui will not be put to death by the state for his alleged role in 9/11/2001. Now, you didn’t ask for my opinion, you don’t care about my opinion, but you’ve read this far so why not further? I think this was a good decision. To begin with, I’m not a big fan of the death penalty in most circumstances. It often reeks too much of vengeance, and justice and vengeance are mutually exclusive concepts. But moreover, Moussaoui asked for the chair, arguing that he wants to be a martyr, and also arguing, in essence, “f*ck you, America.” (Is that an argument?) So what better than to extend him mercy?

I’m not much of a Christian, but I still organize my life around the ethical priniciples of Jesus, y’know, the red words in the old familiy bible. They’re the best thing going, bar none. And mercy is one of the fundamental precepts of that ethical system. (Leaving aside the moral dimension, of course. I’m not qualified to talk about that.) Turn the other cheek. Exercise forbearance. Restrain from vengeance, no matter how incredibly good it might feel, because down that road is barbarity, chaos, and anarchy. Mercy is one of the precepts that has smoothed Western civilization’s road to greatness over the years (though it sure can be discarded at the drop of a hat, I tell you what, whenever it’s time to kill a few of the guys in the neighboring city).

But a funny thing about Christian mercy is that it can also amount to a big old “f*ck you.” Killing Zacarias Moussaoui wouldn’t make much difference in the larger scheme of things; some people would feel vindicated, others downright happy. And though it’s probable that were he put to death, the glorious shining martyrdom he seeks would actually work out, and we’d have to see his ugly mug again and again and again on posters, banners, and painted bedsheets every time Hizbollah staged a damn rally, it’s far more likely that the Legend of Zac would die with him.

But in not putting him to death, in choosing not to martyr him, we have taken the opportunity to reaffirm the core values of our society, to exercise patience and forbearance against crimes which are done and cannot be undone, to avail ourselves of the better angels of our nature, to reaffirm the fundamental difference between us and him, and best of all, to say to Zacarias Moussaoui, “Fuck you. We grant you our mercy.”


Posted by Johno on 05/04/06 at 10:32 AM
Perfidy Responds • Permalink

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Prague Autumn

Crazy ForeignersPerfidy Responds

Later this year, I will be travelling on official Ministry business to Prague, jewel of Bohemia and former site of one of the Ministry’s finest and most active field offices. Unfortunately, that office was closed rather bloodily by SS-Obergruppenführer Reinhard Heydrich in 1942, not long before his untimely but incredibly welcome assassination, and its wealth of occult and scientific knowledge was lost. Alas, the Iron Curtain fell before we could get another office satisfactorily established, and so our presence in Czechoslovakia and now the Czech Republic has been for six decades informal, ad hoc, and highly erratic.

(One rather tragic outcome of der Wixer’s sacking of our office was that the Ministry lost track of the Golem of Prague. Although we of course had nothing whatsoever to do with the creation of the Golem, nor with contributing to nor puncturing the enormous corpus of legends, wives’s tales, bedtime stories, parables, and plain out tall-tales that have accreted over the centuries since Rabbi Judah Loew first created his monster, through a remarkable twist of fate we were among several parties entrusted in the mid-eighteenth century with the knowledge of the Golem’s long-term resting place within the Old-New Synagogue. But the ravages of the Great War and then the coming of Heydrich led to the loss of that knowledge and many, many more secrets of great and terrible importance.)

Although we at the Ministry have long since given up our ongoing search for clues as to the current resting place of the Guardian of Prague, feeling it is a secret much better left to others, there is much business for us in Bohemia, matters that have gone unseen-to in the more than sixty years since Hitler’s filthy butcher came to town. The city has awakened by degrees from the stultifying effects of decades of totalitarian rule, and is once again the scrappy, proud, and vibrant seat of independent Czech identity. Its hard times are not entirely behind it, but good times are ahead.

This brings me to my point. If any of the Ministry’s readers have been to Prague in the recent past, do kindly let me know if there’s anything I should, uh, know, before I go. There’s nothing like greasy food, dumplings, smog, puppet shows, smoky bars, spectacular lager, and long, long walks to set my soul to rights, but since my talent for Slavic languages is limited and my knowledge of the terrain very small, any experiences you might care to relate would be greatly appreciated.

End transmission.


Posted by Johno on 05/03/06 at 09:55 PM
Crazy Foreigners • Perfidy Responds • Permalink

Dispatch from the Ministry of Hops (vol. 7)

Entertainment

Summer’s coming, and with it, a desire for lighter and fizzier beers that both taste great and are less… filling. I haven’t made a light beer since the fall, having stashed away enough stout (sort of stout, anyway...), porter, and Belgian strong ale to last me through the cold months. But with the warmer weather it’s time now for lawnmowers, short pants, and deck chairs, and with them, brews like…

Atlantic Pale Ale

Ingredients:
5 lbs Munton & Fison Pale Dry Malt Extract
1/2 lb Crystal malt, 40L
4 oz Crystal malt, 20L
2 oz Crystal malt, 60L
1 1/4 oz Northern Brewer hops, 7.6% AAU
1 oz Cascade hops, 6% AAU
1 oz East Kent Goldings hops, 6% AAU
White Labs #0001, California Ale Yeast (liquid)

Steeped crystal malts in muslin bag in 1 gallon water at 155-170 degrees for 45 minutes as I brought 2.3 gallons water to a boil in my main brew kettle. Added steeping water to brew kettle and swirled muslin bag in water to get all the delicious, delicious malt flavor out.

Brought wort to a boil; added 1 1/4 ounces Northern Brewer hops and started the brew clock. At 40 minutes, added 1/4 ounce each Cascade and EKG hops for flavor. At 55 minutes, added 3/4 oz each Cascade and EKG hops for plenty of aroma.

Cooled brew kettle in bathtub with cold water and 25 lbs ice and a few freezer packs just for the fuck of it. We got down from 212 to 110 degrees in about half an hour. Added wort to fermenting bucket and added 2 1/2 gallons chilled boiled water to make up about 5.2 gallons total. Pitched yeast at 76 degrees and stashed in the closet where the hot water pipes run.  Let’s see how this goes…

OG: 1.049

I’m going for a pretty standard American Pale Ale, on the golden side of the color spectrum and with a good balance of light malt sweetness and a forward but not overpowering bitterness. Cascade hops have that characteristic citrusy/floral scent that we all know and love from Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, and East Kent Goldings have a grapefruity, fruity, spicy flavor that melds well with them. One’s the defining hop of American brewing, one’s the defining hop of some of the greatest beers the Empire ever produced, so, Atlantic Pale Ale.

[Wik] Fermentation began in about 12 hours and the 24 hour mark is going nuts. Nuts!! Moved it out of the closet to a cooler area once fermentation began - I don’t want to make the yeast overexcited so that they produce funny tastes. It’s fermenting at about 74 degrees, which is a little (lot) high. Ehh. It’ll be fine.

[Alsø wik] At bottling it was… fine. In fact better than fine. Totally delicious. Fantastic. Unbelievable. Ambrosial. So that’s nice. Um… ahem. Primed with 4 oz corn sugar at bottling. Made a short recipe - only about 4.75 gallons at the most for some reason. Hm. Better make more!!


Posted by Johno on 05/03/06 at 08:39 PM
Entertainment • Permalink

Actual Facts

Unmitigated Gall

Four out of ten municipal bus drivers in Pittsburgh are convicted felons.  Of these, two are on parole.


Posted by Buckethead on 05/03/06 at 06:30 PM
Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

EDog multimedia assault on soceity

Perfidy

Ministry Crony EDog is a busy man.  He writes.  He works.  He has kids, and a Mrs. EDog.  Inexplicably, he has decided that his true mission in life is to provide the world with lego webcomics.  Well, maybe not his true mission.  His true mission is to develop a team of superheroes and fight evil thoughout the world.  This webcomic thing is just sort of to keep a finger in the whole superhero thing, until he gets his team together.

Behold. 

[Wik] He also started a new short story, which you can read over at his bloggy thingy.  Will he ever stop?  Check it out.


Posted by Buckethead on 05/03/06 at 06:24 PM
Perfidy • Permalink

Three words

Crazy ForeignersWar

In a desperate but ultimately vain attempt to catch up on blog reading, I have been dipping into the Ministry Legion of Merit and speedreading all the fine material that has accumulated over the weeks of my neglect.  One thing that jumped out at me was this post over at Texas Best Grok.  John got hooked into a fascinating little speculative piece by Dan Simmons, the entirety of which can be found right here.  Simmons has always been (well, since I started reading his stuff over a decade ago) one of my favorite writers.  His science fiction is all sciency, his thrillers thrill, and his horror is creepy as all get out.  The ease with which he slides from genre to genre is sickening to anyone who aspires to writing, and he is a storyteller with few peers.  This little bit puts a creepy but all to plausible spin on something that has bothered me for nearly five years.  Read it.

[Wik] And also, congratulations to Mr. Lanius on his 200,000th visitor.  Soon, he might be major perfidy.


Posted by Buckethead on 05/03/06 at 06:10 PM
Crazy Foreigners • War • Permalink

Monday, May 01, 2006

Actual Facts

Unmitigated Gall

All domestic dogs are descended from 9 wolves domesticated in Mongolia around 9,000 B.C.  Curiously, they were all named, “Spot.”


Posted by Buckethead on 05/01/06 at 05:44 PM
Unmitigated Gall • Permalink

Whores, actors, and dittoheads

Perfidy Attacks

Once upon a time, actors and performers were considered no better than prostitutes.  No sane or respectable person would ever imagined putting a prostitute behind a microphone to hold forth on matters of public policy, and the idea of listening to an actor do the same would have been only slightly less ridiculous.  As in many other instances, we have ignored the wisdom of the past.

No particular outrage sparked this rumination, though I am sure if I looked, sometime in the last day or so, some celebrity has said something tragically ignorant or wrong-headed or offensive.  If it’s Alec Baldwin, he usually gets a trifecta and covers all three.  (Googling… Googling… hey, today its Madonna.) You may be thinking, hey, Buckethead, you just don’t like it ‘cause they’re all liberals and shit.  Well, that plays a role, to be sure.  Ignorant liberal ranting is in fact more annoying to me than ignorant conservative ranting.  I hate celebrities holding forth on policy issues for precisely the same reason I hate call in talk shows.  Ignorance.

If I am going to waste my time listening to someone else’s opinion, I should like that opinion to be the finely honed product of a mind that has spent years, preferably decades, thinking deeply on the problem.  That opinion should be a balance of hard-earned knowledge, relevant experience, nice judgment with a leavening of insight and authentic genius.  That is very nearly the exact opposite of what I get listening to Tim Robbins, or some random jackhole who wants to hear his voice on the talkybox and can’t be bothered to turn it off when he goes on air.

Everyone has the right to an opinion, and the right to say it.  But not everyone’s opinion is worth listening to.  Including mine.  However, I don’t have Angelina Jolie’s lips, chest or hips, so people aren’t exactly breaking down my door for interviews.  Despite the fact that those (exquisitely formed) body parts and an ability to make faces at the camera are her sole qualifications for media access to talk about whatever flits through her empty head.


Posted by Buckethead on 05/01/06 at 05:42 PM
Perfidy Attacks • Permalink
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