Friday, April 01, 2005

Sick Humor. No, Actually “Sick.” But “Sick” Too, Part II

Unmitigated Gall

As the United States plumbs its collective auras and penumbras in search of the magic point where tactful yet topical humor intersects with a disgusting fascination for the filthy, someone has gone and cut right to the chase.

The craziest part? There’s comments on that blog. Discussions. What the hell is wrong with people?

(I actually just had my auras plumbed last week by the way, and let me tell you! I’m walking taller, sleeping through the night, and - wouldn’t you know it - my pants fit better! Make sure to have them warm the plumbing thingy first, is my advice.)


Posted by Johno on 04/01/05 at 02:37 PM
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Just What the Doctor Ordered

Music Wonkery

In a move likely to crush the grandest aspirations of PETA agents, vegan crystal-grippers, gun-banners, and hippies of every age and stripe, Ted Nugent is about to get $100,000 richer.  That kinda scratch buys alot of arrows.

The long-time purveyor of red-meat rock-n-roll has had his day in court.  In what I hope is not an April Fool’s joke, A MI jury (and, I like to believe, Double Live Gonzo fans) found for the Nuge in a suit brought against promoters who, in essence, fired him for making racist remarks. 

As the trial room emptied following the decision, Mr. Nugent was overheard to say, “Yank me, crank me” to the defendants.*

*Ted Nugent was not overheard to say, “Yank me, crank me” to the defendants.


Posted by GeekLethal on 04/01/05 at 01:40 PM
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QuislingWatch

Perfidy Attacks

These flying robots are great! What? More missiles? Fan-tastic!

[This message brought to you by the Ministry of Minor Perfidy Special Subcommittee on Traitors to Humanity]


Posted by Johno on 04/01/05 at 01:38 PM
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Dubious Hono(u)r

That Buck Rogers Stuff

NASA is going to start training astronauts in Labrador in preparation for a return to the moon. It seems that Labrador contains a lot of the common moon rock (and uncommon Earth rock) anorthosite. And nothing else.

My father in law was stationed in Labrador during Vietnam, an assignment which though blessedly short on black-pajamaed guerrillas bent on killing him, was also blessedly short on warm weather, sunlight, entertainment, or distractions of any kind. As he says: “In Labrador, there’s a good looking woman behind every tree.... Trouble is, there ain’t no trees in Labrador.”


Posted by Johno on 04/01/05 at 11:20 AM
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I wonder if they had to Mirandize the placenta?

Just So You Know

On her way to the hospital to have a baby, Debbie Coleman of Kettering, Ohio had to stop at a filling station to, um, deliver the child. She then sped toward the hospital to recieve whatever care she could at that late hour.

The Dayton police received a call about the incident and somehow concluded that “squirting forth her issue upon this earth” meant “she stole a van.” Later, a driver called 911 to report a woman trying to throw a baby out a van window. The Dayton police, seeing “commendation” and “this gonna be on COPS” written all over the incident, made sure to have their guns drawn when they pulled Coleman over.

Then everyone had a laugh over the misunderstanding and the cops went back to their cars and escorted her to the hospital while the credits rolled and the theme played. You can’t make this shit up. Ohio: I love you.

Hat tip to Edog, who also notes the sad passing of comedian/junkie Mitch Hedberg.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said “I hear music.” As if there’s any other way to take it in.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice.”

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.


Posted by Johno on 04/01/05 at 11:01 AM
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Deathwatch

Perfidy Responds

I’m not talking about Terri Schiavo, nor am I talking about the Pope (who, being Polish and therefore tougher than leather probably has a good twenty years left in him no matter how grim things seem now). I’m talking about the passing of sometime Ministry commentor Patton of Opinion8.net from blogging. Disgusted by the dorky slap-fights generated by the Schiavo affair (about which he posted in typically thoughtful manner), he’s done.

But like Mr. Lileks, I’ve grown weary of it. Always one to check the pulse of his audience and act on it, Ace (also linked to your right) created “The Flame War Thread”. The purely made-up invective slung about on that thread was cathartic enough (though I didn’t participate) to distract me from the sinking feeling that, for some time to come, commentary on the internet is going to be dominated by precisely the form of crap of which Lileks despairs.

I’m with Lileks. Watching otherwise agreeable folks arguing as though they know the answer to an utterly unanswerable question has convinced me that it’s not worth waiting for the invective to quit flowing. A bunch of folks whom I thought could rationally discuss their way to agreement, or at least to a polite consensus on how to avoid unpleasantness, have proven to me that my judgment was flawed. Too many folks, though thankfully still a minority, are taking this “new medium” thing way too seriously, becoming pompous and pronunciatory, and seem actually to believe their own shit.

While Lileks will be back sometime later in April, I won’t, other than as a reader of the excellent sites listed to the right. Mr. Lileks’ piece triggered the realization for me: I just don’t care to add to the chum already in the water. I’ve never had pretense to knowing it all. Damned if that doesn’t put me out of place in the slice of the ‘sphere I’ve been hanging around. Some other day, in some different forum, about different subject matter, perhaps, but no more for me in this one. The internet will soldier on just fine, even absent my sporadic commentary, just as the creators intended.

Many thanks to those of you who’ve been kind enough to read, comment, and link.

I hope he decides at some point in the future to return. He doesn’t write much, but he writes so well. Good luck to ya, you Ohiotexan jerkwad.

With affection,
The Ministry


Posted by Johno on 04/01/05 at 10:52 AM
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