Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Tuesday clearinghouse: news of the weird and stupid

Perfidy

Canadian MP: We “damned American” “bastards” [sic] are now also a “coalition of idiots. Jeez… if you want the Stanley Cup to stay in Canada, field team that can play already…

Drunken Georgia man hits telephone pole, decapitates friend, drives home with headless body. Sez loyal reader #00017 EDog, ““Gee, I thought he was kind of quiet on the drive home…”

Not even in Montana can you festoon a fence with bras and expect to get away with it. All your property rights are belong to us.

Further proof the Republican Party is painfully unhip, possibly through not fault of their own: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the Convention, star of screen and smaller screen, Ron… Sil-ver!“ Ron Silver? Now that’s Star Power!


Posted by Johno on 08/31/04 at 05:20 PM
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Parsing Perfidy

Perfidy

Mark Kleiman pays ruminative homage to the grammar behind the word (say it with me: it feels good on the lips) “perfidy.”


Posted by Johno on 08/31/04 at 05:15 PM
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9/11

Partisan Politics

I’ve been watching the Republican National Convention on the news; and while I have no real desire to turn this into some sort of simulblog experience, I was struck by the tribute to 9/11 that happened immediately following McCain’s speech.  It was moving.  One thing in particular - Deena Burnett said (I’m paraphrasing) that heroes were not created that day, but that the lifelong practice of virtue led to their actions - the decision to do something.  This is true. 

And we have seen over the last couple years a growing reluctance to remember the events of 9/11.  It is a virtue to look reality in the face.  Many have criticized the the Republicans for an expected focus on 9/11 at the convention, saying that it is almost sinful that the Republicans are draping themselves with the events of that terrible day for political gain.  But as I think on it, I am truly awestruck that the entire Democratic convention made so little reference to the single most important event of the last decade - and one of the most important in our history.

Naturally, there is political gain for the Republicans in reminding America of the events of that day.  And Democrats are naturally leery of bringing up a subject that will bring to mind images on the whole favorable to their opponents.  But this is completely beside the point.  If our elections are in part referendums on the direction our nation should take - and they should be - then discussions of 9/11 are not merely acceptable, but necessary.

But Kerry has made a thirty year old war the focus of his campaign and convention.  Talking about 9/11 focuses us on the realities of this world and its future.  Talk about Vietnam (from Kerry or his critics) not only tells us nothing about the future and Kerry’s plans for it, but actively distracts us from it.  Not talking about 9/11 creates an intentional delusion; one where we forget that we were brutally attacked without cause, forget that there is a real threat not eliminated by our many victories, and where we pretend that history has ended.

I think also that the controversy over Vietnam is strangely appropriate.  Given the way the Democratic primaries played out, and the protests - there is very much a sixties feel to the left side of this election.  The fact that a large part of Kerry’s support looks like they are attempting to channel the antiwar movement of the sixties makes it seem important to define where Kerry actually stands on the issues of that time.  But if Kerry is to make any headway and reverse his recent slide in the polls he will have to offer something more than four months of combat and saying that everything the president does is wrong. 


Posted by Buckethead on 08/31/04 at 02:44 AM
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Monday, August 30, 2004

“It’s—my job is to like think beyond the immediate.”

Entertainment

"I mentioned early on that I recognize there are hurdles, and we’re gonna achieve those hurdles.” Special Johno crony and drummer Big Dig Jay has offered this rich batch of Presidenty (Presidentiary?) quote-mangling for your pleasure. No matter what you think of the guy, this is funny: “I believe that people whose skins aren’t necessarily—are, you know—a different color than white can self-govern.”


Posted by Johno on 08/30/04 at 12:50 PM
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Friday, August 27, 2004

On aesthetic recombinantcy

Music Wonkery

It occurs to me that I should clarify some intellectual slippage in my post on the music of the early 1990s. Why is it better, subjectively, that Kurt Cobain draw on the Pixies “Doolittle,” than for, say, Franz Ferdinand to pretend that Gang of Four didn’t do what they do first?

Up front, I will say this: I don’t know. Aside from murky arguments about aesthetic purity, integrity, and honesty, all of which amount to so much handwaving, there is no concrete reason that one should be considered better, more legitimate than the other. At the end of the day, all music is derivative. It has to be. Just as there are maybe a dozen stock plots that drive 99% of all the popular novels and TV shows out there (not to mention all Shakespeare’s plays, etc. etc.), all of which are clichéd and hoary, there’s only so far you can go with twelve notes and four beats to the bar.

In fact, music should be derivative. If it weren’t, it wouldn’t be enjoyable. Without ties to prior experience, a piece of music exists in a cultural/historical vacuum, and people don’t like that. By nature and by training, people prefer to experience things that remind them of other things. I’m not enough of a philosopher to posit this as true for the entire range of human experiences, but even when people “try something new,” they enjoy it best when it can be tied in some way to something they already know.

Just look at Mozart. Although arguably the greatest composer of the high-Classical period, he wasn’t doing much that was terribly new. The rules of harmony he clung to were codified by Bach, he took lessons from the brother of Haydn, and his melodies relied on certain stock constructions that, though his own, he reused time and time again. And yet the whole is much greater than the sum of its parts.

When music is consciously totally new, it tends to either suck, or gain a cult/academic following that proves the rule that most people like new things. Schoenberg, Webern, and Berg, for example, saw twelve-tone serial music as not only the conscious next step in the evolution of Western music, but as a total and revolutionary break with the past. The results are, to the average listener, at best unlistenable and at worst aggressively off-putting. It is not too often these days that you hear serial music on the radio.

This is so because purely serial compositions eschew any connection with the past save one: the acceptance of the twelve tones of the chromatic scale. Later composers, of course, went farther. In college, I was a big fan of a piece by French/Greek composer Iannis Xenakis that sounded like an air duct. But, again, I was a music major and have spent a lot of time seeking out ostensibly “new” sounds. I’m an exception that proves the rule.

The debate, then, is really about the balance between “just novel enough” and “boring.” Nirvana: just novel enough. Sum 47: boring. Truth: subjective.

[wik] I’ve written about related matters here, and have been carrying on a conversation in my own head for at least ten years now. I probably need to get out more.


Posted by Johno on 08/27/04 at 02:40 PM
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Blast from the past

Music Wonkery

Today’s posting reminds me of this solemn creed:

I believe in Iggy, Jimi, Chryssie, and Joe Strummer, the Parents Almighty, Creator of heaven on earth; I believe in Malcolm McClaren and Sid Vicious, His only Son. I believe in punk, lo-fi and gangsta, indie, post-punk, indie-pop, rock, singer-songwriter, and insurgent country, conceived by Uncle Tupelo, born of Jeff Tweedy who suffers, as does Lou Barlow. I believe in Squirrelbait and Johnny Cash. I believe in the Motor City. I will respectfully love and fear Tad. I believe in Superchunk and PJ Harvey. I believe in new bands and will never pretend to know music I have never heard, so my mind may stay open and I will sitteth at the right hand of Mission of Burma so I may one day ascend to heaven, where I will be greeted by Sonic Youth, Eazy-E, and Mike Watt. I will not listen to rock critics, but trust my own ears. I believe in DIY, zines, Yo La Tengo, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of Cobain, and rock everlasting. Amen.

Rock be with you.
And also with you.


Posted by Johno on 08/27/04 at 02:38 PM
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Unreconstructed Nostalgia

Music Wonkery

Weren’t the Nineties grand? 


Posted by Johno on 08/27/04 at 01:02 PM
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I…*bash*…. want my …*crunch* *thwack*… MP….*smack*…3!

Music Wonkery

Don’t ever take anything away from addict in training Arleen Mathers of Memphis, TN. Loyal Ministry reader #00017 EDog sent me the following story, which should stand as a cautionary tale to anyone who thinks that music is “just a hobby” with some people.

Cough. Ahem.

Pod Used In Domestic Homicide
Friday, March 5, 2004 Posted: 4:50 PM EST (1450 GMT)

MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE (HLN) - A Memphis woman was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after she bludgeoned her boyfriend to death with an iPod.

Arleen Mathers, 23, was arrested Thursday morning after she called Memphis Police and said she had killed her boyfriend, according to a Sheriff’s Department report. When deputies arrived at Mathers’ apartment at 528 Poplar Avenue, Mathers led them to the body of her boyfriend, Brad Pulaski, 27.

Brad Pulaski had died of blunt trauma to the head after being repeatedly bludgeoned with an iPod, a popular MP3 player produced by Apple. Police said no motive has been confirmed, although evidence suggested the murder was the result of a domestic dispute after Pulaski erased the contents of Mathers’ iPod.

According to law officers, Mathers was hysterical when police arrived and told them that she killed her boyfriend only after he accused her of illegally downloading music and erased about 2,000 of her MP3s. Mathers complained that it took 3 months to build her music collection.

An autopsy performed Friday afternoon at Methodist Hospital showed that Brad Pulaski had been beat multiple times in the face and chest by a blunt metal object, and died of internal bleeding, said Dr. Felix Klamut, deputy coroner.

According to Apple’s website, the iPod is partially made of a hard metal plate that’s been praised for it’s resistance to regular wear and tear, like drops and coffee spills. “It took him a while to die,” Dr. Klamut said. “She must have stabbed him 40 to 80 times with that iPod. His death was not instantaneous, that’s for sure”

Arleen Mathers was arraigned Friday night by a video hookup from the county jail. Municipal Court Judge Simon Lambert set her bond at $600,000 and scheduled a preliminary hearing for March 9.

I have to wonder.... those IPods are durable little things. D’you think hers still works?

In honor of Arleen Mathers, winner of the August edition of the infrequently awarded Perfidious Prize for Inadvertant or Vertant Asshattery, I have included below the fold a mix of suitable music in her honor.


Posted by Johno on 08/25/04 at 04:02 PM
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This next one is called “Don’t Drink The Water”

Lead Pipe Cruelty

In what has been explained as a “public rehearsal of material for our new album,” the Dave Matthews band dumped 800 pounds of human waste from their tour bus into the Illinois river on August 8, scoring a direct hit on a tour boat passing below. The state of Illinois is suing the band for sanitation and waterway violations.

The last few times this happened, the DMB titled the outcomes “Tripping Billy,” “Crash,” and “Ants Marching.” No word yet on what the new release will be called.

The Ministry thanks loyal reader #00017, EDog for the hat tip.


Posted by Johno on 08/25/04 at 03:32 PM
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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

John Hoosier Mellonhead:  Traitor to Rock and Roll

Music Wonkery

Via Cold Fury, we learn that Alice Cooper is disgusted with liberal musicians campaigning for Kerry.  Aiming a broadside at Michael Stipe, John Cougar Melloncamp and Bruce Springsteen, the Coop said:

“To me, that’s treason. I call it treason against rock ‘n’ roll because rock is the antithesis of politics. Rock should never be in bed with politics,” says the 56-year-old Cooper, who begins a 15-city Canadian tour on Aug. 20 in Thunder Bay, Ont.

“When I was a kid and my parents started talking about politics, I’d run to my room and put on the Rolling Stones as loud as I could. So when I see all these rock stars up there talking politics, it makes me sick.

”If you’re listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you’re a bigger moron than they are. Why are we rock stars? Because we’re morons. We sleep all day, we play music at night and very rarely do we sit around reading the Washington Journal.” [emphasis mine]

Truer words were probably never said.  Ted Nugent’ll probably shoot ‘em all, anyway.
Posted by Buckethead on 08/24/04 at 02:45 PM
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The whole Kerry/Vietnam/Swift Boats Thingy

Partisan Politics

Patton, over at Opinion 8 has got just about the best take on the endless Kerry-Vietnam controversy that I’ve yet seen.  Here’s the money shot:

The story here, and the lesson yet to be learned, is whether and how Kerry can deal with a public relations problem, albeit a severe one. Filing a complaint with the FEC was not an encouraging sign. It won’t have any likely effect before the election, it is based on wisps of smoke and innuendo in any event, and he knows this. It’s a weak play of a weak hand. It’s just as weak as would be a lawsuit against the Swift Boat Vets or John O’Neill (or Regnery Publishing, or any TV station who airs the ad, or, now that I think about it, me personally). As a more practical matter, Kerry might be able to make all this go away by signing the Form 180 that would authorize disclosure of his service records.

Strangely enough, I don’t care whether he does or doesn’t - and I believe that there’s more to learn here about Kerry’s qualifications to be president if he stays above the fray and simply answers the questions, posed by any and all comers. If he exaggerated his CIA/Navy Seal/Cambodia adventure, so what? Just say so (clearly, not in the mealy-mouthed manner attempted so far) and proceed with the matters at hand. The alternative, a continuation of the campaign’s shrill claims indicating he doesn’t feel he has to respond to the questions, and that the questions themselves are not allowed, can also provide a lesson, you see. And it’s not the lesson they want to provide.

That really is the point.  As I commented on his post, I reached a similar conclusion after the minor incident Kerry had on the ski slopes when he ran into the secret service agent.  It wasn’t that he fell - everyone falls on the slopes every now and again.  It was significant to me that he had to make sure that everyone knew that it wasn’t his fault.

Kerry’s reaction to this controversy is not encouraging.  After the Kerry campaign started loudly insisting that Bush disavow the swifties, Bush genially denounced all 527 ads.  (While I have issues with campaign finance reform on free speech grounds, this was a politically astute move that took much of the wind out of the democratic counterattack - and we won’t likely see a similar condemnation of moveon.org and other Soros-funded 527s anytime soon.) Moving to file FEC complaints, insisting that publishers pull a best selling book - these are exactly the kinds of legalistic maneuvers that I most particularly hate in a political campaign.  If Kerry has nothing to fear, full disclosure and a sense of humor will impress more of the electorate than shrill condemnation and lawyers.

And, as a side note, I would like to once again insist that it is not an attack ad, or negative campaigning, to point out your opponent’s record.  This is information (with spin, to be sure, but information nevertheless) not negativism.  If you want examples of negative campaigning, go back to the early 1800s, where candidates were regularly accused of all manner of immoral acts, baby-eating, satan worship and worse.  Mentioning how your opponent voted on something hardly qualifies.


Posted by Buckethead on 08/24/04 at 02:03 PM
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George gets the Queer Eye treatment

Just So You Know

Historians at Mount Vernon (just a stone’s throw from the Buckethead Happy Funtyme Compound on the banks of the Potomac) are engaged in a project to make over the image of George Washington, and it’s ‘bout time. The popular image of Washington (as appears on the dollar bill, etc.) is of George as an old man, stooped and withered and suffering from sore and swollen gums. The younger man was quite different. Every book I read on the late Colonial period and early Republic describe George Washington as a large, rawboned man with red hair, ruddy features, and an undeniable presence, a social gravity, even when sitting quietly. He looked every inch a Commander-in-chief, an image that the popular Gilbert Stuart painting can’t possibly convey.

If you’re like me, you have the need to put faces to the names you read about. That’s simple when reading a biography of say, Benjamin Disraeli or Ben Franklin, that includes numerous portraits of the man. But in Washington’s case, not many portraits exist (not that many reliable ones, anyway), and it just doesn’t sit right with me to envision an old man with an infected mouth marching through the mountains of Western Pennsylvania under General Braddock or accepting the peace at Yorktown.

Unfortunately for my fevered brain, there is only one current public figure who looks anything like George Washington at all. Reddish hair, gone gray: check. Tall, physically imposing: check. Lumpy nose: check. Ruddy features: check. Charisma: check. That’s right, America. In my head, a young George Washington looks like nobody more than William Jefferson Clinton.

Help me, somebody.


Posted by Johno on 08/24/04 at 01:32 PM
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Monday, August 23, 2004

Ministry Member Policy Update

Perfidy

The Ministry’s vast legions of overworked, unpaid migrant worker drones were hard at work this morning; chiseling names off a granite edifice with their teeth.  Why, one might ask, were these hard working and underappreciated proles performing work such as this; when they could have been laboring in the html mines, digging up web goodness for you, the gentle reader?  The reason is simple.  That sheet of granite contained the laser etched names of all those who have willingly become registered members of the Ministry of Minor Perfidy’s extended family.  (The Ministry is also curious as to why many of you do not have your name on that roll of honor.  The Ministry is keeping track of those who abuse the its generosity.  Our memory is long.)

Dark and unknown forces have shamelessly perverted the Ministry’s enlightened policy of openness and transparency.  Initial indications are that these forces are Russian, which does not surpise the Ministry in the least.  They have registered for membership not to revel in a sense of oneness with the Ministry’s goals and vision; but only to use that sacrosanct status to attempt to spam the innocent with invitations to disgusting, ill-designed, and tasteless porn sites.  (Nota bene: The Ministry might forgive invitations to well-designed and artistic porn sites.  The Ministry is well aware of the beauty of the unclothed female form.  But these sites require the download of malicious software, a practice the Ministry does not support or condone.)

Therefore, from this moment forward, all prospective registrants will be vetted by the Ministry’s crack team of investigators and busybodies.  Those who survive the rigorous and intrusive background check will be granted membership, an email confirming their new status, and their name will be laser etched on granite wall in the lobby of the Ministry’s headquarters.  Those who do not pass will live in fear, fear of the highly trained and lethal hordes of assassins at the Ministry’s beck and call; and praying that they will not be unleashed.

Those who pass muster will bask in the bright sun of comradery, and feel the warm joy of submission to the Ministry’s vision for the future.  As well, they will in time have access to special features unavailable to the unwashed masses.  The Ministry invites all those of sound moral character to register instantly, lest they suffer the consequences.

This message from the Ministry of Minor Perfidy
Thank you for your cooperation


Posted by Ministry on 08/23/04 at 04:33 PM
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Sunday, August 22, 2004

[url=http://www.athens2004.com/]Go Greek![/url]

Crazy Foreigners

I don’t remember how I got to it, but Ken Layne is having some fun with the linking rules established by the nasty bureaucrats of the Athens Olympic Games.  Apparently, the internet department has some rather authoritarian ideas about how one should go about linking the games’ website:

For your protection and ours we have established a procedure for parties wishing to introduce a link to the ATHENS 2004 website on their site. By introducing a link to the ATHENS 2004 official Website on your site you are agreeing to comply with the ATHENS 2004 Website General Terms and Conditions. In order to place a link embedded in copy interested parties should:
a) Use the term ATHENS 2004 only, and no other term as the text referent

b) Not associate the link with any image, esp. the ATHENS 2004 Emblem (see paragraph below)

c) Send a request letter to the Internet Department stating:
Short description of site
Reason for linking
Unique URL containing the link (if no unique URL than just the main URL)
Publishing period
Contact point (e-mail address)

Once the request has been mailed, interested parties can proceed to include the link and will only receive a response if ATHENS 2004 does not accept the link. All requests should be sent to:

The Internet Department
Iolkou 8 and Filikis Eterias str.
GR-142 34 N. Ionia, Athens

On further research, Ken discovered that there are also rules about linking to the Olypic logo:

Incredible.

There are additional rules if you’d like to use one of their stupid little gifs, and Big Trouble awaits should you dare to use an image of the stupid little Olympic circles: “Linking using the Olympic Emblem is strictly prohibited as the Olympic Emblem, Trademarks and Terms are duly registered internationally and are protected under existing legislation (as defined in article 2 of Greek law 2819/2000). Parties wishing to use the emblem are requested to contact the ATHENS 2004 Internet Department (see address above). Permission to use these properties as links will be granted only under special circumstances.”

Because of his deep concern for the people making these rules, Ken created this special logo:

Athens Sucks

Some others got into the game as well.


Posted by Buckethead on 08/22/04 at 01:14 PM
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Lost in space

Holy Shit!

From the Scam o Rama files, the best Nigerian email scam ever.  Ever.

Received: from [203.121.131.31]
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 2004 05:11:32 0100 (BST)
From: Paul Jones Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Marooned In Space!!! Please Help
To:

Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency
(NASRDA)
Plot 555
Misau Street
PMB 437
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager

http://www.nasrda.gov.ng/

Sweet.


Posted by Buckethead on 08/22/04 at 12:54 AM
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